Things that I would say to the old ‘Me’ while experiencing PND

Dear Ivanka

I know you feel overwhelmed with everything that is going on now. You could not wait to have your babies and now that they are here, you are not sure that it is what you wanted. I know you are astonished by your own feelings and emotions. I know you don’t feel the love you expected to be feeling. I know you doubt your decision about having children. I know you desperately want your life back. I know you feel stuck. And I know that you feel incredibly guilty for feeling this way. 

Now, but please stop for a moment and realise that you’re just going through the biggest change in your life. Everything you feel is therefore totally normal. Yes, even the thoughts that run through your head – regardless of how scary they are. A lot of new mums have felt the same way you feel now and today they can’t and don’t even want to imagine their lives without their kids. Believe me, it’s a beautiful change. Everything you feel today is only temporary, and soon you’ll be able to enjoy the motherhood as well. Don’t be so hard on yourself and give it time. It is a process that will take a while.

What I want you to do now – no matter how difficult it is, but please start talking about your feelings to your loved ones, but especially to someone who has already been through this. When you open up, everything will suddenly become more bearable. In addition, you will start receiving support from every direction – even some from where you wouldn’t expect it at all. Suddenly you realise by how much love you have always been surrounded by. A beautiful feeling.

I know you’re feeling guilty mainly because you don’t feel you love your children the way you “should.” But trust me, that feeling will come. Many women have felt like this at the start. If you don’t believe it, ask mothers in your neighbourhood, you will be surprised. So will they – that it’s not just them who is concerned by this problem. It’s true that in our daily life we often hear or read about mothers as they swell with happiness, with love for their children. We rarely hear what this love is like in its beginnings.

Maternal instinct is not something that develops overnight. It is a process that develops. You realise you’re a Mother only about 8 months so. That’s when your maternal instinct becomes steady and with it everything you’re missing now. Responsibility for other human beings, unrelenting love, a new kind of happiness, new priorities, new values … Everything will be transforming in you gradually and naturally.

You need to realise that having a baby is a shock to the whole system, to your body and mind. Remember how you felt when you changed school or moved from your parent’s nest. You thought you’d never get used to it and look at it today – was it a bad change? Is there anything you’d have done differently today? No. This is going to be the same case. Except this change is x-times greater than any other. The adaptation process is therefore longer too.

I promise you though that very soon you’ll be happier than ever before. People around you will be joking that you can forget about your life and free time, but don’t forget they are just joking. Jokes are often jokes because they are based on absurdity. You’ll see that gradually you’ll have time and space for everything you want and need. Even for your husband. I know you’re worried that kids will affect your relationship, but there’s absolutely nothing to worry about. Your relationship will move into a new, beautiful level that you’ll both truly enjoy.

Little by little you will be fulfilled with love you had no idea existed within you. It will fill you from the top of your head down to your toes, it will run through every single vein and dance through every cell of your body. A pure, unconditional love that will come back to you multiplied.

Suddenly you’ll feel happy doing activities you haven’t found interesting before. And on the contrary, many things you have considered interesting until now, will suddenly lose their magic. 

The benefits you get as a mother will outweigh everything “bad”. Look around and you’ll see that mums voluntarily decide to have more than one child. Would they do so if it was that terrible?

You won’t lose your life, you’ll just fill it. It will be very difficult for some time, but only temporarily while the kids are little. Each month they will make a new progress that will slowly lead to their independence. Every new progress will bring a new light into your life. When they laugh, hug you, talk to you, show you their love – you will not understand how you could ever exist without them. That is when you’ll know that you’re a Mother.

Said by your husband’s words – this is not the end, this is just the beginning.

And so it is.

Your future Me
xxx

 

 

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