I’ll never forget the moment when I was looking at my few days old babies as a new mum with tears rolling down my face.
Tears of sadness.
I felt incredibly lonely and regretted the decision to have children.
We were staying with our twin boys at the NIC unit at the time as the boys were born at 34 weeks.
We stayed there for almost two weeks which wasn’t a long period of time, but to me, it was the longest and hardest two weeks of my life.
I was looking at them being asleep and all sorts of scary thoughts took over my mind.
Why did we want them?
Why did they have to be born?
Thoughts like this made me scared to death but there was nothing to stop them.
Why hadn’t anyone told me about any of this?
What have I done?
I almost wasn’t able to think of anything else.
For a few weeks after giving birth, I was just an empty box with no feelings.
I was constantly sad.
The tears were almost constantly streaming down my face and I couldn’t stop them.
I vividly remember the time when I was hanging baby clothes on the dryer and burst into tears. Everything that reminded me of their existence made me sad and tearful.
I was crying even when going to the shop as it’s when I realised I’d no longer be able to pop out like this anytime I wanted to.
I didn’t feel like a mother.
I didn’t feel like someone who was going to be responsible for another human being and give them security and support. After many years I’d reconnected with my inner child, who had been talking to me intensively day and night.
But who will now support me?
Who will comfort me when I’m feeling down?
Who will chase away monsters from underneath my bed?
That voice didn’t go silent for a moment.
The more I tried to suppress it, the louder it called – Hello, I’m here! Why doesn’t anyone listen to me?