Ivana Poku This is one of those things that feels obvious once you say it out loud, but somehow still needs saying.
Struggle is not a badge of honour.
Yet when mums talk about motherhood, it often sounds like exhaustion is something to be proud of.
Tiredness becomes a shared identity.
Overwhelm feels normal.
Neglecting your needs feels expected.
And losing yourself is an unavoidable part of motherhood.
Most of us don’t decide to believe this. We just absorb it.
You hear other mums talk about how hard everything is, how little sleep they get, how they never have time to themselves anymore.
You see it online too.
Posts joking about burnout, memes about surviving on caffeine, comments like “that’s just motherhood.”
And slowly, without realising it, you start measuring yourself against that standard.
If you’re coping, you feel guilty.
If you’re resting, you feel lazy.
If you want more than survival mode, you feel selfish.
Mad, right?
How This Idea Gets So Normalised
What’s interesting is that no one ever sits mums down and explains that they must suffer to be good parents.
It’s not a rule anyone openly states.
But it’s strongly implied everywhere.
We praise mums who “do it all” and who never stop.
We rarely question what that actually costs them – and their families.
So even though no one tells us directly that self-sacrifice equals love, it becomes something most mums believe at least a little bit.
Especially in the early years, when everything feels intense and new and overwhelming.
You start thinking that the more you give up, the more devoted you must be.
That if you’re struggling, it must mean you’re doing it properly.
And that belief sticks around far longer than it should.
The Quiet Loss of the Old You
For many women, motherhood also comes with a quiet sense of loss.
Not because they regret becoming mums, but because so much of who they were before slowly slips away.
The version of you who had plans that didn’t revolve around nap times.
The version who had energy, space, interests, and dreams that felt achievable.
This doesn’t usually happen overnight.
It happens gradually, and often without anyone noticing, including you.
I remember feeling like my old life was over at one point.
After having twins, it genuinely felt as though that chapter had closed for good.
At the time, I just went along with that feeling because I thought that’s what motherhood should look like.
Looking back, I realise I learned that belief from what people told me to accept, not from what was actually healthy.
Sacrifice Is Part of Motherhood — But Not Like This
Let’s be realistic for a moment.
Motherhood does involve sacrifice.
Anyone who says otherwise isn’t being honest.
Your time changes, your priorities shift, and your life sure as hell looks different.
But there’s a BIG difference between natural sacrifice and constant self neglect.
You don’t become a better mum by ignoring your own needs.
Running on fumes doesn’t make you more loving.
And if you’re permanently overwhelmed, it doesn’t benefit your children (or you) in any way.
In fact, when you’re burnt out, everything becomes harder.
Small things feel big, patience disappears faster, and guilt creeps in.
And instead of enjoying moments with your children, you spend a LOT of time just trying to get through the day.
Related posts:
- How I Finally Stopped Feeling Sad About My Kids Growing Up Too Fast
- Kids and Screens: It’s Not the Mums, It’s the Missing Village
- Parenting Older Kids: Why I’m More Tired Now Than When They Were Babies
Why Burnout Should Never Be the Goal
Somewhere along the way, burnout stopped being a warning sign and started being treated like proof of commitment.
But burnout is not devotion.
It’s not love.
And it’s certainly not something to aim for.
When we normalise burnout, we make it harder for mums to speak honestly about how they’re really doing.
Saying “I’m struggling” starts to feel like complaining instead of asking for support.
And the longer that goes on, the more isolated mums feel.
This is one of the reasons so many mums struggle in silence, especially in the early stages of motherhood.
What Kids Actually Need From Their Mum
Children don’t need a mum who sacrifices herself into the ground.
Kids don’t benefit when their parent is running on empty all the time.
What they need is a mum who has the capacity to be present, who can regulate her emotions, set boundaries, and respond calmly most of the time.
That doesn’t mean being perfect.
It means you have enough support to function without constantly running on adrenaline.
Children learn far more from what we model than from what we say.
When they see a mum who believes her needs matter too, they learn that it’s okay to take care of themselves as well.
And vice versa.
Rest and Support in Motherhood Are As Important As Breathing
Rest is not a reward you earn after hitting rock bottom.
Support is not something you only deserve when you break.
Choosing rest and help means you value and respect yourself.
And most of us were never taught how to practise self respect.
(How sad, right??)
If you’re struggling to find time for yourself, I created a free PDF with Self care tips for busy mums. It’s full of simple, realistic ways to recharge and feel like YOU again — even if you have zero time!
The Mums Who Are Actually Brave
The mums who impress me most are not the ones who suffer the most quietly.
They’re the ones who say no to unnecessary pressure, who ask for help, and who refuse to believe that losing themselves is part of the deal.
Those mums aren’t selfish – or not selfish in a negative way.
They’re smart.
They’ve worked out that looking after themselves isn’t separate from being a good mum, it’s part of it.
And usually, that’s what creates calmer days, more patience, and a home that feels a little less tense for everyone.
They are creating a healthier version of motherhood – not just for themselves, but for the mums who come after them.
Final Thoughts
So, remember mama: struggle is not a badge of honour!
Burnout is not something to be proud of.
And sacrificing yourself definitely doesn’t make you a better mum.
You matter too.
And motherhood should never require you to forget that!
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I share practical tips, real life perspective, and support for mums who are tired of feeling like survival mode is the only option.
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