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MOTHERHOOD

GUEST POST

 

Have you tried to work while those sweet, beautiful eyes of your baby are looking at you?

 

If this is an uphill struggle, what about all the other aspects of a woman who strives to be a responsible mother and a diligent employee?

 

Being a mother and working from home is not an easy task by any means.

 

However, there are ways to make things easier thanks to the following tips. Furthermore, these will help increase your performance while working from home!

 

Sounds good? Let’s dive in!

 

  1. Make a Schedule

While working from home is great in many ways, especially when it comes to meeting your baby’s needs, there will be times when your responsibilities clash – and obviously, the role of a “mother” will always have to beat the role of a “worker”!

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MENTAL WELLBEING, MOTHERHOOD

Do you feel guilty over not being perfect? 

Do you feel ‘not good enough’?

Don’t worry, you are not alone!

You are not alone in either of these states – in not being a perfect mum, as well as feeling bad about it.

Quite interesting when you think about it, isn’t it? That none of us are perfect and yet, we all feel bad about it. 

It’s like feeling bad about not having four hands. (Although frankly, they would probably come in more handy than perfection. ;))

Anyway, I hear this a lot when working with mums. 

I am not good enough…

I am not doing a good job…

I am failing my children…

My kids deserve better…


Oh, dear… Where has this all come from? 

(Though I have an idea, but that is a whole different subject. :))

The question is, what can we do about it? How can we change the way we feel about our parenting? About ourselves?

The answer is simpler than you might have thought.

 

Let me ask you: have you ever tried to explore why you believe perfection is a good thing?

 

Think about it.


We are constantly flooded by the attempts for perfection from other people that we blindly follow without even questioning if it is good or bad for us. Everyone does it, so it must be good –  which is what our subconscious allows us to think and believe. 


Well, guess what, my darling. 

It definitely is not the case. 


Furthermore, it is not good for our children. 


Remember that our children largely copy our behaviour, so it’s important to model the behavior we want our children to exhibit.

If we did everything perfectly or ‘in the right way’ – how do you think this would impact your children? What would they take away from it?

They could grow up believing that making mistakes is not ok… They could live in a bubble and struggle later on in life surrounded by people who do not strive for perfection… They could perceive every little mistake they make as a failure… They could get to the point where they struggle with self-esteem… They could also experience serious issues in relationships due to being too hard on themselves (just like you are now?) …

And the list does not end here…

This is not what you want.

Also, remember that children pick up on our energy more than you may realise (and more than they realise). So if you constantly beat yourself up for not being perfect, what will they take away from it? They won’t remember you as a ‘mum who is not good enough’. They will remember you as a mum who is stressed. 

Perfection in any relationship creates distance rather than a bond. It misses the human aspect. It misses genuine connection. 

Realising this has stopped any of my attempts to be perfect. Just like that.

Instead of giving the example of being perfect, I teach my boys how to deal with mistakes. How to face the consequences and find a solution. That some failures are just opportunities to really learn to be better than could imagine.

Because at the end of the day, all we want is for them is to be happy, isn’t it?

So please, take the pressure off yourself now and enjoy life and its perfect imperfections.

For we are not supposed to be perfect. We
are supposed to make mistakes, learn from them, work on ourselves, and grow.  


What ways have you used to let go of the need to be a perfect mum? Let me know in the comments! xx




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MOTHERHOOD

Have you found yourself or your friend drinking more during pandemic?

Do you wonder if it is ok or whether you should pay it special attention? 

The answer to this is not as simple as it may seem and depends on many internal and external factors. 

Truth is that being a mother is hard enough at the best of times so if a mother has to deal with every day challenges in isolation it is extremely difficult and creates a lot of added pressure.


It is not a secret that some mothers get through the challenging days thanks to ‘wine o’clock’ that comes once children are in bed. And in the pandemic, the chances of increased drinking are only higher as mothers are often dealing with most things at home, especially kids, homeschooling etc.. while themselves being in a sense ‘locked up’ in their homes.
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LIFE, MOTHERHOOD

Confession time.

Ever since I have married a black man, my views on race and racism have changed a lot.

All the more, after our beautiful mixed-race twin boys came into this world.

Before that, I had thought I knew what black people go through during their lives. 

I thought some of them had it harder than others, that some were exaggerating the issue, and that some were being unnecessarily paranoid…

Today I know that my opinions were wrong and rather naive. 

How could they not be? 

As a white person, I had never remotely come even close to understand what black people have to go through on a daily basis. I am not saying what the majority of black people go through because – as I also only understand now – ALL black people come across hate and racism at more than one occasion in their lives. Regardless of where they now live or the country of birth. 
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MOTHERHOOD, POSTNATAL DEPRESSION

I am excited to announce the launch of my new online course I put together with an NHS midwife Marley Hall to help prevent new or expectant mothers from falling into the trap of postnatal depression during COVID-19 and beyond.

The course is called Get Prepared for Motherhood Like No One Else and it bridges the gap between expectations about motherhood and the reality as well as revealing the untold secrets about motherhood many perinatal classes don’t talk about.

It goes from basic relationship tips to how to prevent PND with an added layer of COVID-19 content and Ivana is donating 10% of profits to the Special Baby Care Unit at Barnet Hospital where she was supported.
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MOTHERHOOD

Having a newborn is hard. 

And it is even harder when you have to go through it in isolation.

No baby groups, no meet-ups, no parents to babysit, no soft plays… 

It is no doubt challenging to maintain your mental health when you have a newborn at times like this. Being isolated is one of the triggers for maternal mental health issues so at times like this it is extremely important that you look after your wellbeing. 

I put together 5 simple but powerful steps that can help you to maintain your wellbeing and keep you strong. 

The more tips you follow, the better you feel, but remember that even sticking with one of these tips will bring fruitful results. 


1. TALK

My number one tip on general mental wellbeing and the best way to feel better instantly is to talk. Choose someone you trust and talk to them about your feelings. Do not ever keep anything inside as it will backfire eventually. The more you talk about your thoughts and feelings, the better.

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MOTHERHOOD
“A mother continues to labor long after the baby is born.”
– Lisa Jo Baker

“Being a mom has made me so tired. And so happy.
– Tina Fey

There’s no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one.”
– Jill Churchill

Coming across a lot of amusing and shocking comments people say to new mums, I could not resist writing a post about it! 

So, I asked you, new mums: “what are the most ridiculous things people told you?”


I admit, I thought I had heard all of the really “bad” ones before. But while talking to you, I was still taken aback at moments and didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. 😭😃


I am sure this list does not cover all of the ridiculous things a new mother ever came across, but let’s take a look at the most “popular” ones.

“You are so tiny, you don’t look pregnant at all.”

“You had a c-section? Oh, I’m sorry.”

To a crying baby: “She’s not happy, is she?”

“You should try to enjoy the birth as it goes so quickly.”

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MOTHERHOOD

“I wish we could put up some of the Christmas spirit in the jars and open a jar of it every month.”
Harlan Miller. 

“Christmas is not an external event at all, but a piece of one’s home that one carries in one’s heart.”
Freya Stark.


Ok, so this is the first Christmas with our boys that we seem to will have actually enjoyed!


But let’s start at the beginning…


My name is Ivana (or less formally, Ivanka) and I am a mum to two gorgeous twin boys Mason and Henry. I love them so much it hurts but girl, they can drive me mad sometimes!


But that’s motherhood, isn’t it? Some days you burst with love and happiness, other days you burst with anger or stress… However, what I love about it is that love always wins. Regardless of how long or intense the battle is, love always comes out of it as an invincible winner.


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Blog, MOTHERHOOD

Labour is what most mums-to-be think and worry about the most.

They spend a lot of time researching all the possible (and impossible) information on this subject and trying to see if there is a way to ease the pain that comes with labour.

I was the same, of course. But here is what I want to tell you now, after 3 and something years of being a mum. Labour is – in most cases – the easy part! keep reading

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MOTHERHOOD

Another Father’s day is here and for us, it’s the third one as a family. (wow, has it really been this long??)

This occasion (as well as many others) made me think about dads’ roles in the world of parenting.

Can’t help thinking as though dad’s role as such was often somewhat forgotten about… And what is even worse – as though it was normal this way!

As if it was a mother alone who deserves all the credit. Now, don’t get me wrong,  I am not taking anything away from strong mothers who also work or mothers who have an extremely difficult job of parenting roles (Absolutely amazing by the way! Never forget that). keep reading

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MOTHERHOOD

With Mother’s day approaching, I cannot help thinking back to my first Mother’s day as a mum.

Our boys were about 11 months and I had just started to get back on track after a devastating experience of postnatal depression.

I remember being really excited about having to experience my first Mother’s day as a mum, however, the real experience wasn’t (as a lot of my other first experiences with motherhood) as special as I imagined it to be.

If you read my story, you know it took me a few months to develop a real bond with my children. My first year as a mother was the hardest year of my life and I cannot even start to explain how it feels when you are expected to be happy when all you want is to cry and turn back time.

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MOTHERHOOD

If you are an expecting first-time mum, the contents of this post will probably take you by surprise (perhaps even shock you), but please bear in mind that the last thing I want to do is to freak you out. All I want is to get you more prepared for what is to come.

Why would I want that?

Tell the truth, if you are more prepared, the less shocked you are when the time comes. And the less shocked you are, the better chance you have to avoid postnatal mental issues and other problems many first-time mums experience.

For, believe me, in most cases the reason for new mums suffering from postnatal mental problems is unrealistic expectations of motherhood and a shock that comes with the arrival of a baby.
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MOTHERHOOD

Have you realised lately that you have not been talking to your partner about anything but the daily life? Did you use to have lots of fun together and now you cannot remember last time you had a laugh?

Have you found yourself stuck in a place you promised yourself you would never be?
Trust me, it is not just you.

Many couples slide into a certain monotony after they become parents. And then it is only up them whether they allow this monotony to challenge their relationship or to slowly kill it. 
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MOTHERHOOD

I often get the question, especially from new mums, asking what it is like for me to be a mum compared to the beginning.

Well, to be totally honest, nothing in this world compares to the nightmare you go through at the beginning.

When I became a mum, I could not understand other mums when they said that it is all worth it.

What on earth can be worth this torture? I used to think.

However, today I totally understand.

As I mentioned a million times before, becoming a mum is a shock. Your life changes from one day to another and suddenly you hold in your arms a crying baby who totally depends on you.


It is like as if someone locked you with an elephant in a room and threw the keys away (assuming you have zero knowledge about elephants). I am sure you agree that this would be a massive load for any kind of living being. 
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MOTHERHOOD, TWINS

We have passed the second Christmas and New Year’s Eve with our boys!

The first Christmas holidays with them I was looking forward to it as a little girl. The first Christmas dinner together, children’s Christmas clothes, unpacking gifts…

With Yaw we agreed that boys had to get something that makes a sound. At that time, we did not really care what kind of sound that would be, however, in these things it is better to be picky.

As a parent, you have to count on hearing this sound for the next few weeks and hours in a day. 😉
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MOTHERHOOD

I often watch future mums getting ready for the arrival of their children, studying everything about a birth, being happy that they are ready for everything…

There is nothing wrong with it, of course.

However, I always see these mums being astonished when the baby comes into the world. Suddenly they find that the birth is just a beginning.

Despite studying 20 books, attending pregnancy yoga regularly and consulting everything beforehand with experienced mums, they feel they were not ready for anything.

There is nothing wrong with that either.

The truth is that no mother can be ready for what really comes with motherhood.
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Life after baby, MOTHERHOOD

I believe you will agree with me when I say that a woman doesn’t know what maternity is about until she becomes a mother herself.

Often I see pregnant women around me during their first year after their baby is born planning or trying for the second child etc.

I wasn’t any different, of course. “What can surprise me now? I know I will not sleep, that it will be hard, that the baby will always cry, but I will handle it and one day it will pass”, you think.
I write more on the subject in the post Things about motherhood no one tells you about. 

However, in reality, each of us is surprised by their own reactions and feelings. Suddenly you find that it’s not only about sleeping deprivation and changing nappies, but especially about the inner battle between love and madness. keep reading

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MOTHERHOOD

Like probably every future mother, I was also conscientiously preparing for the arrival of my children. I read a lot, I asked, I listened …

However, when they came into this world, I felt like I didn’t know anything at all.

Theoretically, I was armed, but practically completely disarmed.

Yes, I knew I wanted to breastfeed, but I didn’t know how hard it would be to learn it. I knew I’d need to avoid stress, but I didn’t know that under the circumstances it would be as simple as avoiding breathing. I knew I was going to have a deficiency of sleep, but I didn’t know the mental impact it would have on me.

These all are things no one gets you ready for. The more likely it is then for them to take us by surprise later and often also take control of us.
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