Ivana Poku Are you a great mum?
Honestly, I want you to really connect with this question and notice what comes up.
Without forcing an answer or wondering what you should be thinking.
Just see what comes up naturally.
The answer might come in the form of a feeling, a sensation, or actual words.
Whatever it is, I want you to take note.
And if possible, write down everything that comes up.
Because this knowledge is pure GOLD.
Here’s why:
The Real Reason You Don’t Feel Like A Great Mum
Most likely, you got answers like: “I could be better. My children deserve better.” “If I was a good mum, I would/wouldn’t be doing…” “I can’t be a good mum because I…”
All of this refers to your deep insecurities.
And unless you address them first, you could be the best mum in the world, but you won’t see yourself as one.
So first and foremost, you need to work on these unresolved insecurities (that you’ve likely lived with for years).
They’re not your own beliefs… but someone else’s, that you adapted as your own… that you learned to believe.
For instance: Great mums are present all the time… They’re not messy, forgetful… They’re always on top of things… They don’t let their kids be bored… They don’t shout as much as I do… They’re more patient… more calm… etc.
Now ask yourself: When did you decide this is true? At what point in life?
Because the truth is – you did choose to believe these things.
Even though it might feel like others caused these beliefs, it was your decision to accept them. You’ve been told many things in life, but you don’t believe all of them, right? You chose what to believe.
But here’s the powerful part: Just like you chose to believe them, you can choose to unbelieve them too.
Once you know when it started, connect with that version of you.
Ask her: What do you need?
Then listen.
If she needs love, trust, reassurance – it’s your job to give it to her. Every day.
If it’s love she needs, you must stop criticising yourself. Because every time you do, you’re wounding that part of you all over again.
She’s had enough of that. What she needs now is your kindness. Your patience. Your love.
And only you can give it to her.
Do this with all the insecurities that came up.
Now that we’ve addressed them ask yourself again:
Are you a great mum?
If there’s still some resistance, ask: What would make me a good mum?
(The answer might sound ridiculous to you, and that’s worth exploring.)
Why You Feel Like You’re Failing As a Mum (Even When You’re Not)
Now that you’ve addressed your insecurities, it’s time to look at the pressure.
A modern mum is bombarded from all directions with how to do things “right”:
What to say, what not to say, how to talk to her children, how to raise them, how much time to spend with them, what to feed them (and when)…
Basically, it feels like you need to script your entire day just to “pass” as a good mum.
Our mothers and grandmothers didn’t face this kind of pressure. And they didn’t feel like bad mums – at least not to the same extent today’s mums do.
Does that mean they were better?
No.
They just weren’t under so much external pressure.
And it’s this pressure – combined with your own insecurities – that creates that heavy feeling of not being enough.
So let’s look at this pressure with objective eyes.
Who creates this pressure?
In most cases: other insecure people. Or sleep coaches. Parenting experts. Influencers…
Many of whom either want to sell you their product or create viral, controversial content to grow their business.
(Yes, even at the expense of your mental wellbeing.)
And we often take their words as truth.
When someone says, “You should never say this to a child,” don’t automatically accept it.
Challenge it.
Who are you to decide what I can say to my child? Who are you to tell me what to do? Who are you to assume you know best?
Because truth is – even though many of these pressure-creators are educated in a certain area – it doesn’t mean they’re right about everything.
Personally, I choose to follow parenting professionals who make me feel GOOD.
I want to learn from those who remind me I’m already doing a great job, and who offer support to make life easier. Not to make me feel like I need to “fix” myself to be a “better mum.”
There’s No Such Thing As a Bad Mum
Honestly, I don’t believe there’s such a thing as a bad mum.
Even those who abandon their children, struggle with addiction, or neglect them… they are not “bad”. They are unwell. Deeply insecure. And most importantly – they didn’t get the support they needed so they coudn’t do better at the time.
This includes mums who harm their children due to postpartum mental illness.
They’re not “bad mums.” They are sick – and again, they didn’t get the help they needed.
All of this exists in the world… And you feel guilty because you forgot a birthday party? Because you lost your temper yesterday? Because you only read one book at bedtime? Because you took a break to recharge (so you could actually be a better mum)?
It’s almost comical, isn’t it?
So Again – How To Be A Great Mum?
The truth is, you don’t need to become one.
You neeed to see that you already ARE one.
Sure, there are always things you can work on and improve.
But not from a place of guilt or shame.
From a place of power. From a place of growth.
These are two completely different energies.
I constantly educate myself on how to handle challenging behaviour in children, or how to feel less anxious. But it’s not because I think I’m a bad mum. I know I’m a great mum – I just want to keep growing for myself and my children… to make life easier for all of us.
