How to Set Boundaries With Your Children Without Feeling Crushed by Mum Guilt

Let me be honest with you.

I used to really struggle with saying no to my kids.

Especially when they started crying… or gave me those impossible puppy eyes.

I would give in — even when I was frustrated, or angry.

Not because I didn’t know I should…

But because it felt AWFUL.

(Like awful awful).

The guilt and the “what if I’m messing them up?” thoughts.

And then I’d see adult kids around me who totally disrespected their parents… and other people.

And I knew, deep down, that if I didn’t start being strict now, my children might turn out the same way.

And I just knew I couldn’t let that happen.

My husband has always been stricter than me (for this very reason), but I knew we both had to be firm with boundaries, not just one of us.

I knew it with all my heart.

And eventually, I found a way to stand my ground — without feeling like I was breaking my child’s heart.

If this sounds familiar — if you know you need boundaries but feel terrible setting them — this post is for you.

I’m going to share how you can set firmer boundaries with your children without drowning in guilt.

I’ll also explain why it actually makes you a better mum.

But before we dive in, let’s talk about where that guilt really comes from…

What is mum guilt really about?

This part is important.

When saying no and standing your ground feels painful, it’s got nothing to do with your children.

It’s because you’re touching an old childhood wound.

Many of us grew up:

• Having to be “good” to be loved

• Learning to keep others happy to stay safe

• Feeling responsible for adults’ emotions

So when we say no now, our nervous system panics.

It feels like:

• Rejection

• Abandonment

• Being “bad”

But that reaction isn’t about your child in front of you.

It’s about you.

About your unhealed wounds.

About your inner child stepping forward and asking to be seen and heard.

That’s why the guilt feels so intense.

If you notice your mind spiralling in those moments, I’ve put together 19 affirmations that will calm your mind in seconds! They’re simple, grounding, and made specifically for mums.

There are so many free resources online about inner child healing.

And if want personal support, this is one of the things I help mums with inside my private mentoring.

Why kids actually throw tantrums when they don’t get what they want

This needs to be said out loud.

When your child cries, throws a tantrum, or gives you those puppy eyes, it’s not because they’re truly suffering.

It’s because they’re testing boundaries.

They’re figuring out how far they can push.

They’re learning the rules of the world.

I really got this one day with my son.

He was really upset about something, and I thought he was genuinely distressed.

I mean, he would cry and shake!

My heart went out to him, and I gave in.

Within seconds, he flipped completely. Totally fine. Like nothing had happened.

That’s when it hit me: he’s playing me.

(To which my husband said, I can’t believe you haven’t seen it before, but that’s not the point.)

His crying was a test, that I failed.

So yes, they cry. They push. They test.

But that doesn’t mean they’re unhappy.

It means they’re learning and growing.

My top tip for when standing by boundaries feels hard

Now, this is my go-to trick.

When I’m about to say yes or give in but my whole body is screaming no…

I picture my children 20 years from now.

And I ask myself one simple question:

How will this decision shape the adults they’ll become?

That question changes everything.

You can also ask myself:

• Do you want them to struggle saying no to people?
• Do you want them to feel responsible for everyone else’s feelings?
• Do you want them to be disrespectful to others?

Because every time I ignore my own limits, I’m teaching them something.

Not with words, with behaviour.

Saying no today can mean raising an adult who:

• Is kind and respectful to others
• Doesn’t people please themselves into exhaustion
• Knows their value

This helps you stay grounded when the guilt kicks in.

If guilt keeps pulling you back into saying yes, grab my FREE self-care guide for busy mums. It contains tiny, realistic, and incredibly powerful tips you can start using today – no bubble baths or impossible routines required.

Related posts:

• Why I Put My Relationship BEFORE My Children (And Why That’s Actually Good for Them)
• People Judge Your Parenting? Here’s Why It’s Actually a Good Thing!
• The REAL Reason Motherhood Feels So Heavy (And How You Can Change It NOW)

4 Ways boundaries benefit your children

Now, boundaries aren’t just for you.

They actually help your kids too — and in ways that might surprise you.

Here’s how.

1. They make your child feel safer (not rejected)

This may surprise you.

But kids actually feel calmer when they know where the line is.

Clear boundaries mean:

• They know what to expect
• They don’t have to keep pushing
• They trust you to be steady

“I’m not available right now, but I will be later” is MUCH better than being present physically but emotionally checked out.

Children don’t need unlimited access to us.

They need emotionally regulated parents.

2. You stop parenting from resentment

This one is huge.

When you keep saying yes while feeling overwhelmed, resentment builds quietly.

You start doing things with a tight chest and a forced smile.

And kids feel that energy instantly.

Boundaries let you show up willingly, not resentfully.

And that changes the whole dynamic.

3. You model self respect without a lecture

You don’t need to explain boundaries in long speeches.

Kids learn by watching.

When they see you:

• Take a break
• Say “I need a moment”
• Protect your energy

They learn that self respect is normal.

And that lesson will matter to them looooooong after childhood.

4. Parenting feels lighter when you have limits

This is something no one talks about enough (and should be).

Boundaries don’t make you colder, they make you calmer.

And when you feel calmer, your parenting feels calmer too.

Pretty amazing, right?

If saying no feels hard right now…

Try this next time:

1. Picture them 20 years from now.
2. Ask yourself what you’re teaching them in this moment.

That’s it.

You’re not being a bad mum, you’re being a wonderful badass mum who doesn’t let her issues get in the way of raising her children.

And if you want another special guilt hack, I’ve created letter templates and prompts you can use to write to your child — to give them when they’re adults. It erases feelings of guilt like magic and preserves those special memories forever. You. Are. Welcome. 😉

Remember mama, your kids don’t need (and don’t want!) a mum who says yes to everything.

They need a mum who shows them how to live with healthy limits.