Ivana Poku Are you overwhelmed and stressed by the never-ending duties as a mum and wish you were able to say NO more often? (or at all!)
Don’t worry mama, you are not alone in this.
We all know that feeling when kids are finally in bed and we can finally pour ourselves a glass of wine and watch Netflix without any interruptions…
…when the phone rings!
You look at the display and it’s your parents.
You know that most likely they don’t want anything major.
They just want to chat and see how you all are.
However, after a long day of physical and mental struggle (especially the latter!), chatting on the phone is the last thing you want to do.
All you want to do is sit down, switch your brain off, and not think about anything.
You don’t answer and put the phone on silent.
After a few moments, a text appears on your display. “Can you talk?”
You want to say NO but at the same time, the idea of doing so makes you feel guilty.
Here’s another situation.
You have a visit at home and it is slowly getting to the time to put the children into bed. Your family routine when you all spend some time together as a family.
Tactfully, you announce to your guest (or guests) that you will soon have to start the evening routine in a hope that they will slowly start to rise. But your guest just nods and stays seated. ‘What now?’ you think. You wonder if you can ask your guest directly to leave, but something within tells you that to do such a thing would be mean of you. So you don’t say anything and rather rid yourself of a family evening that you had rightfully looked forward to all day long.
We experience a lot of similar situations. From the simple ones to the ones that are difficult to deal with.
It is true that since we became mothers our lives and our needs have significantly changed and we expect others to automatically adjust to these changes. Yes, some people are able to empathise with us. But some do not. Not that they don’t want to, they just don’t think the same way we do (which is only natural, of course).
Sometimes we try and help these people to see things from our perspective while trying not to cross the line of a healthy politeness. Looking for this balance can be challenging and may come across as a problem.
In most cases, we ultimately decide to move towards one side or the other. We either please ourselves and risk that we hurt the other party, or we please the other party and hurt ourselves.
By expressing yourself clearly you can provide the satisfaction of both parties, but of course, there are also cases where you cannot influence the reaction of the other party.
However, what you can influence is your perception of the situation and therefore your inner wellbeing.
Below, I offer you a few tips that have personally proven to be very effective by expressing my own will.
Learn to listen to your intuition
If your inner voice tells you you should or should not do something, listen to it. Following and observing how you feel and what you want is extremely important for your well-being.
For example, if you’d agreed on a meeting with a friend but you do not feel like it after all and you’d rather stay home, call her, apologise and find another day that would suit you both. If you repress your needs all the time, not only are you mentally unwell constantly, but it can also affect your relationships with your environment.
If you spend your time with someone just because you feel “you should”, nothing good can come out of such a meeting. The other party senses your tension and can eventually misinterpret it.
Always keep in mind that your intuition is your best guide.
Remember that you have the same rights as others
This is an alpha omega that personally works as a core pillar on the path to a healthy assertiveness. Whenever I tend to submit my needs to the needs of other people, I keep repeating this sentence in my mind until I believe it. Did you cancel on someone? That is ok, other people cancel meetings too, so why couldn’t you?
Watch the way you interpret the information
In many situations, the trick is only in the right interpretation of the information. It’s a big difference to say “I’m not in the mood” or to say,” I’m sorry, I would really love to see you, but I’m totally done. Can we agree on another day please?”
Remember that you will not hurt anyone by expressing your needs
For example – you want to cancel an agreed meeting with a friend as you need some time for yourself. Most of us in such a situation think they cannot be honest because their friend might get offended. But honestly – have you ever been offended when someone cancelled on you? Especially when they reasonably excused their action. You most likely did your best to reassure the other party that it is fine and that you understand them.
Why do you think that other people would not perceive the same situation the same way if it was you who cancelled a meeting, didn’t answer the phone etc.?
Bear in mind that if the other party get offended, it is their own issue that does not involve you
Some situations are more complicated and there is a risk that the other party will really get angry or offended. Let’s say you decide to ask your friend after her long-overstayed visit to leave.
You say, “I’m sorry, but we soon have to put the kids to bed and I really need to get some rest afterward. Can we meet again some other time please?” Your friend leaves, but you will yet torture yourself for another few days thinking if your action hadn’t hurt them. Here you need to honestly ask yourself: “Did I hurt them in any way?” No.
However bad it sounds – even if your friend gets angry or offended in such a situation, there may be another issue, their own personal problem that they have to deal with. However, this does not involve you.
Know your boundaries
Everyone has to know their boundaries and so should the people in their environment. If you need to switch off and talk to no one while your baby’s asleep in the morning, your surroundings should simply have to learn and respect it. Yes, initially they will get frustrated and maybe also trying to (often indirectly) emotionally blackmail you. But if you put your feet down, they will get used to the situation and respect your needs after a while. Although they may not agree with them, they will respect them.
The other day my son cried aloud because he wanted me to hand him something. However, I did not know what it was, because he could only communicate through the sounds, so I tried handing him one toy after another. My son was screaming throwing away everything I had given him until I had given him exactly the toy he wanted.
At that moment, I realised how perfect children are in demonstrating their needs. Try to watch your children sometimes how directly they express their will. Little children are not afraid to make themselves clear what they want and what they need at the moment. They do not hesitate and do not think about what others may they think of them.
Of course, I am not condoning rudeness or tactless behavior as we have learned as our children will with time some level of restraint, but you need to be confident in voicing how you really feel. For your benefit and for the people around you.
xx
