Ivana Poku Let me start with a confession.
I care about what other people think of me.
I hate the idea of being judged as a mum.
But it doesn’t stop be from being the mum I want to be.
I’m writing this blog post because so many mums I talk to — friends, readers, and even clients — say the same thing: “I’m terrified of what people will think if I do things my way.”
And I get it. We all want to be liked. We all care what others think.
(If someone says otherwise, they’re lying to themselves.)
But here’s the truth: when people talk about you behind your back… it can actually be a good thing.
In this post, I explain why.
But first, hello!
I’m Ivana, the founder of MumsJourney – a blog dedicated to supporting mums through every stage of their motherhood journey. I’m also a mentor, and author of Motherhood: The Unspoken, on a mission to stop mums struggling in silence and be the mum they truly want to be.
If you want to stop worrying about judgement and feel confident doing motherhood your way, this post is for you.
Why worrying about what others think is normal for mums
As I said above, it’s normal to worry about what others think.
The goal is to not worry about what they think too much, or worse – let it control your life or your parenting.
Here’s why people talking about you behind your back can actually be a good thing:
Actually – it can be one of the best things that ever happened to you!
Why?
Because it means you’re not following the crowd.
You’re not doing things to fit in.
You’re standing your ground and making choices that are right for YOU and YOUR family, even when it ruffles feathers.
And this attitude will inevitably trigger some mums — mostly those who don’t have the courage to do the same.
To live freely and make bold choices without fear.
The “Judgement Audit”: Who Are You Actually Afraid Of?
Let’s do something really simple, and really powerful.
When you say, “I’m scared of being judged”…
I want you to pause and ask yourself one question:
By who?
Not “people”, or “everyone”.
Not some vague group of mums out there.
Who, exactly?
Because once you name it, something interesting happens.
The fear gets smaller.
Most of the time, it’s not actually “people”
For most mums, judgement doesn’t come from a crowd.
It comes from:
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One family member
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One comment made years ago
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One mum at the school gate
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Or an imaginary version of someone on Instagram
And yet, we let that one voice run our lives.
We change how we parent.
Bloody hell, when we’re really honest with each other, we let it impact our children’s life and their future!
All to avoid disappointing someone who may not even care about us.
How crazy is that?
Here’s where it gets uncomfortable (in a good way)
Now, ask yourself these questions:
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Do I admire how this person parents?
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Do they live the kind of life I want?
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Would I go to them for advice if I was really struggling?
If the answer is no… why are they the authority on your motherhood?
Sometimes the loudest judgement isn’t even current
This one surprises a lot of mums.
The voice you’re afraid of might not even belong to someone in your life right now.
It could be:
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How you were raised
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Cultural expectations
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Old mum-group rules
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Things you were told a “good mum” should be
You’re not responding to today, you’re responding to conditioning.
And once you see that, it’s much easier to choose differently.
One thing I want you to remember
You don’t need anyone’s approval to be a good mum.
The moment you stop trying to please unnamed “people” and start listening to you, motherhood gets much easier and calmer.
More you.
And that’s not selfish.
That’s brave!
How to use parenting judgement to your advantage
We’ve all been there.
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You don’t pull out your baby’s bottle in public because you’re worried about disapproving looks.
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You don’t go away for the weekend with your friends (even if you desperately need it) because you don’t want others thinking you’re a selfish mum.
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You don’t give your toddler extra screen time even if you’re running on empty, because some Instagram “expert” implied good mums don’t do too much screen time.
And when you’re really honest with yourself — how does this approach benefit you or your family?
Even if you did everything by textbook, people will judge anyway. We all do.
So you might as well use it to your advantage.
That’s when you become a powerful mum.
On that note, you may also want to check these post:
- 13 Signs You’re a Good Mum (Even When You Feel Like You’re Failing)
- How I Became More Patient With My Children (Without Meditation Or Yoga)
- Why Mum Burnout Is NOT a Badge of Honour (And Why We Need to Stop Glorifying Sacrifice)
The hidden cost of trying to be the “likeable” mum
Here’s something we don’t talk about enough.
Trying to be the mum everyone approves of comes at a cost.
And no, it’s not just “feeling a bit annoyed sometimes.”
The real cost shows up quietly.
It looks like saying yes when you desperately want to say no.
It looks like smiling on the outside while feeling completely drained on the inside.
It looks like pushing through another day even though your body and mind are screaming for rest.
And over time?
That constant self-betrayal builds resentment. Towards your partner. Towards other mums. Sometimes even towards your children — which then brings guilt, shame, and the lovely internal voice saying, “What kind of mum feels like this?”
This is how so many mums end up burnt out, anxious, or feeling completely lost — not because they’re weak, but because they’ve been trying to be acceptable instead of authentic.
I see this all the time in the mums I support.
They didn’t “suddenly” lose confidence.
They slowly gave it away — one small decision at a time — in the name of keeping the peace and avoiding judgement.
And the saddest part?
The people they were trying so hard to please often didn’t even notice the sacrifice.
How to build lasting confidence as a mum
You probably already know many of these things intuitively — you just can’t find the confidence to act on them.
But it’s actually much easier than you think.
It all starts (and ends) with your decision.
You decide what kind of mum you want to be.
Then you become determined to become her.
Your intuition will guide you and nudge you in the right direction.
For example, when you spend all morning cleaning, but then you feel in your bones that you should just sit down and do nothing – instead of your regular “pushing through”, you honour your intuition and stop.
Even if you take one “small” step like this each day, it will gradually become second nature.
I didn’t get here overnight either.
And I still have a LOT to improve and work on.
There’s no finish line, it’s a lifelong journey.
And that makes it beautiful and exciting!
What really makes a great mum
Please burn this into your brain (well not literally, of course lol):
A great mum isn’t one who does things based on what others say.
A great mum doesn’t do what’s easy.
She does what is right — for her and her family.
She listens to herself and her children, not Instagram experts (if what they say doesn’t align with her values).
What to say (or not say) when you’re judged
Let’s be honest for a second.
Judgement usually doesn’t arrive politely with a warning.
It comes fast.
In the middle of Tesco, at the school gate, from a family member who “means well”, or from another mum who asks a question that isn’t really a question.
And suddenly your brain freezes.
You replay the moment later and think: “Ugh, I should’ve said THIS.”
So let me give you something powerful today.
You don’t need to explain yourself or defend your choices.
And you DEFINITELY don’t need to convince anyone you’re a good mum.
They don’t really care anyway.
Sometimes, we think others give us way more attention than they actually do.
Remember, people are busy with their lives AND with worrying what others think of them.
Simple things you can say (and then stop talking)
These work because they’re short, boring, and they don’t invite debate.
You can say:
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“This works for our family.”
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“I’m comfortable with this decision.”
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“We’ve thought about it and this feels right for us.”
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“Thanks, I’ve got it covered.”
That’s it.
No over-explaining.
Confidence isn’t loud, it’s calm.
And the calmer you are, the quicker people back off.
Here’s something even more important…
You’re also allowed to say nothing.
Yes, really.
You’re allowed:
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Silence
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A polite smile
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A subject change
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Walking away
Not every comment deserves a response.
Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is not engage.
Putting it all together
Here you go, my lovely!
When people judge you or talk about you, remember it’s likely a sign that you’re doing something brave.
If you’re constantly trying to avoid judgment or stop people talking about you, you’re focusing on the wrong thing.
You can be happy, or you can fit in.
Choose happy, always.
And if you have any questions, drop it in the comments. I love to hear from my readers!
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