New Mums: You DON’T Have To Enjoy Every Moment of Motherhood – And Here’s Why

“Enjoy every moment.”

“You’ll miss this one day,”

“Make the most of it while they’re small.”

“You’re so lucky.”

Sounds familiar?

Even though people mean well, these phrases can make a new mum feel like she’s failing when real life isn’t perfect.

Most often, it comes from mums whose kids are grown.

And now that my twins are nine, I understand where they come from (more on that later).

But when I was a new mum in the thick of it, those words crushed me.

Because when you’re sleep-deprived, overwhelmed, and maybe even battling postnatal depression like I was, being told to “enjoy it” feels like a punch in the gut.

I remember thinking: What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I enjoy this? Am I a bad mum?

The truth is, I wasn’t a bad mum.

I was a new mum in the most vulnerable stage.

And hearing “enjoy every moment” only piled on guilt, shame, and silenced my real emotions.

In this post, I’ll share why this phrase can do more harm than good, what people really mean when they say it, and how to flip it so it actually uplifts you instead of tearing you down.

The Pressure of Toxic Positivity In Motherhood

Have you heard of the term toxic positivity?

I like to think of myself as a positive person. But there’s a big difference between what I call motivational positivity and toxic positivity.

Motivational positivity lifts you up. It inspires you, gives you energy, and reminds you of your own strength.

Toxic positivity, on the other hand, does the opposite. It makes you feel worse. It tears you down.

It happens when positivity is forced on you at a time when you’re not emotionally able to feel it.

For example: if you’re struggling as a new mum, telling yourself to “just think positive” won’t help.

In fact, you probably can’t feel positive right now.

And if you’re battling postnatal depression, a serious illness, telling yourself to “be grateful” is like telling someone with cancer to “just stop being sick.”

So let’s be real.

As a new mum, you’re adjusting to the biggest transformation of your life.

Your hormones and emotions are all over the place.

You’re lucky if you enjoy some moments, let alone every single one.

Think about it: your days are a blur of feeding, changing nappies, listening to crying and screaming, running on zero sleep, and having no time for yourself… You can’t even go to the shop freely! (I talk more about the reality of being a new mum in this post).

So realistically, what’s there to enjoy?

The people who tell you to “enjoy every moment” have simply forgotten how brutal this stage can be. That’s all.

The truth is, it’s physically impossible to enjoy every moment of anything in life. Why should motherhood be any different?

So please, don’t beat yourself up for not enjoying every single second.

No one does. Not even the people who tell you to.

It’s completely normal to feel a whole mix of emotions when you become a mum: love, joy, confusion, loneliness, rage, regret, isolation… all of it.

That’s real. That’s motherhood.

Toxic positivity doesn’t just ignore the hard parts of being a mum, it erases them.

And when your struggles are erased, you feel erased too.

When “Enjoy Every Moment” Feels Like Emotional Gaslighting

When a struggling mum expresses frustration, hearing “enjoy every moment” often feels dismissive.

It leads to silent struggles.

It pressures mothers to pretend they are okay, all while buried under guilt for not feeling ok.

And from there, it only a small step into the rms of severe mental health issues, including postnatal depression.

When a struggling mum expresses frustration, hearing “enjoy every moment” often feels dismissive.

It leads to silent struggles.

It pressures mothers to pretend they are okay, all while feeling buried under guilt for not feeling okay.

And from there, it’s only a small step toward severe mental health issues, including postnatal depression.

This phrase, though often well-meaning, can be a form of emotional gaslighting. It tells mums that their real feelings aren’t valid, that struggling is a failure, and that they should feel something they simply can’t right now.

Motherhood is messy. It’s hard. It’s exhausting.

And it’s normal not to enjoy every single moment.

Acknowledging that truth is the first step toward support, understanding, and real relief.

Real Advice for New Mums Struggling with the Pressure

• From Nurturing the Sisterhood: “Telling a mother to suck it up and enjoy it … leads to unhealthy self-sacrifice, ignoring important needs, burnout, stress, and overwhelm.” – Nurturing the Sisterhood

• Overlay from Parents.com: “The expectation that we should enjoy every second of the stress just adds guilt to our plate.” – Parents

• Guardian reflection: “Feeling any negative emotion… has made them feel deep shame.” – The Guardian

• Reddit raw honesty: “The ‘enjoy every moment’ is just a fantasy that older people put in your head.” – Reddit

Why People Say “Enjoy Every Moment” – And How To Make It Work for You

Now that my twins are nine, I start to understand why people say “enjoy every moment.”

Time really does fly.

Sometimes, I feel a sharp ache thinking about how fast my children have grown.

I remember when I was the centre of their world and they needed me all the time.

It’s bittersweet watching them grow, and many mums feel guilty for not enjoying those early years more.

When people say “enjoy every moment”, they simply don’t want you to feel the same regret they do.

The truth is though, they don’t remember how hard it was when their children were small.

It’s just how our brains work. (I’m sure you experienced this after a break up.)

Your brains erases the hard bits, changes the good bits, and leaves you with a memory that isn’t exactly right.

That’s all it is.

So here’s how to make the “enjoy every moment” advice work for you:

• It’s a proof that this stage won’t last forever

One day, these messy, exhausting days will be just memories. The sleepless nights, the endless crying, the tiny victories… you’ll remember them, but they won’t feel as heavy. Thinking about this can actually bring comfort. It reminds you that even the hardest moments are temporary.

• It helps you see the bigger picture.

Try imagining your kids growing up. They’ll still love you, but they won’t need you for everything anymore. Thinking about this can lift some of the heaviness and help you see your current struggles from a wider perspective.

Reframing the Narrative: What Mums Actually Need to Hear

Even though “enjoy every moment” isn’t the best advice, it usually comes from a good place. And if you read between the lines, it can be helpful.

But what a new mum really needs to hear is so much more than that.

You need to hear things like:

• “It’s normal to feel overwhelmed, exhausted, or lonely.”

• “You are not alone in feeling this way.”

• “You can be a good mum and still hate parts of motherhood.”

• “I hated baby stage, it was the worst.”

• “It’s normal to love your baby but not enjoy being a mum all the time.”

• “You’re doing an incredible job.”

• “This stage is very hard, but I promise your life won’t look like this forever.”

All of this is true.

It’s not about forcing happiness.

It’s about knowing your feelings are real, normal, and seen.

It’s normal if you cry over the washing, scream into a pillow when the baby won’t sleep, or feel your heart ache with guilt.

None of that makes you a “bad” mum, or a “good” one.

It makes you a mum.

Last Thoughts: You’re Doing An Incredible Job

Motherhood doesn’t come with a rulebook, and there’s no “right” way to feel.

Some days you’ll be on top of the world, and others you’ll barely survive the morning.

The truth is, you don’t need to enjoy every moment, you just need to survive, show up, and know that your feelings are valid.

You are not failing. You are growing, learning, and loving in your own messy, beautiful way.

So the next time someone tells you to “enjoy every moment,” try to take a deep breath and remind yourself:

It’s normal to struggle. They struggled too. This is my reminder that this stage won’t last forever.

Feeling Overwhelmed As a New Mum? You’re Not Alone

If you’re a new mum struggling with postnatal challenges, you don’t have to face it alone. Download my free guide How to cope when you feel you can’t.

Always remember mama, you’re doing an INCREDIBLE job!

Don’t ever let anyone make you doubt that.