Why the Newborn Stage Is So Hard (You're Not Imagining It)

A mum of three explains why the newborn stage is so hard – and when you can expect things to finally get easier.

If you’ve just had a baby, I’m sure you’ve asked yourself: Does it ever get easier?

And you desperately want the answer to be yes.

Because the thought of motherhood being this hard forever is terrifying.

Right now, you feel lost, exhausted and confused.

Maybe you secretly think:

This is not what I signed up for!

Or even:

What have I done?

(Don’t worry, I was asking myself the same questions.)

The worst part about the newborn stage isn’t the sleepless nights.

It’s the shock to the system.

One day, life is familiar, and the next, everything has changed.

Newborn trenches are real and not spoken about enough.

If you’re struggling to cope, I promise you’re not alone.

You are simply going through the biggest transformation of your life.

I know this is not what the movies promised.

And sadly, people – and even antenatal classes – don’t talk about this enough.

That becoming a mum is not always a joyful experience.

So I wrote this post to explain:

Why the newborn stage feels so hard
Why you’re not enjoying it
When do things start to get easier (and more enjoyable)

And if you’re looking for a more detailed guide, I also wrote a full post on How to Survive the Newborn Stage.

But first, hello!

I’m Ivana, a mum of three boys (including twins), and author of Motherhood – The Unspoken, on a mission to create a world where mums feel seen and supported.

After having the twins in 2016, I had severe postnatal depression. It was the scariest and loneliest time of my life, but it also helped me realise how many mums struggle quietly.

When I recovered, I started this blog to show other mums they’re not alone and that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Now, with that being said, let’s look at what the newborn stage usually looks like week by week.

Related posts:

Timeline: the newborn stage week by week

Weeks 1–6: The hardest newborn weeks as you’re adjusting to a new life.
Months 2–3: Things slowly start improving as babies become more predictable.
Months 4–6: Baby becomes a bit more independent and you feel more confident.

What are the “newborn trenches”?

It’s the phrase mums use for those first brutal weeks after birth – when you’re sleep deprived, confused, and your hormones are all over the place.

(I know we don’t like to use the word hormones, but it is what it is, eh?)

You barely recognise your own life.

If that’s where you are right now, you’re not imagining how hard it is.

It is hard.

Is the newborn phase the hardest?

Now, let’s tackle the million-dollar question: is the newborn stage the hardest?

YES. One hundred percent, absolutely, undeniably yes.

But not for the reasons people usually tell you.

You may have seen social media posts that claim that the newborn phase is easier than later ones when your baby starts to crawl, run, or throw food on the wall.

Sure, on paper it may look easier now: they’re tiny and mostly stationary.

But those posts miss the point. Completely.

Because what makes the newborn stage so hard isn’t the baby or their behaviour.

(Although listening to a crying baby at 2am can certainly test your sanity.)

It’s the shock to your system, the complete upheaval of your life.

Nothing prepares you for that.

You give birth to the baby in one day, but your mind takes months to catch up.

You grieve your old life, your freedom, and the old version of you.

This feeling is very common.

Why the early newborn weeks are the most challenging

Even though postpartum (postnatal) period can last up to two years after birth, most new mums find the first to twelve weeks the most challenging.

You are sleep deprived, you have no time for you, all you do is feed or change nappies, and your hormones are all over the place.

This combination is brutal for any human being.

One minute you’re in love with your baby’s tiny fingers, the next you long to turn back the time.

You don’t know what day it is, you can’t remember when you last washed your hair, and if someone says “sleep when the baby sleeps” one more time, you will scream into a pillow.

If you hate being a mum, or even regret having a baby, you’re not the only one.

Trust me, most new mums (myself included) have these feelings from time to time when in the thick of things.

I remember looking at my newborn twins as they were asleep, thinking: What have I done?

If you’re also struggling right now, I put together a FREE postpartum survival toolkit with the exact steps that will help you make mum life MUCH easier & more enjoyable. You can grab it here.

You feel like you’re living on autopilot

In the early months, life can feel mechanical.

You go through the motions, ticking boxes, trying to keep your head above water.

You don’t feel like a person anymore.

Right now, you feel just like a milk provider, a nappy (diaper) changing unit.

A shell with no life inside.

From each direction, you hear “enjoy every moment” and if feels like a slap in the face. (Just for the record: You DON’T have to enjoy every moment of motherhood.)

It makes you feel unseen and incredibly lonely.

That loneliness is one of the reasons I wrote Motherhood: The Unspoken – so you’d have proof, in black and white, that other mums felt this too.

It’s especially tough with the first baby

The first time is like being thrown into the deep end.

It’s a massive shock to the system.

But even with a second or third child, it’s still a massive adjustment.

Because every new baby brings a new dynamic to your family and to your life.

The main difference is that it doesn’t change as dramatically as with the first one.

So… when do newborn days finally get easier?

Ok, now let’s talk about when things get easier and become more enjoyable (or just enjoyable full stop).

For most new mums, the hardest weeks are the first six to twelve weeks.

Not because the baby is more difficult, but because you are still adjusting to life with them.

After the first few months, your hormones and feelings begin to settle.

You’re not living minute to minute, surviving.

You have emotional footing again.

Over time, the brutal parts of the newborn stage blur.

Your brain simply lets them fade. (Otherwise I don’t think many mums would have more than one child!)

Another thing that makes all the difference is time.

As your baby grows, starts smiling, crawling, and taking their first steps, motherhood begins to feel MUCH lighter and more enjoyable.

Before you know it, this stage will be just a distant memory.

Related posts:

3 Main things that make the newborn stage easier

Of course, there are things you can do right now to make you life easier.

Here are the main ones:

1. Talk to a fellow mum you trust

The best thing you can do right now is talk about how you really feel with someone you trust – and someone you know will support you.

If there’s just one thing you take from this post, let it be this: speak up.

I didn’t talk about how I felt and it resulted in the hardest year of my life and severe postnatal depression.

And I truly don’t want that to happen to you too.

I know it’s incredibly hard to talk about your feelings when you already feel guilty for having them. But staying quiet is often even harder.

Ideally, you’d speak to a professional. But let’s be honest – that’s often easier said than done.

As a new mum, you’re handed leaflets and phone numbers to call if you feel low. But when you already feel ashamed, overwhelmed, or scared of being judged, opening up to a complete stranger can feel impossible.

That’s why I always suggest you talk to someone you trust and you know will support you first.

If speaking up feels too hard right now, my “Say it for me” messages can help.

2. Make asking for help your new normal

Ask for help like it’s your job.

You may feel like a “good mum” should be able to do everything herself.

But when you really think about it, nobody actually told you that. It’s simply a belief you picked up over the years.

And beliefs can be unlearned.

You are already a superhero. You don’t need to prove it to yourself, and you definitely don’t need to prove it to anyone else. (They already know it.)

Also, remember that people LOVE to help. How do you feel when someone ask you for a favour? Personally, I feel honoured and valued when I see people trust me to help them.

When you don’t ask other for help, you are also depriving them of this feeling.

It’s a win win.

3. Learn to love yourself again

When you were little, you loved yourself with all your heart. Just look at children: they love everything about themselves (even their number twos!), they know their worth and don’t doubt it for one second.

But as you grew, you started to listen to voices around you and slowly developed an inner critic.

What I want you to do now is reconnect with that younger version of you and offer her the same compassion you would naturally give your own child.

For example, if you lost it in a moment, instead of beating yourself up, remind yourself of what led you there.

It might sound like, “I’ve been on edge since this morning. I haven’t slept properly for weeks, and my baby has been crying for hours. Of course I snapped.”

This small shift takes a huge amount of pressure off and teaches you have more compassion for yourself (and others).

4. Do (at least) one thing that is just yours

One of the hardest things about becoming a new mum is the sudden change to your daily routine.

Your old routines disappear, and everything revolves around the baby.

Which is normal, of course, but can also feel daunting and lonely.

Something that can really help soften that shock is staying connected to the little things that make you feel like you.

For instance:

Listen to your favourite music that takes you back to happy memories
Put on makeup if that’s something you enjoy (even if you’re staying in)
Read your favourite book
Call your best friend when your baby sleeps
Do a hobby you love
(Binge) watch your favourite TV show

Anything that helps you feel like you.

Trust me, these little “me” moments were my lifeline when my twins were tiny.

They gave me something to look forward to and reminded me that I was still me (not “just a mum”).

Final word

So… is the newborn stage the hardest?

Yes. Absolutely, 100% yes.

Not because of the baby, but because of what it demands of you.

The majority of new mums feel emotions they’re ashamed to admit out loud.

Becoming a mum is hard and it’s the most powerful transformation a person can go through.

So if you’re in the thick of it, please know this: You’re not failing.

You’re becoming.

If you want to go deeper and read real stories from other new mums, how they felt behind closed doors, and how they coped, check out my book Motherhood: The Unspoken.

In the meantime, here are more posts you may like:

FAQs

1. How long do the newborn trenches last?

The newborn stage – or the newborn trenches, as many mums call it – lasts until your baby is around 2 months (8 weeks) old. Of course, every baby is different, but by then many parents find that feeding, sleep, and everyday life slowly start to feel a little easier.

2. Is the newborn phase the hardest?

For most parents, yes – because your whole life changes overnight, you are sleep deprived, and your emotions are all over the place. Everything is new and you often have no idea what to do – while caring for a newborn who depends on you for absolutely everything. It’s a lot to take in all at once.

3. How can I survive the newborn stage without losing my mind?

Take small steps every day to care for yourself (physically and mentally), even if it’s just two minutes of quiet or getting some fresh air. Keep routines simple, accept and ask for help like it’s your job, and remember that it’s all just temporary. Don’t think about next week or month, focus on one day at a time.

4. Does it get easier after the first baby?

Many parents find things a bit easier with the second baby because they know what to expect. But every baby changes your life and family dynamics so it can still be tough in the early months.

5. When will I feel like myself again after having a baby?

You will feel more like yourself over the first few months as your baby’s routine settles and your body and mind recover and adjust. It doesn’t happen overnight, but with the right tools and support, you’ll get there before you know it.

6. Can the newborn stage cause postnatal depression?

Yes, the newborn stage can make some parents feel very low, especially if they’re struggling alone. If you ever feel hopeless or overwhelmed, please talk to someone you trust and who you know will support you.

7. Why do some parents struggle more than others in the newborn stage?

Every parent’s experience is different. Some have lots of help, some babies sleep better, and some parents recover from birth faster. How you feel also depends on your personality and your mental health history. But all new mums find the newborn phase hard in some way, they just don’t always talk about it.

Why the Newborn Stage Is So Hard (You’re Not Imagining It)

A mum of three explains why the newborn stage is so hard – and when you can expect things to finally get easier.

Timeline: the newborn stage week by week

What are the “newborn trenches”?

Is the newborn phase the hardest?