Ivana Poku If you’ve found yourself thinking Is it normal to regret having a baby? it can be terrifying.
Like there’s something wrong with you.
For years, you’ve been told that becoming a mum is the most amazing, happiest time in a woman’s life.
You’ve been imagining two lines on a pregnancy test, holding your baby in your arms, your heart bursting with love and joy.
It probably didn’t occur to you that feeling anything other than positive emotions could even be an option.
Yet now that your baby is here, you feel nothing like you expected.
The reality has hit hard.
You miss your old life and the freedom you had.
And you feel like a horrible mum because you believe everyone else is having a great time with the baby, but you.
In this post, I’ll help you understand your feelings, and show you how to feel better so that you can finally enjoy your baby like you always wanted.
But first, hello!
When I pulled through PPD, I founded MumsJourney – a blog dedicated to supporting mums through every stage of their motherhood journey. I’m also a mentor, and author of Motherhood: The Unspoken, creating a world where all mums feel seen and supported.
In this post I cover:
- why you feel regret about having a baby
- why it’s totally normal and common
- how to start enjoying your baby
Let’s dive in.
Related posts:
- 7 Simple Tips To Make New Mum Friends (Even If You Are An Introvert)
- The Only Gift I’d Give a First Time Mum (And I’ve Been One)
- New Mum Advice: 45+ Tips from Real Mums & Parenting Experts You’ll Actually Use
Why so many mums feel postpartum regret
There is a huge difference between the expectations and reality when it comes to life as a new mum. I talk about it more in the post I read all the parenting books – motherhood still shocked me.
Your life changes overnight, but you can’t adjust to it all from one day to the next.
One day you have your life and freedom, and the next you’re holding a crying baby that totally depends on you and you can no longer do anything you’re used to.
All in all, your mind and body go through a massive shock when you become a mum.
It can take months to adjust to your new life, so it’s normal to feel overwhelmed at first.
I’ll never forget the moment when I watched my newborn babies sleep and wished I could travel back in time and change my decision to have them.
I thought, Why did we want them? Why were we so stupid?
I would beat myself up and spend hours wondering why they had to be born.
It was excruciating.
The loneliest feeling I’ve ever experienced.
It’s been ten years since, and having worked with hundreds of mums since, I can tell you that most new mums experience this than anyone talks about.
Even if a new mum doesn’t regret having a baby, she experiences confusing thoughts and feelings that take her by surprise.
It’s a natural and expected part becoming a mum.
I dive deeper into practical tips on how to handle the mental load after birth in my email series Postpartum survival toolkit. It shares everything I wish I knew when I had my twins as it would have made my life so much easier, and also more enjoyable.
How to accept your feelings as a new mum without guilt
The first step to feeling better is realising there is nothing wrong with you.
You’re just adjusting to a big life change.
Think back to any other major change in your life. It took time to adjust, didn’t it? You missed the “before” at some point, right?
Motherhood is the biggest transformation you’ll ever experience, which means the adjustment will naturally be harder and take longer.
But if the regret, numbness, hopelessness, anxiety, or dark thoughts feel intense, constant, or frightening, it’s important to speak to a GP or doctor, midwife, or mental health professional.
Regret doesn’t mean you don’t love your baby
It’s also important to remember: feeling regret or longing for your old life doesn’t mean you don’t love your baby.
You may love your baby, but it doesn’t always feel like the magical movie moment.
You and your baby are still getting to know each other.”
Maternal bond and love is also something that takes time to grow.
That’s the reality of postpartum life.
Some days will feel magical, and others unbearable.
Not just when it comes to feelings but you are also healing after birth, you’re sleep deprived, you’re dealing with a crying baby, all you do is feed and change nappies, you have no time for you…
It’s brutal, but I promise it’s also only temporary.
Before you know it, this stage will be just a distant memory.
I promise!
If you’re currently in the thick of it, also check out my post How to Survive the Newborn Stage: A First-Time Mum’s Guide to the First 6 Months where I share more practical tips for surviving the first hardest months of motherhood.
What can you do to start enjoying your baby
Now that you understand that regret after baby is normal, let’s talk about some practical things you can do to start enjoying your new life as a mum:
1. Give yourself love and compassion
Whenever you feel regret (or anything else you don’t like), rather than feeling guilty or ashamed, give yourself compassion.
Your mind and body are going through a lot right now, so of course you’re having all these feelings. How could you not?
This mindset shift can make a massive difference in how you feel.
Starting today, make a promise to yourself to stop all self criticism and self blame.
2. Talk to someone you trust
Sharing your feelings with someone you trust helps you understand you are not alone and reduce the risks of postnatal depression.
Struggles thrive in silence so if you bottle it up, it will only get worse over time.
I hid how I really felt for almost a year and it nearly broke me. With my third, I knew better and I was open and honest about my feelings with anyone I met.
I know, speaking up can be hard, especially if you’re a first time mum.
If this is the case for you, my ready-to-send messages can help. It’s a super easy way to open up without having to say anything.
4. Remember you DO love your baby and the bond will grow
You do love your baby, you just don’t always feel it in the way you think you “should”.
And you’re not alone in this – most new mums feel just like you do. Just because they don’t talk about it, doesn’t mean they don’t experience it.
Love takes time to grow, and your bond will strengthen with every cuddle, smile, and new experience. Trust the process and nature – the feeling will come in its own time.
5. Get out and speak to other mums
There’s something magical about stepping outside, getting fresh air, talking to other mums and hear them say “Me too!”.
It sounds simple, but it can pull you out of the darkness more than you realise. Nothing compares to hearing other mum say they go through the same thing. Suddenly, the world feels less lonely, and the future doesn’t feel so hopeless.
Step outside every day, even if it’s only for a short walk or a quick coffee. Join local groups for new mums – baby classes, park meetups, support groups, or anything that helps you feel connected again. You can even create your own supportive community of mums.
Motherhood was never meant to be done alone.
6. Don’t stop doing things you love
Even though you don’t have much time for yourself right now, it’s important to find time that’s just for you – even if it’s only 30 minutes doing something you love.
Becoming a mum doesn’t mean you stop being you. In fact, this is the perfect reason to keep doing what you love and follow your dreams.
When they see you rest, laugh, and care for your own wellbeing, they learn that their needs and happiness matter as well.
Final word
It’s normal and expected to have all sorts of “weird” and unexpected emotions after having a baby.
Missing your old life, feeling sad and lonely, or regretting having a baby is more common than you think.
I promise that very soon, this stage will become just a distant memory.
You’re not failing your baby.
You’re simply learning and adjusting, like we all did.
It’s not easy, but it will only become easier and happier from here.
I promise!
And if you find motherhood overwhelming right now, check out my FREE email series Postpartum Survival Toolkit.
Inside, I share proven steps that helped me ease the mental load and finally start enjoying my babies.
FAQs
1. Is regretting having a baby normal?
Yes, feeling regret after having a baby is completely normal and more common than most people realise. Your life changes over night but your brains needs time to catch up. This does not make you a bad mum, and it does not mean you don’t love your baby. These feelings usually go away as you adjust to motherhood and get more support.
2. When will I stop feeling regret?
For most mums, these feelings get better in a few weeks, sometimes months. As you adjust to life with the baby, get more sleep, and as your baby grows and becomes more independent, things usually become much easier. But if your feelings are very intense or don’t get better with time, it’s important to speak to your doctor, GP or mental health professional.
3. Can you love your baby and still regret motherhood?
Absolutely! Regret has nothing to do with how much you love your baby. These feelings don’t cancel each other out. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad mum. It usually means you’re tired, adjusting, and dealing with a huge life change all at once.
4. Is it normal to miss your old life after having a baby?
Yes, it’s very normal. Your life changes from one day to the next so it’s natural to miss your freedom, routine, and the things you used to do. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your baby, it simply means you’re a new mum who is adjusting to a new life.
5. Why does motherhood feel harder than I expected?
Because it’s a huge life change, and nothing really prepares you for it. Your sleep is broken, your body is healing, your hormones are all over the place, and you suddenly have a crying baby who totally depends on you. It’s a shock to the system so it’s normal to feel overwhelmed. Most new mums feel this way at first.
6. Do other mums feel this way too?
Absolutely, lots of mums feel this way, even if they don’t talk about it. Many go through moments of doubt, overwhelm, loneliness, and sadness after having a baby. I promise that when you do start opening up, you’ll be surprised by how many mums say, “Me too”.
7. Can sleep deprivation make you feel worse?
Yes, definitely. When you don’t sleep properly, everything feels harder and darker. You may feel more emotional, more anxious, and more overwhelmed. Even small things can feel like too much. It’s very common for new mums to feel worse when they’re exhausted.
8. How do I know if this is postpartum depression?
If you feel very low most of the time, can’t enjoy things you usually do, feel hopeless, or like you’re struggling to cope day to day, it could be postpartum depression. But don’t spend too much time analysing if it’s postpartum depression or not. If you feel something is off, that’s a reason to take it seriously. If you feel low for more than a couple of weeks or it feels really heavy, ispeak to your doctor, GP or health visitor. You don’t have to (and you shouldn’t) go through it alone.
9. When should I reach out for help?
As soon as you feel like you’re struggling in any way. Don’t need to wait until things get really bad. If you feel overwhelmed, low, anxious, or like you can’t cope, that’s the right time to ask for help. The earlier you speak to someone, the sooner you’ll feel better.
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