Intrusive Thoughts After Having a Baby: Why Your Brain Does This

Intrusive thoughts after having a baby are extremely uncomfortable.

Well, the term “uncomfortable” doesn’t even begin to describe it.

It’s frightening, distressing, and confusing as hell.

You may have had thoughts about throwing your baby down the stairs.

Or about suffocating them in their sleep.

And then comes the guilt and confusion.

Why am I thinking that?

What is wrong with me?

Well, the good news is you are not the only one having these thoughts.

And they don’t mean that you’re a bad mum.

In fact, did you know they can actually be a sign that your brain is trying to protect your baby? (As strange as that sounds.)

In this post, I’ll explain:

What intrusive thoughts are and where they come from
How to xx
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But first, hello!

I’m Ivana Poku, a mum of three boys (including twins), the founder of MumsJourney, and author of Motherhood: The Unspoken, on a mission to create a world where mums feel seen and supported.

After having our twins in 2016, I experienced severe postnatal depression, and intrusive thoughts were one of the things I dealt with on an almost daily basis.

It was one of the hardest times of my life, but it also helped me understand how many new mums struggle in silence.

After recovering from PPD, I started this blog to help other mums so they never feel alone in what they’re going through.

If you want to hear real stories from other mums who have been there and learn how they cope with common challenges, you can find them in my book Motherhood: The Unspoken.

It shares everything about life as a new mum that antenatal classes and parenting books often leave out, and helps you feel seen, understood, and never alone.

Now, let’s get into it.

A little backstory…

I’ll be honest, looking back, I am not sure if what I experienced was only intrusive thoughts or something more.

I was never assesed because I never spoke about my intrusive thoughts to anyone. That’s one of the reasons I always encourage you to seek help instead of trying to figure it out on your own.

The important thing is that I was struggling, and I needed support.

I also had postpartum depression, but at the time, I didn’t know I had it.

I simply felt like I was failing, so I kept my real feelings from the world and struggled in silence.

You can read my full PPD story in my post My honest postpartum depression story (and how I recovered).

In the first weeks, I’d imagine harming my kids almost daily.

Over time, as my suppressed emotions built up, it got as far as feeling a strong urge to hurt my son.

This was the scariest moment of my life, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. It was like something took over my mind, and I had no control over what I thought, felt, or did.

I strapped him safely into the bouncer and locked myself in the bedroom.

As I said, I am not sure if this was intrusive thoughts or something more severe, but I know how scary they both can be.

And that’s why I always suggest not wasting time wondering if what you feel or think is normal or not. If you feel like you are not okay or are not safe around your kids, seek help immediately.

Don’t worry, no one will take your baby away from you.

I talk about more what to expect when you seek help in the post What is postnatal depression: Everything you need to know.

What are intrusive thoughts

Intrusive thoughts are unwanted distressing thoughts that pop into your mind after having a baby.

They can appear out of nowhere and often involve worries that something bad might happen to your baby or that you might accidentally hurt them.

The strange thing about intrusive thoughts is that they are usually the things you least want to happen. They can feel frightening because they go against the kind of mum you are and want to be.

For example:

“What if I drop the baby?”
“What if something terrible happens while I’m bathing them?”
“What if I hurt my baby?”

The most important thing to remember is:

Having an intrusive thought does not mean you want it to happen. It does not mean you are a bad mum, and it does not mean you will act on it.

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Intrusive thoughts vs postpartum psychosis

It is also important to understand the difference between intrusive thoughts and postpartum psychosis, as you may confuse the two.

With intrusive thoughts, the thoughts are usually unwanted, frightening, and upsetting. They often go against the kind of mum you are and the way you want to care for your baby.

Postpartum psychosis is different. It is a rare but serious condition where someone may lose touch with reality. This can include:

hearing or seeing things that others don’t
having unusual beliefs that feel completely real
feeling very confused, or like you might act on thoughts of harming themselves or your baby

If you experience any of these symptoms, seek urgent medical help.

For more information on postparutm psyhosis, see my post Postpartum depression and psychosis: how to tell thee difference.

Where do intrusive thoughts come from?

Your brain can produce intrusive thoughts because it is trying to protect you and your baby.

When you become a mum, your brain’s number one focus is to keep your baby safe.

So it starts looking for anything that could go wrong so you can prevent it.

That’s why your brain sometimes sends you scary “what if” thoughts – to help you notice possible dangers and avoid them.

Think of it like a built-in alarm system. Your brain constantly scans for anything that could be a threat and tries to warn you – even when there is no real danger.

All in all, intrusive thoughts can feel very scary, but they are simply your brain’s way of protecting your baby.

Why intrusive thoughts feel so scary

The reason intrusive thoughts feel so terrifying is because they go against everything you believe in and everything you want as a mum.

You love your baby with all your heart, so when your brain suddenly shows you a scary image about something happening to them, it definitely feels horrifying.

You may think:

“Why would I think something like that?”
“Does this mean I am a bad mum?”
“What if it means I actually want to do it?”

But don’t worry, a thought is not an intention or a desire.

In fact, the reason these thoughts upset you so much is because it’s not something you’d do.

I know it may seem like it doesn’t make any sense, but when you really think about it, it’s actually a very clever protective system.

How to manage intrusive thoughts so they don’t take over

When you have an intrusive thought, you most likely panic and try to push it away.

And as weird as it may sound, that’s the worst thing you can do.

Because what you resist, persists.

When you fight, it will make the thought stronger.

So here are a few tips that will help you:

1. Name what is happening

It’s surprising how much power a thought loses when you acknowledge it and give it a name.

You can say to yourself:

“I am having an intrusive thought right now.”

When you do that, you create some distance and no longer identify yourself with the thought.

In other words, you no longer feel like a bad mum or that there is something wrong with you.

You acknowledge that it’s just a thought, not you.

2. Don’t argue with your brain

You may want to prove to yourself that you would never do something like that.

But if you overanalyse the thought, it can keep you stuck in a cycle of fear.

So acknowledge it and then move your attention back to what you are doing.

3. Speak to other mums who have been there

Intrusive thoughts, just like mental health illnesses, thrive in silence.

And if you feel ashamed or guilty for having them, it is like adding fuel to the fire.

So, if the intrusive thoughts become unbearable or show up too often, speak to someone who can support you, whether that is a fellow mum who’s been there, your partner, a friend, or a healthcare professional.

You’d be surprised by how many mums experience scary thoughts after having a baby.

They’re just, probably like yourself, afraid to talk about them.

If you find it hard to make mum friends, these posts may help:

4. Take care of yourself

I know you’ve heard this one many times before, but looking after yourself and your wellbeing needs to be your priority right now.

When you feel more relaxed, everything will become easier.

And the intrusive thoughts may ease or even disappear completely.

I know it’s hard to find the time for self care as a new mum, so make sure to also check out my post How to find time for self care as a busy mum (without adding more pressure) for some effective tips.

When to seek help

Intrusive thoughts can be very distressing so please don’t feel like you have to deal with them on your own.

If they:

keep coming back
make you feel anxious
stop you from enjoying your baby
or make you avoid certain situations

speak to someone you trust.

You can talk to other mums, your doctor, GP, midwife, health visitor, or a mental health professional. They are there to help you, not judge you.

If you ever feel like you might act on the thoughts or you don’t feel safe around your baby, seek help immediately.

Please don’t wait and hope it will pass on its own.

The sooner you get help, the sooner the unwanted thoughts and feelings dissapear.

Asking for help shows that you care about yourself and your baby. It is one of the bravest things you can do.

Take it from me – I waited too long before I spoke up and if I hadn’t, it may have not needed to escalate to depression.

This is something I will never know, but what I know for sure is that You are not alone in this.

I’m going to say it again:

You. are. not. alone.

There are many people out there, who are ready to help and support you.

All you need to do is ask.

If you find speaking up difficult, my 64 “Say it for me” messages can help.

And if you have any questions, feel free to comment below or email me at ivana.poku@mumsjourney.com.

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FAQs

1. Are intrusive thoughts normal after having a baby?

Yes, intrusive thoughts can be a normal part of becoming a parent. If you have them, it doesn’t mean you are a bad mum or that something is wrong with you.

2. Why am I having thoughts about hurting my baby?

These unwanted thoughts often happen because your brain is trying to protect your baby. It scans for possible dangers and sometimes focuses on the exact things you would never want to happen.

3. Does having intrusive thoughts mean I am a bad mum?

No. Intrusive thoughts do not say anything bad about you. In fact, the reason they upset you so much is often because they go against the kind of mum you are and want to be.

4. Do intrusive thoughts mean I will act on them?

No. A thought is just a thought. It’s is not an intention or a desire. Having a scary thought doesn’t mean you want it to happen or that you will act on it.

5. What is the difference between intrusive thoughts and postpartum psychosis?

Intrusive thoughts are unwanted and upsetting thoughts that you recognise as scary. Postpartum psychosis can involve losing touch with reality, or hearing or seeing things others don’t.

6. How can I get help for intrusive thoughts after having a baby?

One of the best things you can do is acknowledge the thoughts instead of trying to push them away. Also, talk to someone you trust, such as your partner, a friend, another mum, your doctor, GP, midwife, health visitor, or a mental health professional. Remember, asking for help is a sign of strength.