Ivana Poku Thinking about bottle feeding – but feeling like it makes you a bad mum?
Don’t worry, this feling is more common that you may think.
No one tells you how bloody hard breastfeeding it is, do they?
When you’re pregnant, people ask you if you want to breastfeed or not.
But no one talks about the fact that it doesn’t happen naturally. That it is a skill that needs to be taught. (alongside many other things about motherhood people don’t talk about).
I still remember how much I struggled with getting my twins to latch on when they were born.
They stayed in the NICU, and I had the option – to stay with them until they were strong enough to go home, or go home and come visit them every day.
Mind you, staying in the hospital meant all four of us living in a small room the size of a shoebox with no window.
Being claustrophobic, you can imagine the panic I felt at the thought of staying there for the foreseeable future.
The midwife recommended that if I wanted to breastfeed, it would be advised to stay there so the babies could start latching on as soon as possible.
My instincts were screaming DON’T DO IT, but since I thought I’d be a bad mum and judged if I refused, I agreed.
Those two weeks at the NICU were the worst time of my life.
I would cry practically constantly, although only behind closed doors.
The babies didn’t want to latch, and I would torture myself day and night trying to get them to drink.
When the midwives saw it wasn’t happening, they advised offering a bottle, which I refused.
It simply wasn’t an option for me. I felt like I would fail my babies if I did.
One night, my husband woke up in the middle of the night and found me practising with one twin on my breast, while the other was crying, and I had tears streaming down my face.
He was begging me to stop and offer a bottle.
But I wouldn’t hear of it.
And even though practising breastfeeding was pure torture, in my mind, it was better than giving up.
So I kept going. At that point, I started having intrusive thoughts about hurting my kids.
But even that didn’t stop me. I just didn’t connect the dots. I was one big mess.
Hormones and emotions all over the place, mixed with a strong desire to turn back time.
The boys eventually started to latch and drink, but the price was just too high.
My mental health was damaged.
I didn’t produce enough milk, so we ended up doing combination feeding (not that it sat well with me, but at that point it was the only option — I couldn’t physically feed them until they were full).
After a few weeks (or was it months?), my instincts were telling me to stop breastfeeding altogether, but the guilt was still stronger.
I’ll never forget how I talked to a fellow mum of twins about it at the time, and she said there’s no such thing as not producing enough milk – that I just had to put them on more often.
You can imagine how that advice landed.
The feelings of failure were confirmed… I couldn’t give up. I just couldn’t. No matter the price.
And it was only after I hit rock bottom that I stopped.
I kept going for almost a year, during which I struggled with severe postpartum depression, suicidal thoughts, and thoughts about hurting my kids.
When I hit rock bottom, I just knew I needed to stop.
So I stopped.
And it was the most liberating feeling ever.
Sure, the guilt was there for a while, but it vanished into nothingness before I knew it.
And I could finally start enjoying my babies more.
So, my darling, I’m telling you with all my heart and love – if you are in a similar situation, if you are struggling to breastfeed and your gut is telling you to stop, please listen to it.
Stop torturing yourself right now.
We have our intuition for a reason, and it is never wrong.
Sure, if you struggle to breastfeed but your decision to keep going comes from a place of determination… if you simply want to have that experience, then go ahead. Get help and keep trying.
But if you are driven by guilt or shame, then you have to stop.
You simply have to.
Think about it this way – what is better for your baby: breastmilk or a happy, relaxed mum?
What good are you to your baby if you feel like a zombie?
I think it’s great if a mum can breastfeed, but it’s also great if she doesn’t.
There is no right or wrong. Only we put meaning to it.
If I could travel back in time, I would probably have given up after a week, two max. And I could have spent that time enjoying my babies rather than torturing myself and them. Because when you’re stressed and cry all the time, what impact do you think it has on your baby?
Remember: It’s not breastmilk they need the most. It’s your wellbeing.
So from mum to mum: make your wellbeing your priority.
Trust me, you (and your baby) will thank me later.
With all my love,
Ivana xx
