Ivana Poku You look at your phone to check the time.
Not because you don’t love your baby, but because it’s been a long morning and you’re already drained.
You guess it must be around lunchtime.
But when you look at the screen, you want to scream.
How is it only 10am?
The familiar dread fills your chest, and you start counting down the hours until bedtime.
And then the guilt follows.
“I should be enjoying my baby. What’s wrong with me?”
I know.
I’ve been there, and I know how horrible this feels.
On the one hand, your body is telling you it desperately needs a break. On the other, you feel like you’re not entitled to have one.
Now, what if I told you that this is how most mums of babies and toddlers feel?
I say most, because it depends so much on your child, your mental health, and the day itself. Some days fly by and you feel on top of the world. And then other days, you want to cry when you realise it’s only 10am and there’s still such a long way to go until bedtime.
Nobody warns you about this part before you have a baby.
The hours where the baby won’t settle, or your toddler is having their fourth meltdown, or you’re simply drained beyond belief.
So you’re counting down to bedtime. And the second you do, the guilt kicks in.
Don’t worry my lovely one, in this post, I’ll explain why you feel this way, why it’s completely normal and understandable, and – most importantly – that you are not alone.
If you’re new here, I’m Ivana – a mum of three boys (including twins), the founder of MumsJourney, and author of Motherhood: The Unspoken. I’m on a mission to create a world where mums feel seen and supported.
After having our twins in 2016, I had severe postnatal depression. It was the worst time of my life, but it also opened my eyes to how many mums struggle in silence. After I recovered, I started this blog so no mum ever has to feel alone again.
If you’re reading this counting down the hours right now, half-convinced you should be handling it better than you are – I made something for exactly this stage. The Newborn Survival Guide walks you through the exact steps that helped me get through those brutal early days.
You can grab it here.
Now, without further ado, let’s dive in.
A Little Backstory…
When our twins were babies, I was desperately counting down every single minute until bedtime. On most days, anyway.
My husband worked in London, so I was on my own with the two of them for about 10 hours a day. We’d just moved to a new town, so we had no friends or family nearby.
9am felt like 9am for an eternity. I’d feed one twin, wind him, settle him, and the other would already be crying for the same thing all over again.
There was no version of that day where I got to sit down for longer than it took one of them to notice I’d stopped moving.
I wasn’t just counting down to bedtime – I was counting down to every big milestone I thought would make things easier.
I was desperate for the three-month mark, because everyone kept telling me things get better then.
Then it became the four-month mark, then six months, then one year…
I spent so much time living in the future.
Many mums say that when they look back, they wish they’d enjoyed certain stages more.
I don’t feel that way.
Why?
I was really struggling. That’s a fact. How was I supposed to enjoy it when I was falling apart?
And that’s exactly what I want you to hear today: your feelings are valid.
If you’re struggling right now, that’s ok.
There is nothing wrong with wishing the time away.
It doesn’t make you:
- ungrateful
- a bad mum
- a bad person
Maybe you’ve had thoughts like:
- I should enjoy this more, everyone says it goes so fast.
- A good mum wouldn’t wish this away.
- I shouldn’t be counting the hours.
My darling, these thoughts are so common.
But they’re not true.
That’s the guilt talking, not the reality of what makes a good mum.
While we’re on the subject of guilt, see also my post How to put yourself first as a mum (without guilt).
Let’s Go a Little Deeper
That guilt doesn’t just appear out of nowhere.
A lot of the time, it comes from your childhood. Somewhere along the way, you learned that needing a break meant you weren’t good enough.
Maybe you grew up watching the grown-ups around you push through tiredness, without complaining. So you learned that struggling wasn’t ok.
Or maybe people called you “such a good girl” whenever you handled things without any fuss.
That little girl is still inside you and she’s still trying to prove she can cope.
But the truth is that she doesn’t need to prove anything.
She just needs someone to tell her: it’s ok for this to be hard.
I’ll be honest with you. A few days after I gave birth, I remember hearing that little girl inside me scream, What about me? Who’s going to look after me now?
Everyone kept checking on the babies, but almost no one was really checking on me. I felt alone and unseen.
So if that little girl inside you feels unseen right now, tell her something along the lines of:
“You don’t need to prove anything to anyone. You’re amazing and I’m here to prove it to you every single day.”
There are no objectively “right” things to say. The words have to resonate with you.
You may also like:Ā
- The 2am Google Searches Every New Mum Makes (And The Answers)
-
Postpartum Mental Health: Whatās Normal, Whatās Not, and When to Ask for Help
So How Do you Enjoy Your Child More? (And Can You Even?)
Now, as horrible as it may sound, you really don’t have to enjoy this stage.
It’s totally ok. You don’t enjoy every moment of anything, so why should motherhood be different?
So please, don’t force yourself to feel grateful every hour or even every day. The baby stage especially is often about pure survival.
Here are a few things you can try though:
- Be fully present for 10 minutes a day. Your children really don’t need every day to be magical. They only need around 10-20 minutes a day of your undivided attention. If you can give them that, brilliant!
- Lower the bar for what counts as “enjoying it.” If you enjoy their smile, or a giggle, a cuddle – it all matters and is more than enough. You don’t need to (and you physically can’t) feel joyful for eight hours straight.
- Get outside. A fresh air works like magic. Go for a walk, even if you don’t feel like it. It really helps to clear your mind and zoom out on your struggles.
- Find one person to talk to: honestly, without filter. It doesn’t matter if it’s someone you can see physically, or just speak to over the phone. As long as you speak. If you find speaking up hard, my “Say it for me” messages may help.
- Ask for help like it’s your job. If you have even the smallest bit of support available – a neighbour, a relative, a mums’ group nearby – grab it with both hands. If you don’t, create your own supportive community.Ā
This Too Shall Pass. I promise!
The hour-counting won’t last forever, even when it feels endless right now. (I know it does.)
Children really grow fast, and so does this stage of exhaustion.
Keep reminding yourself this is a season, not a life sentence.
I know it’s hard to believe that from where you’re sitting right now, especially if today has felt endless.
But it’s true for your family too, not just for other mums. This hard, clock-watching stage is just a chapter, and it will turn.
If part of you just needs proof of that, check out my book Motherhood – The Unspoken. It shares real stories from different first time mums, how they really felt behind the scenes, and what helped them cope.
Final Word
So remember my lovely: counting down the hours doesn’t mean you love your baby any less.
It means you’re a mum who’s carrying a LOT.
It’s completely fine if you focus on surviving this stage before you’ll enjoy it.
It won’t happen tomorrow but it will do sooner than you think.
In the meantime, here are a few posts that can help you make things a bit easier right now:
