How to Put Yourself First As a Mum (Without Guilt)

You know that moment.

You finally decide to do something just for yourself, without the children. Because you desperatly need it.

Maybe you go out for a night out. Maybe you go on a date. Or maybe you finally use that spa day gift card.

And before you even get the chance to enjoy it, the guilt kicks in.

You start to doubt whether you should even do it:

Maybe I should stay at home.
My kids will miss me.
A good mum stays at home with the kids

On top of that, your little cherub gives you puppy eyes and says in the cutest voice, “Don’t go, Mummy.”

That’s the last straw.

I know.

The gut-wrenching guilt is excruciating and utterly paralysing.

When it happens, you either do what you want and spend the whole time with guilt tapping you on the shoulder (so you don’t enjoy it and may as well have stayed at home), or you give in and don’t go at all.

At which point, you beat yourself up for not honouring your own needs.

It’s like you can’t win.

Well, don’t worry, my darling. I wrote this post because I know only too well how this feels – and, more importantly, how to finally start putting yourself first and stop guilt from running your life.

I’m Ivana Poku, a mum of three boys (including twins), the founder of MumsJourney, and the author of Motherhood: The Unspoken, on a mission to create a world where mums feel seen and supported.

In this post, I’ll cover:

What mum guilt is
Why you feel guilty for prioritising yourself
How you can finally put yourself first without guilt

Ready?

Let’s begin.

What Is Mum Guilt?

Let’s start here.

Mum guilt is that heavy, gnawing feeling in your chest that shows up the second you choose yourself. Or even when you think about choosing yourself.

For instance:

You book a massage and feel guilty for going before you even get in the car.
You go for a drink with a friend, and all you can think about is getting back home.
You sit down with your feet up, and guilt whispers in your ear, “Shouldn’t you be doing something productive right now?”
You’d love to go away for a weekend with your husband, but you dismiss the idea before you even suggest it to him.

It doesn’t matter that your kids are happy or how much you do for them.

As long as you aren’t being “perfect” for them all day, every day, mum guilt makes you feel like you’ve done something wrong.

It is quiet and creeps in disguised as a “should” :

I should be with my kids.
I should put their needs first.
A good mum wouldn’t do this.

Except, my darling, that voice is lying to you.

Mum guilt isn’t proof you’re doing something wrong.

Your brain has simply learned to confuse looking after yourself with abandoning them.

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Where Guilt Comes From

Now, here’s where it gets more interesting.

Where does guilt come from?

Why is it that some mums manage to look after their own needs with confidence, while others feel guilty for even going to the toilet alone?

Well, it all comes down to your relationship with yourself.

And yes, your childhood.

You see, we were all born believing we were enough. As a child, you loved everything about yourself and knew your worth. When you had a need, you made sure it was met. You accepted every part of who you were.

Then, as the years went by, you started listening to other people and adopted their opinions as your own.

You were like a sponge without a filter, so whatever other people said about you, you accepted as fact.

And over time, you started to believe it.

So, for instance, if your parents or the people around you constantly criticised you and made you believe that putting your own needs first is bad or selfish, that belief shows up as guilt whenever you want to do something for yourself.

That belief didn’t disappear when you grew up. It grew up with you, even if you’re not consciously aware of it.

It followed you into adulthood, into your relationships, and now into motherhood, where it’s louder than ever.

Because when you became a mum, you also inherited every belief you ever picked up about what a “good” woman or a “good” mum is supposed to look like.

And most of those beliefs never once mentioned looking after yourself.

Why You Feel Guilty for Putting Yourself First in Motherhood

Okay, so now you know where this feeling comes from.

But why does it feel so strong now that you’re a mum?

Here’s why:

Becoming a mum awakens your inner child.

Let me explain.

Your inner child is the little you inside you. The one who learned, somewhere along the way, that putting herself first was selfish or wrong.

You probably hadn’t thought much about her over the years. She was always trying to speak to you, but you’ve been suppressing her and keeping her quiet.

(By the way, this is what most people do and go through their whole lives without even realising it.)

Then you become a mum, and suddenly, your inner child is wide awake.

Why?

Because looking after your own child brings up everything about how you were looked after. Every feeling you had as a little girl – of needing something and not getting it, of feeling like you were “too much”, of learning to put others first -comes rushing back.

Not as memories, but as feelings.

You may have felt it after you gave birth, when suddenly everything was about the baby.

Personally, a few days after giving birth, I heard the little girl inside me screaming, What about me? Who’s going to look after me now?

So when your child looks at you with big eyes and says, “Don’t go, Mummy,” it’s not just tugging at your heart as a mum.

It’s also tugging at the little girl inside you.

The one who still believes, deep down, that she’s not allowed to put herself first.

That’s why the guilt feels so heavy.

It’s two people feeling it at once: you, the mum, and your inner child.

In other words, the guilt isn’t really about the date night or the spa day.

It’s your inner child, quietly saying, I don’t matter.

How You Can Finally Put Yourself First Without Guilt

So now you know where mum guilt comes from and why it’s so intense.

And the truth is, you can’t just think your way out of guilt.

You have to heal the wound that caused it in the first place.

And to do that, we need to go a little deeper.

Let’s talk about self-hate

I know self-hate is a big word, but stay with me.

Think about how you speak to yourself when you make a mistake.

Or when you want to do something for yourself.

You’re so selfish
You’re a bad mum
Your children deserve better
You’re useless

And so on.

Now imagine saying those words to a friend or to your own child.

You’d never do it, would you?

In fact, if you spoke to someone else the way you speak to yourself, many people would call it emotional abuse.

But somehow, you do it to yourself every single day, often on autopilot.

And whenever you speak to yourself, you are also speaking to your inner child.

So instead of giving her the love and nourishment she craves, you give her more criticism and shame.

No wonder you feel guilty for prioritising your needs.

So if you want to stop the guilt, you need to change the relationship you have with yourself first.

And that starts with your inner child.

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Build a relationship with your inner child

Believe it or not, the wounded little girl – your inner child – is still inside you.

She’s still the same worried, scared little girl who needs to be loved and seen.

And she’s desperately waiting for you to give her your attention.

So let’s start giving it to her now.

Here’s how:

1. Talk to her, and really listen

Close your eyes and picture yourself as a little girl.

Really see her:

Her face
Her hair
What she’s wearing
How she’s looking

Then gently ask her: What do you need?

Then listen to the answer. It may come in the form of actual words or simply a feeling.

Next, ask her: What do you want?

Whatever she needs or wants – whether it’s a hug, more attention, love, or anything else – give it to her.

This works even better with journalling, as it helps you dig deeper than your conscious mind alone can go.

Hold the question in your mind and see what comes up. Don’t edit or overthink it. Just write whatever comes to you.

Remember, no one will see this, so don’t filter yourself in any way.

2. Watch how you speak to yourself

Start paying attention to how you talk to yourself.

I bet you’ll be shocked to notice how many negative things you say to yourself every day.

It’s actually a good thing when you become aware of it, because only then can you start to change it.

Whenever you catch yourself thinking something like, “I’m so lazy,” or “I should be doing more,” stop yourself and reframe it into something more loving.

For instance, instead of “I’m so lazy,” you can change it to:

“I’m tired, and I’m allowed to rest.”

3. Check in with her every single day

Talk to your inner child daily.

Ask her what she wants. What would bring her joy today? A song? A walk? A fun game?

Your inner child craves fun, by the way! Let her answer, and fulfil her wish.

It doesn’t need to be anything “big” – and most likely, it won’t be. What matters is that you keep showing up for her, day after day.

This is how you start honouring your needs.

Here’s the part most mums never think about.

This isn’t just about you.

Because your child isn’t just watching what you do for them.

They’re also watching what you do for yourself.

Every time you cancel your plans because of guilt, you teach them that:

your needs come last
a woman disappears the moment she becomes a mother
Love means self-abandonment

And they will grow up and repeat it.

Not because you told them to, but because you showed them.

Children don’t learn from what we say, they learn from what we do.

So when you go for that massage, that date night, or that hour alone with a book, you’re not neglecting your child.

You’re teaching them and giving them one of the most amazing gifts there is: self-love.

You’re teaching them that mums are people too. That rest isn’t something you have to earn; it’s something you need. That putting yourself first can be good and healthy.

You’re breaking a cycle that’s probably been running in your family for generations.

And if you don’t, you’re quietly handing your child the exact same wound you’re trying to heal.

So ask yourself honestly: do you want your child to inherit your guilt, or your freedom?

Final Word

So my darling, I hope this post helped you understand you are not supposed to disappear just because you became a mum. Quite the opposite, this is the best time to look after yourself.

Your children don’t want a mother who sacrifices every single part of herself. They need a mother who shows them what it looks like to be human, to have needs, and to love herself too.

The guilt may not disappear overnight. But every time you choose yourself with love, you are rewriting the story.

You are teaching your child self love and self compassion.

And that is one of the greatest gifts you can give them.

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