Last Updated on September 20, 2026 by Ivana Poku
You look in the mirror and don’t know who you are anymore.
Everything that used to be you – your hobbies, your friendships, even your own name – somehow feel so far away.
Some days you love being a mum, but there are days (and it’s quite a few of them) when you’d give anything to turn back time.
If you’ve ever wondered “What is matrescence”, you’re in the right place.
Matrescence is a real thing, and when you understand why it’s happening, it gets much more manageable.
This post will help you understand it fully, and show you how to move through it.
But first, hello!
I’m Ivana, a mum of three boys (including twins), the founder of MumsJourney, and author of Motherhood: The Unspoken, on a mission to create a world where mums feel seen and supported.
In this post, I help you:
- understand exactly what matrescence means
- spot the signs you’re going through it right now
- find proven ways to manage it, so you feel like yourself again
Ready?
Let’s dive straight in.
What Is Matrescence? (The Meaning)
Matrescence is the psychological and emotional change a woman goes through when she becomes a mother.
When you’re pregnant, your body transforms over nine months, but your identity transforms too, and that part rarely gets talked about.
Coined by anthropologist Dana Raphael in the 1970s, the term describes exactly what you’re feeling – a genuine developmental stage, the same way adolescence is. (Hence matrescence.)
Becoming a mum changes more than your body. It changes who you are underneath it too.
In other words: you’re becoming someone new when you have a baby.
Like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly.
It doesn’t happen overnight, and it definitely isn’t pretty in the middle bit either.
That messy, in-between stage, when you’re not quite sure who you were and who you’re becoming, is matrescence.
Related posts:
- Postpartum Grief: Why You Miss Your Old Life After Having a Baby
- The Newborn Trenches: Why It’s So Hard (And When It Ends)
- A day in the life of a new mum (the parts no one shows you)
You Mourn The Old You
I think Natalie’s mum, Nina, described Matrescence perfectly in the movie ‘Look Both Ways’.
“Here’s this thing that happens when you get pregnant. No one talks about this. But you… you mourn a little bit.
You mourn, you know, the person that you used to be.
Because the fact is, no matter how much you wanna be a mom, you’re never not going to be one again.
Not to freak you… but it’s a huge brain adjustment.
You are letting go of your old self.”
If you haven’t seen it, please do.
Becoming a Mum Is a Process
As I am typing this, I still feel sad and kind of angry that no one tells new mums about this.
That no one told me about this!
It’s been 10 years now, but I still feel the daunting confusion I felt when our twins arrived. I couldn’t comprehend why I felt so sad and lonely, when I was expecting to feel ultimate joy, love, and happiness.
I felt so guilty and struggled in silence, that eventually escalated to postpartum depression (PPD).
Now I know that becoming a mum is a process, it doesn’t happen the moment you conceive or give birth.
That it takes time to spread your wings and fly.
And this process can come with all sorts of scary thoughts or feelings you were not prepared for.
Put simply, becoming a mum is not all sunshine and rainbows.
But since we don’t talk about this enough, when a new mum doesn’t beam with joy and happiness, she often feels guilty and struggles in silence.
This is a very dangerous place to be as it can lead to more serious problems, including mental health issues.
If you’re struggling to cope right now, grab these 27 affirmations for instant relief. They’re free and they’ll help you feel lighter in seconds.
Signs You’re Going Through Matrescence
Now, let’s take a look at how matrescence can look in real life:
- You miss your old life: You miss your freedom and who you were before baby, even if you wouldn’t trade them for anything.
- You feel like two different people: You feel the sense of almost split personality: the mum you are now and the woman you used to be. And you don’t belong fully to either.
- You cry: You feel deep sadness and cry, mostly alone.
- You have no interest in things you love: Everything that used to bring you joy now feels almost pointless.
- You feel a strange kind of grief: It’s a grief with no funeral, and nobody else seems to understand it.
- You have doubts and regrets: You find yourself questioning whether having a baby was the right decision.
If any (or all of them) sound like you, my lovely, now you know there’s nothing wrong with you.
You’re going through a grieving process.
Why No One Warns You About Matrescence
Now that you know matrescence isn’t rare, you’re probably asking: So why does no one talk about it?
And it’s a very fair question, I’ve asked myself MANY times.
Because we get baby showers, birth plans, breastfeeding classes, whole libraries on what to expect physically, but nothing about what to expect after the baby arrives. (Outside of how to change a nappy or bathe a baby.)
Every appointment after birth aslo checks on the baby. It’s always “how’s baby doing”, and very rarely “who are you now”.
Society loves to talk about “bouncing back,” getting your body back, your life back, your old self back. But (almost) nobody talks about growing forward instead.
Why? I have no idea.
But my best guess is that because becoming someone new doesn’t fit neatly into a before-and-after photo.
How to Navigate It
- Talk about how you’re feeling: The number one “mistake” most new mums make (myself included) is to bottle their feelings up. It’s understandable, because most don’t know their feelings are normal and to be expected. But you now know so please talk to someone you trust about how you feel. Speaking up is the single best thing you can do to feel lighter and more hopeful – now and in the future.
- Grieve your old life without guilt: You’re totally allowed to miss your freedom, your body, your old friendships, social life, even parts of your identity. Missing them doesn’t mean you don’t love your baby, you’re simply having natural feelings that come with becoming a mum.
- Spend time with other new mums: Talking to someone who is going through the same stage is priceless. They’re the only ones living it right now so make the most of it and talk to them openly about how you feel, share experience, and support each other through this stage. If there are no groups for new mums in your area, you can create your own mum community.
- Give yourself permission to change: You don’t have to go back to who you were before to feel like you again. You’ve grown into a new version of you multiple times in the past, and now you’re just growing into someone new again. That’s not the same as losing yourself.
- Be compassionate with yourself: Drop all the criticism and beating up, and show yourself nothing but kindness and compassion. Remember that anything you feel right now is normal and natural, and that many mums around the world feel the same way right now.
If you don’t know where to start, try these 27 powerful affirmations. I designed them specifically for this stage to help you feel lighter, and more positive for the future.
FAQs
Yes. It was coined by anthropologist Dana Raphael in the 1970s and has been used by psychologists and researchers ever since to describe the identity shift into motherhood.
There’s no fixed timeline. For some mums it eases within the first year, for others it continues to unfold well beyond that, especially with each new child or life stage.
No, and this difference is very important. Matrescence is a normal developmental transition, while postpartum depression is a mental health condition that needs proper support, and please speak to your GP if your low mood feels heavier than plain adjustment. I share PPD signs and symptoms in this post.
They’re very similar. Both involve huge hormonal shifts, a changing body, a wobbly sense of identity, and the discomfort of becoming someone new, just decades apart in your life.
Final Word
Matrescence is a natural stage a woman goes through when she becomes a mum.
You’re growing into a completely new version of yourself.
It can be a very confusing stage where you don’t feel like your old self anymore, but not like a mum yet either.
It’s a normal part of the same becoming, and it will pass.
Right now, give yourself time, grace, and trust that the woman on the other side of this is worth the wait.
If you have any questions, please drop them in the comments, I love to hear from my readers!
Your next read:
- The Real Reason New Mums Feel So Lonely (Even When You’re Not)
- Intrusive Thoughts After Having a Baby: Why Your Brain Does This
- When Do Babies Get Easier? The Honest Timeline (+ 7 Ways to Make It Easier Today)
- 41 Postpartum Affirmations for the Moments No One Warned You About (+ Free Printable)
- You’re Not the Same After Having a Baby (And That’s Okay)
- Postnatal Anxiety Explained: Why You Feel Constantly On Edge After Birth
- Are antenatal classes contributing to postnatal depression?
- Regretting Having a Baby? This Is More Common Than You Think
- 13 Life-Saving Tips to Cope With Postpartum Sleep Deprivation
- Becoming a mum is not a joyful experience
- New Mum Advice: 45+ Tips from Real Mums & Parenting Experts You’ll Actually Use
- The BEST Advice I Got As A New Mum
PhDr. Ivana Poku is the author of Motherhood – The Unspoken, an award-winning blogger and maternal mental health advocate. Through her work, she is on a mission to create a world where mums feel seen, heard and supported. Ivana is also a mum of three boys, including twins, and lives with her family in a small coastal town in Scotland.
