Ivana Poku A raw look at the loss of identity after becoming a mother – and how to find your way back.
Becoming a mum is meant to be one of the most beautiful moments of your life.
And it is, but it also kind of takes away a part of your identity – who you were before the baby.
It’s completely normal and expected to grieve the old version of yourself.
Because for many mums, motherhood doesn’t just add a new role, it replaces who they used to be.
If you’re reading this post, chances are you already feel like a stranger to yourself.
Maybe you lie awake at night staring at the ceiling, wondering, “Who even am I anymore?”
Or you feel trapped in the endless cycle of nappies, feeds, and sleepless nights, while your passions and sense of self slip through your fingers like sand.
This si very common and let’s be honest, it sucks.
And it’s ok to say it out loud.
The Invisible Crisis: Why Identity Loss Is Motherhood’s Dirty Secret
Here’s the sad truth: Society, the well-meaning antenatal classes, and even many parenting books barely mention the identity crisis that hits after birth.
They paint motherhood as a glowing, seamless transition – where the “you” just gets better, stronger, and filled with love and joy by default.
But what if the real story is a bit different?
What if becoming a mum means facing a shattering of your previous self: the version of you that knew your dreams, your quirks, your ambitions?
The truth is, it does.
And this identity crisis is far from just emotional fluff.
It’s a deep, seismic shift that shakes the very foundation of who you thought you were.
You might feel invisible, like you’re living someone else’s life.
The woman who loved to travel, party, or work late into the night might feel like a distant memory. And that loss can be terrifying.
When our twins were only a few days old, I remember sobbing, feeling invisible and like I didn’t matter anymore. Everything was about the babies, and it felt awful. And I felt awful for feeling awful about it.
My inner child awoke and screamed, “Who’s going to look after me now? Who’s going to chase monsters from underneath my bed?”
It was the loneliest experience I’ve ever had, and one I wish no one had to go through.
That’s exactly why I wrote this post: to help you see it’s completely normal and help you feel like YOU again as soon as possible.
Why People Don’t Talk About Identity Crisis In Motherhood?
Because it’s uncomfortable.
Because admitting you miss you can make you feel guilty, selfish, or even like a failure.
Because the cultural narrative insists that a “good mum” should live solely for her baby.
However, denying your identity doesn’t make you a good mum.
In fact, it’s one of the quickest ways to spiral into exhaustion, resentment, or even postnatal depression.
This silence around identity loss keeps so many mums isolated in their struggle, convinced that they’re failing at motherhood when they’re simply… well, mums.
The Dark Side of “Putting Baby First”
You’ve heard the phrase, right? “Put the baby first.”
It’s everywhere.
But here’s the truth: Putting baby first at the expense of your own identity is a trap.
When every waking moment is about someone else, when your dreams are permanently shelved, your friendships neglected, and your passions forgotten, you’re not thriving. You’re existing, you’re surviving.
And surviving is not what motherhood was supposed to be about.
You deserve more than just survival mode.
You deserve to enjoy your children, live your life, pursue your dreams, and feel truly alive.
How to Start Rebuilding You Without Feeling Guilty
Now, you don’t have to throw away your motherhood role to feel like you again. It’s about balance.
It’s about making space for both you and your child.
It’s not either, or. It’s and.
Here’s who to do it:
1. Acknowledge your loss
Naming your identity crisis out loud is powerful and feels like a huge relief.
It makes things less scary.
When you name what’s going on, you start to take back control instead of letting it swallow you whole.
It’s the first (and most important) step to healing and feeling more like yourself again.
So don’t hold back: own your story and take your power back.
2. Give yourself permission to grieve
Becoming a mother means saying goodbye to certain parts of your old self, and yes, some of those parts will never come back exactly the same.
It’s normal because no matter what happens in your life, you will never not be a mother again.
So it’s completely normal (and natural) to mourn those losses.
Grieving isn’t a sign of weakness or failure; it’s a sign of how deeply you’re feeling this life shift.
It’s an important part of healing and making space for your new identity to grow.
Allow yourself to feel that sadness, frustration, or even anger without judgement.
Recognise that this grief is a powerful step on the journey to finding yourself again: stronger, wiser, and more whole. You don’t have to rush it or pretend it’s all okay.
Honouring your grief means you’re being kind to yourself and giving your heart the time it needs to heal.
And in that space, you’ll start to discover who you are beyond motherhood: and that’s a beautiful thing.
3. Carve out “you” time – no excuses
Having ‘me time’ is essential, but you have to do it without feeling guilty.
So, look at it this way: by looking after yourself, you’re also looking after your baby. What your really baby needs most is a happy mum. And you won’t be one if you don’t take care of your own needs.
Just remember what you needed as a child. I remember feeling beaming happiness whenever I saw my parents happy, laughing, and relaxed. Those moments are the ones I treasure the most.
4. Build your mom village
Surround yourself with other mums who truly get it – the real, messy, beautiful parts of motherhood, not just the polished Instagram highlights.
I promise, other mums won’t judge you; instead, they’ll be ready and eager to share their own stories, struggles, and wins with you. When you connect with your tribe, you create a space where honesty and support thrive… a space where you (and other mums) feel seen, heard, and understood.
If you’re unsure how to find or build your community, check out this post for practical tips on how to build your mum village and start feeling that powerful connection today.
5. Focus on the small steps
Remember, it’s the small steps that make the biggest difference. We often don’t start a change because it feels overwhelming.
But if you break it down into small steps, it becomes much more manageable, and eventually, you’ll make that big change.
So don’t aim for a massive shift right away, focus on one small step you can take today. And tomorrow, take the next one.
Loss of Identity in Motherhood Is Real: Here’s How to Start Feeling Like YOU Again
Motherhood changes everything – and yes, it can feel like it steals your identity, but that part of you isn’t gone forever.
It’s waiting to be rediscovered, reshaped, and reclaimed.
You don’t have to choose between being a good mum and being you.
You deserve to live fully, to enjoy your children deeply while also chasing your dreams, nurturing your passions, and feeling alive in your own skin.
This journey back to yourself isn’t easy. It will take time, patience, and kindness towards yourself.
But every step you take to honour your needs, your grief, and your desires is a step toward healing.
So start now. Speak your truth. Find your tribe. Carve out your space. And remember: the woman you are, beyond motherhood, is still worthy and unbreakable.
With all my love,
Ivana xx
