Ivana Poku When does it get easier?
It’s probably one of the most asked questions amongst mums.
And the most common answer?
Never.
And whenever I hear someone say that, it makes me want to SCREAM.
Or when I see the Instagram reel that show a newborn stage with a caption, “I thought the baby stage was hard… but that was nothing compared to… ” Insert toddler stage. Or school age. Or teenagers. Take your pick.
Just typing that I feel my blood is starting to boil lol.
Because firstly, it’s not true. (More on that later).
And secondly, how on earth does that help the mum who is already drowning and looking for a bit of hope?
I’ve noticed more and more mums tossing the “never” answer around – either as a joke, or a quiet cry for help.
But here’s the problem.
The mums who are really struggling hear it.
And it doesn’t land as humour.
It lands as hopelessness.
It can make the weight they’re carrying feel even much heavier.
Or worse… push them closer to the edge.
So I decided to write this post to set the record straight.
And to give you a real, honest answer to the question we’re all secretly asking:
When does motherhood get easier?
First things first…
Let’s start here.
There is no “one size fits all” answer.
For some mums, motherhood may really never gets easier.
But it doesn’t mean that’s the case for every mum… including you.
After 10 years of being a mum – and mentoring many many mums – I’ve come to one clear conclusion:
Motherhood gets easier when you make it easier.
Bear with me, it gets better.
Why the newborn stage is hardest
If we’re speaking objectively, the newborn stage is often the hardest.
Not necessarily because of the practical care, but because of the shock to the system.
- Your life and identity changes overnight
- You’re exhausted and sleep deprived
- Your hormones are all over the place
- You have no time for you
- You give give give, without getting anything back (yet)
It’s a lot!
And – it’s also where the risk of depression or psychosis is highest.
No later stage carries quite the same biological and psychological intensity.
But here’s what happens.
Time passes, and our brains soften the memory.
We forget how bone deep the exhaustion felt.
Our minds naturally filter out the worst bits.
So when we hit a new challenge – tantrums, school struggles, teenage attitude – it feels like this must be the hardest stage.
Because it’s the one we’re currently in.
And it’s one of the reasons so many mums say motherhood never gets easier.
But that statement usually reflects their current feeling, not a fact.
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One mum’s experience is not universal truth
You also need to bear in mind that every mum’s experience (and personality) is different.
What breaks one mum, another may finds easy peasy.
What pushes one mum over the edge, another might barely notices.
When the twins were tiny, I was really struggling, but I would never tell another mum, “The toddler stage is hard.”
Because that was my experience – shaped by having twins, both boys, no nearby family support, and poor mental health at the time.
It was hard for me, it wasn’t a universal truth.
And this is where so many mums get discouraged.
They hear someone else’s personal story and see it as a fact.
But it’s never a fact, it’s always “just” one experience, one opinion.
Motherhood gets easier when you decide it does
I always say that motherhood gets easier as soon as you decide to make it easier.
I mean, when you look at your current situation, I’m sure you can see where you could do things differently… and better.
It might be:
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Getting more help with day-to-day tasks
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Hiring a cleaner
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Increasing childcare
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Seeing a therapist
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Stopping the chase for perfection
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Reaching out to a parenting expert
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etc.
I also know, all too well, that guilt and shame can get in the way of doing many of these things.
You feel like you should do it all yourself, otherwise, you’d be a bad mum.
You don’t allow yourself more breaks or more childcare (even if you crave it) because you feel guilty.
You don’t reach out to an expert because it feels expensive.
But often, these are just stories you tell yourself… stories you’ve learned to believe.
Change starts with your mindset
If you really want to make mum life easier, first and foremost, you need to realise that nothing on the outside needs to change.
It’s your mindset that needs to change.
For decades, I saw myself as a victim – and, like many, I wasn’t even aware of it.
I was convinced I had it harder than most mums, that I was powerless, and that there was nothing I could do to change it.
I thought it was my kids who needed to change.
It was only when I realised that it was actually the other way around that things started to shift for the better.
When I stopped operating from a victim mindset and took full responsibility for my life and my motherhood experience.
When I stopped blaming outside circumstances and finally sat in the driver’s seat.
Because, believe it or not, the way you experience motherhood depends on you.
Not your children. Not your partner. Not your family, friends, or mum groups.
Only you.
How to make motherhood easier
If you want motherhood to feel easier, here’s what you’ll do:
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Drop the complaining. Stop complaining about what’s hard, unfair, or wrong – once and for all.
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Identify your challenges. Ask yourself what you find most difficult and what you’d like to change. If there’s more than one thing, list them in order of priority, from most pressing to least.
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Visualise the ideal outcome. Next to each item, write down what your ideal situation would look like.
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Take one small step today. For each item, ask yourself: What can I do today to make this happen?
Please not it should be a small step. Nothing big or dramatic. Every big change happens in small steps.
For example: if you struggle with noisy children, the first step could be researching strategies online (ChatGPT is great for tips and ideas). If general tips don’t help, the next step could be reaching out to a parenting expert or joining a local mum group. And so on, until you find the solution.
This process pulls you out of the victim mindset and gives you your power back.
You’ll see that you don’t have to wait for motherhood to become easier on its own… you can take responsibility and make it easier right now.
Isn’t that amazing?
Personally, I find it incredibly frustrating when I feel powerless.
But the moment I step into the driver’s seat – however uncomfortable it is – that’s where true power and real change lie.
Final word
To sum it up, I will say it one more time: Motherhood gets easier as soon as you make it happen.
The power to shape your experience has always been yours – and it’s waiting for you to claim it.
For more tips on easuer mum life, check out these post:
