Ivana Poku I Didn’t Want to Be Here Anymore After Having a Baby
“I didn’t want to be here anymore after having a baby. I went to the darkest place I’ve ever been in my life.”
Kate Lawler recently opened up about her postnatal depression.
In a DailyMail article, she said: “The first year of motherhood was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and I didn’t enjoy every aspect of it. For a lot of those early newborn days, I was struggling every day. I had terrible thoughts about what I might do to myself and Noa.”
Reading her story immediately took me back to my own experience with postnatal depression. (You can read more about my journey in my book Motherhood – The Unspoken.)
It reminded me of the darkest and scariest moments of my life.
Moments when I felt like a failure, when all I wanted to do was cry.
Times when I longed for my old life back and envied everyone who didn’t have children.
Postnatal depression is real. Yet, sadly, most people have little or only surface-level knowledge about it—unless they’ve personally experienced it.
I was no exception.
Before I became a mum, I knew postnatal depression existed. I knew it could affect anyone.
I knew that 1 in 7 new mums experienced it, including celebrities. And yet, it all felt distant.
Logically, I knew it could happen to me.
Emotionally? My brain kept saying: “Nah, this doesn’t concern you. You’ll LOVE being a mum.”
Here’s the real issue: unrealistic expectations about motherhood and early motherhood feelings.
Most mums-to-be only understand postnatal depression on a theoretical level.
They have no idea what it really feels like, how to spot the symptoms, how to lower the risks, or how recovery looks.
Some even dismiss it as a “new age” disease.
(To which I always think: just because people didn’t talk about it doesn’t mean it didn’t exist.)
The good news? More women are talking openly about postnatal depression.
Celebrities like Adele, Alanis Morissette, Drew Barrymore, Gwyneth Paltrow, Celine Dion, Angelina Jolie, and recently Kate Lawler, have shared their experiences. Their honesty is incredibly brave.
Reading these stories reminds me of my own darkest moments, when I felt like I wasn’t enough and believed my family would be better off without me.
Every story like this reinforces how badly we need to break the stigma around postnatal mental health.
But here’s the truth: celebrity stories alone aren’t enough.
As much as I admire Kate and others for speaking out, I’m convinced that many parents reading their stories will sympathise but think: “This doesn’t concern me.”
Talking about postnatal depression, even by famous people, is not enough.
To truly break the stigma, it needs to become general knowledge that motherhood isn’t always joy and happiness, no matter what social media shows.
Future parents need to have clear expectations.
They need to know that feeling sad, regretful, desperate, or tearful is normal and common for a new mum.
I talk about life as a new mum here:
- Having a baby is not a joyful experience
- Are antenatal classes contributing to postnatal depression?
- 8 Motherhood facts every first time mum is shocked to disocver
Until it becomes general knowledge that becoming a mum is not all sunshine and rainbows, postnatal depression will continue to raise.
What are your thoughts?
Do you think celebrity stories help break the stigma?
Drop a comment below! xx
With love,
Ivana xx
