Ivana Poku I know … this might sound shocking at first.
A while ago, I shared on Instagram that I put my relationship with my husband before my kids.
And let me tell you, the comments went WILD.
I got everything from, “I’ll ALWAYS put my kids first!” to, “What kind of mum are you to say this?”
Ouch.
Of course it stung.
But here’s the thing: putting your relationship first doesn’t mean you love your kids any less.
Not even a tiny bit.
In fact, it’s the exact opposite.
Because when your relationship is strong, your kids benefit in ways that are hard to even put into words.
And in this post, I want to tell you why I do this, how it works, and why you might want to try it too.
Let’s start with the why.
1. Kids need a strong, solid base
Think of your relationship like the foundation of a house.
The kids are the walls, and the love you have for them is the decor and furniture.
If the foundation is shaky, the whole house will wobble.
But when kids see their parents connected and working as a team:
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They feel safe.
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They see what a healthy relationship looks like.
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They know that love can be steady, even when life gets messy.
I love this because it’s not just theory.
I’ve watched my twins notice how my husband and I support each other.
Even at almost 10, they pick up on the little things: us laughing together, hugging, supporting, kissing, checking in on each other.
And I can see it in their whole being how safe and settled they feel when they see us happy.
2. Putting kids first all the time can backfire
I used to be a full on kids first mum.
(I still am sometimes!)
Every spare ounce of energy went into my boys. I thought that was what love looked like.
And yes, I loved them to bits.
But over time, I realised something uncomfortable:
My “kids kids kids kids only” mindset wasn’t actually helping them.
In fact, I sensed there were moments when they felt… well, suffocated.
When kids become the centre of everything
When children are always prioritised above all else, they can:
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Feel responsible for your happiness
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Struggle with independence
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Feel pressure they never asked for
Kids don’t need to be the centre of the family. They need to be part of it.
And that part includes seeing their parents as people too.
Related posts:
- How To Keep Your Relationship Alive After Having a Baby
- People Judge Your Parenting? Here’s Why It’s Actually a Good Thing!
- The REAL Reason Motherhood Feels So Heavy (And How You Can Change It NOW)
3. It doesn’t mean less love for your kids
I want to be super clear here: putting your relationship first doesn’t mean neglecting your kids.
Far from it.
It means you’re showing up for them with a fuller cup.
When you make time for your partner:
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You feel more balanced
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You feel more like yourself
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Your kids witness love in action
Not just love directed at them, but love between adults.
And that matters a lot!
I personally love those small moments when my husband and I connect after bedtime.
We watch TV Shows, chat over a cup of tea, or just cuddle, sometimes go out for dinner.
And we laugh a lot.
(Humour is basically relationship glue.)
Making time for these moments make me a better wife and a better mum.
Practical ways to keep your relationship first
Now you may think, “Sounds lovely, but HOW?”
Here’s what’s actually works for us:
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Schedule regular date nights (even at home)
Sometimes it’s a fancy dinner out. Sometimes it’s pizza and a movie after the kids are asleep. Either way, it’s our time. -
Check in daily
Even 5 minutes of “How’s your day?” or “Need a hug?”. Small check ins prevent big disconnects. -
Share parenting duties
When both partners are involved, you have more energy for each other — and for yourself. -
Keep the humour alive
Laughing at the chaos of daily life keeps the connection alive. (I always say humour is magical!) -
Communicate openly
If something’s bothering you, say it. Bottling things up doesn’t make them disappear — it just makes them come out later, usually in an ugly way.
The long term payoff most parents don’t talk about
Here’s the thing I love most: one day, our kids will be adults.
They leave.
And if everything goes into the kids and nothing goes into the relationship,…
Suddenly, there’s nothing left in the middle.
By prioritising your relationship first, you and your partner will:
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Stay connected, even during stressful seasons
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Protect something that’s just yours
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Model a strong partnership that your kids will carry into their own lives
And honestly?
It makes parenting easier too.
When you’re united, you parent as a team.
Not two exhausted adults on opposite sides of the battlefield.
Final thoughts
Putting your relationship first isn’t “bad”.
It’s strategic.
It’s about giving your family a solid base, letting your kids see what healthy love looks like, and making sure that when they’re grown and doing their own thing, there’s still something strong holding the middle together.
And that’s beautiful.
So if you ever feel that guilty for choosing your partner, remember:
Your kids aren’t doing well despite you putting your relationship first — they’re doing well because of it.
See also:
- What Brooklyn Beckham Teaches Us About The Importance Of Raising Independent Kids
- 13 Signs You’re a Good Mum (Even When You Feel Like You’re Failing)
- Why Trying to Be a Perfect Parent Is Ruining Your Life (And How to Stop)
