I’ll never forget the moment when I was looking at my few days old children and tears were falling down my face.
However, it wasn’t the tears of joy, it was the tears of regret.
Regret that we’d wanted to have them and regret about my future.
It was a couple of days after Yaw and I had moved into the hospital. Nurses recommended this step as I’d wanted to breastfeed. During one week all four of us lived in a hospital room the size of a shoe box. I am always grateful that we had this option but it wasn’t easy to live like that.
In a real-time it wasn’t a long period of time, but for me, it was the longest week of my life. And one of the hardest ones.
I was looking at them as they were asleep and an intense desire for them not to exist took possession of my mind. Up until today, I get goosebumps when I remember what had been running through my mind at that moment. Why did we want them …? Why did they have to be born?