Ivana Poku When you become a mum, your life changes overnight.
It’s exhausting, confusing, and brutal.
Yet so often, people (including mums themselves) pretend like that’s not the case.
You’re expected to smile, “enjoy every moment,” and carry on as if your body and mind haven’t just been turned upside down.
But in reality, it’s not quite so simple.
Think about it:
Your body just birthed a new human.
Your hormones are all over the place.
Your life as you know it is gone.
Your emotions feel out of control (you can cry over cold coffee or dirty dishes).
And on top of it all, you’re looking after a tiny baby who completely depends on you.
That’s not something you can just “smile through.”
It takes time, patience, help, and a lot of love.
But here’s the problem: instead of helping, some people often make things harder (often without even meaning to, but still).
How?
With the things they say.
Quick comments.
“Helpful” advice.
Little questions that can feel like a punch in the stomach.
Because what new mums truly need is kindness and support.
Plenty of it.
In this post, I’m sharing 21 things you should never say to a new mum, and what you can say instead.
But, first, hello!
My name is Ivana, and I’m the founder of this blog MumsJourney – a blog dedicated to supporting mums through every stage of their motherhood journey. I’m also the author of Motherhood: The Unspoken and an award-winning maternal mental health advocate and mentor.
After giving birth to my twins in 2016, I experienced severe PPD. It was the hardest time of my life, but it also showed me how much there is to motherhood that people don’t talk about and how many mums don’t get the support they need.c
Since then, I’ve made it my mission to help other mums feel heard, supported, and less alone.
IN this post I share:
- 21 things you should never say to a new mum
- Why these words hurts
- What’s better to say instead (empowering, encouraging alternatives).
So, if you want to support a new mum, or if you are a new mum silently nodding along, here’s a list of things you should never say, and what to say instead.
1. “Are you breastfeeding?”
It might seem like small talk, but for many mums it’s a sensitive subject. Not everyone can, wants to, or should breastfeed.
Say instead: “How are you and the baby doing?”
2. “You look tired.”
No kidding, she hasn’t slept in days. She knows she’s tired. Pointing it out isn’t helpful.
Say instead: “You’re doing such a great job.”
3. “When are you having another one?”
She just gave birth. Let her breathe.
Say instead: Nothing. Unless she brings it up.
4. “My baby slept through the night at 6 weeks!”
Comparisons are cruel. Every baby is different.
Say instead: “Hang in there, sleepless nights don’t last forever.”
5. “You should…” (unsolicited advice)
New mums are bombarded with advice. It’s overwhelming.
Say instead: “Do you want me to share what worked for me, or just listen?”
6. “Are they a good baby?”
All babies cry and wake up. That doesn’t make them “bad.”
Say instead: “Your baby is adorable.” (even if they’re not)
7. “You still look pregnant.”
Her body just grew a human. Respect it.
Say instead: “You look lovely.”
8. “Enjoy every minute – they grow so fast.”
Yes, time flies, but telling a mum to enjoy sleepless nights and sore nipples is pressure she doesn’t need.
Say instead: “It’s tough sometimes, and that’s okay.”
9. “Are you going back to work? Isn’t that selfish?”
Work (or staying home) is a deeply personal choice. Don’t pile on guilt.
Say instead: “Whatever you choose, I know you’ll make the right decision for your family.”
10. “Just wait until…”
“Just wait until teething.”
“Just wait until they’re teenagers.”
Seriously, stop.
Say instead: “You’re doing an incredible job.”
11. “Why do you still look pregnant?”
Healing takes time. Comments on her body don’t help.
Say instead: “You’re glowing.”
12. “You’re going to spoil that baby.”
Holding or comforting your baby is not spoiling.
Say instead: “Your baby is lucky to have you.”
13. “You have to put tiredness to the back of your mind.”
As if exhaustion is something mums can just “ignore.”
Say instead: “You deserve a rest, can I help so you can nap?”
14. “You did it with drugs? I went natural.”
Labour is not a competition. Every birth story matters.
Say instead: “You did incredible, well done.”
15. “When will you get your body back?”
Her body never went anywhere. And it just did something miraculous.
Say instead: “You’re strong and amazing.”
16. “Isn’t it a waste of your education to stay home?”
Motherhood is not a waste. Ever.
Say instead: “Your child is lucky to have you.”
17. “Going back to work? How can you leave your baby?”
Ouch. Mums already wrestle with guilt, they don’t need more.
Say instead: “You’re making the best decision for your family.”
18. “Does the baby look like you? Not really…”
Appearance comparisons can cut deep.
Say instead: “What a beautiful baby.”
19. “Are they natural?” (for twins)
This one is shockingly common—and incredibly intrusive.
Say instead: “Twins! How wonderful.”
20. “Which one of you is the real mum?” (to same-sex parents)
Both are. Always.
Say instead: “Your family is beautiful.”
21. “What did you do all day?”
Keeping a tiny human alive is a full-time job.
Say instead: “You’ve worked so hard today—need a hand?”
A Better Way to Support New Mums
Here’s the truth: new mums don’t need criticism, comparisons, or unsolicited advice.
They need suport.
They need kindness.
They need encouragement, and a reminder that they are doing a fantastic job – because they are.
And if you’re the new mum reading this, nodding along and feeling the weight of it all, I’ve got something for you.
Download my free email course: “7 Days to Feeling Like YOU Again” below.
It’s a simple, practical, and insanely effective guide that will help you start feeling like YOU again after baby – starting today.
With love,
Ivana xx
