Ivana Poku Partner isn’t helping with the baby or house chores?
You’re not imagining it, and you’re definitely not the only one going through this.
You feel like you’re doing everything on your own – just trying to keep everyone fed, happy, and alive.
Your life has completely changed since your baby arrived.
One day, you were partying until 2am, and the next day, everything revolves around nappies, feeds, and sleepless nights.
You’re exhausted. Sleep deprived. Stressed. Overwhelmed.
And when you try to get your partner involved, it can feel like talking to a wall.
You’ve hinted, asked, maybe even argued.
But nothing seems to change.
You feel lonely, unheard, and frustrated.
If this sounds like you, know this: you. are not the only one going through this.
Many mums struggle with getting their husband or partner to help with a newborn – or with baby care in general.
The good news is that there is a fix – and it’s easier than you think.
I share it with you in this post.
But first, hello!
My name is Ivana, author of Motherhood – The Unspoken, and founder of MumsJourney – a blog dedicated to supporting mums through every stage of their motherhood journey. My mission is to stop mums from struggling and help them be the mums they want to be.
In this post, I share how to:
- Talk to your partner about baby care without fighting
- Understand each other and what you both need
- Help them feel confident with the baby
- Make your relationship stronger while taking care of a newborn
Ready?
Let’s get into it, one thing at a time.
Why your partner isn’t helping with the baby (he’s parenting too)
Before you get frustrated, it’s important to know something: your partner isn’t just “helping” – he’s learning to be a parent, just like you are.
When you say, “I need you to help,” it can feel like a chore to him.
But if you think of it as him learning his role as a parent, it makes things easier.
Yes, this includes night feeds, nappy (diaper) changes, and all the messy stuff.
At first, your husband or partner might feel unsure.
He might not know what to do or when to do it.
But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care.
So instead of thinking, “He’s not helping,” try thinking, “He’s learning to be a parent, just like me.”
Your partner needs time with the baby too.
It’s not just about helping you, it’s also about bonding with the baby and becoming confident in his new role.
Try to replace frustration with understanding.
It will make conversations about baby duties much lighter.
In my FREE email course, Postpartum Survival Toolkit, I share more simple ways to get more help with a newborn (without guilt) and feel truly seen & heard.
Does your relationship foundation affect baby help?
Before you try to get your partner more involved, it’s important to think about your relationship.
More precisely, about your relationship foundation.
Think of it like a house.
If the foundation is weak, no matter how nice the walls are, the house will have major problems.
Ask yourself:
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Do I feel supported in other parts of our relationship?
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Do we share the same values?
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Are other parts of our relationship healthy and happy?
If the answer is “no,” that might be why your husband doesn’t help with the baby or the house.
Sometimes, it’s about the bigger picture.
I’d strongly suggest you talk to a counsellor or relationship coach who will help you strengthen the foundation before you tackle parenting challenges.
If your foundation is strong, getting your partner involved is much easier.
You’re not just asking him to do tasks – you’re working as a team, helping each other, and growing together as parents.
You may also like:
- When Does Motherhood Get Easier? (The Honest Truth)
- Why I Put My Relationship BEFORE My Children (And Why That’s Actually Good for Them)
- Postnatal Rage: The Hidden Emotion No One Warned Me About
The secret to effective communication with your partner about baby duties
Many mums talk to their friends or family about their problems instead of talking to their partner – the person who’s concerned.
But if you want your partner to actually help with the baby, you need to talk to him directly.
Not during an argument, though!
The best conversations happen when everyone is calm.
If emotions are high, pause and get back to it when you’re both calm.
It takes time and practice to learn how to communicate effectively, but once you do – your relationship will flourish!
Here are 4 simple tips that can help.
1. No attacks, no blaming
When you attack or judge someone, they go on the defensive and stop listening.
(Just like you do when someone criticises you.)
The same thing happens with your partner.
Instead of saying things like:
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“You never help!”
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“You don’t understand!”
Say something that explains how you feel and what you need.
For example:
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“When you aren’t doing________, I feel tired and stressed. I’d really like it if you could ____ so that I can_______.”
This way, your partner doesn’t feel attacked, and is much more willing to listen to you and do what you want.
It might feel tricky at first, but staying calm and kind during these talks is crucial.
Focus on your feelings, not on what he is or isn’t doing.
2. Don’t assume or expect him to read your mind
Don’t expect your partner to know what you need without you saying it.
He can’t read your mind.
(Although wouldn’t that be nice?)
Many of us assume our husbands should just know what to do.
But they usually don’t realise until we tell them.
Also, don’t assume they should know.
Your partner isn’t you.
Something that feels obvious and logical to you might not be obvious to him.
And the same goes the other way around.
So instead of wasting energy blaming or complaining, tell him clearly what you need and why it matters to you.
3. Baby your partner
Sometimes your partner doesn’t help because he’s not sure what to do.
That’s normal and understandable.
And you can guide him without nagging.
This is called “babying your partner” in a nice way.
Here’s how:
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Show him what you need: Instead of just saying “do this,” gently show him how it’s done.
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Encourage small wins: When he does something for you, acknowledge it and thank him. This works like magic! When he sees you appreciate his effort, he will want to help more.
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Be patient: Remember, he’s learning just like you are.
Many mums don’t say thank you or praise their partners when they do something nice, and then wonder why their partner isn’t motivated to do more.
Sometimes we think, “He should do it automatically. I shouldn’t have to tell him,” or “Why should I thank him? It’s his job too.”
But it really comes down to basic kindness.
Saying thank you and showing appreciation is like watering a plant – it keeps your relationship alive and healthy.
If we stop appreciating each other, the relationship will die.
Healthy relationships need constant care, effort, and small acts of kindness to grow strong.
4. Truly listen to your partner
A lot of the time, when we talk to our partner, we’re just waiting for our turn to speak.
(Don’t worry, I’m guilty of that too.)
But if you really want him to help with the baby, you need to listen to him too.
Try this:
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Be quiet in your head: Stop thinking about what you’re going to say next.
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Let him speak: Hear what he’s trying to say without interrupting.
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Notice the details: Pay attention to why he’s doing things a certain way.
- Put yourself in his shoes: Try to see things from his point of view too
When you listen without judging, you understand him better.
And when he feels understood, he’s much happier to help – and go above and beyond for you.
Find baby care solutions together
The goal is simple: work as a team.
Here’s how:
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Share your idea: Tell your partner what you think would help.
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Ask for his idea: Listen to what he thinks would work.
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Agree together: Decide on a plan that works for both of you.
Sometimes it takes a few conversations to figure it out.
That’s totally normal!
Remember: you need help just as much as he needs to be involved.
You and your partner must find a solution together – it help you, your partner, and your baby.
Patience is key when your husband or partner doesn’t help
Of course, change won’t happen overnight.
If helping with the baby doesn’t come naturally to him, that’s okay.
You just need to:
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Stay calm
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Keep explaining things in different ways
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Appreciate small wins when he does something nice
If you tried everything and nothing helps, consider reaching out for help from a couples coach or communication expert.
Just like you wouldn’t ignore a toothache, don’t ignore problems in your relationship.
If your partner doesn’t want to go to a therapist, go on your own, learn what you can, and take action.
You have the power to start positive change.
Final word
To get your husband or partner to help with the baby, work together, talk calmly, and be patient.
Don’t nag or just complain.
Explain how you feel, try to understand his point of view, guide him gently, and celebrate every win.
You’ve got this, mama!
Which tip will you try first?
Comment below – I read every single one and love hearing your views!
Before you go, don’t forget to join my FREE 7-day email course and get simple, doable tips to get more help, feel truly seen, and make life with your newborn easier & more enjoyable.
Your next read:
- Ultimate Guide to Surviving the First 6 Months With a Newborn
- How To Keep Your Relationship Alive After Having a Baby
- Is It Normal To Feel Lonely As A New Mum?
- How to cope with postpartum sleep deprivation (without losing your mind)
FAQs
1. Why is my husband not helping with the newborn?
Many partners feel unsure about what to do with a newborn, especially in the early weeks when they’re learning to be dads too. They may worry about doing something wrong or feel like you are the expert. All you need to do now is communicate calmly and clearly, encourage him, and give them time to learn.
2. Is it normal for my partner not to help with the baby?
Yes, many couples go through this adjustment after a baby arrives. You both might have a different idea on how to parent and it’s not about who is right and who’s wrong – it’s about finding a solution that works for you both.
3. What should I do if my husband is not helping with the newborn or housework?
Start by having a calm conversation about how you feel and what kind of help you need. Often, we expect our husbands to know what to do, but they really can’t read our minds. So instead of blaming or complaining, explain exactly what you need – and why.
4. How do I ask my partner for help without starting an argument?
Choose a calm moment (don’t do this when emotions are heated) and explain how you feel, instead of focusing on what they are doing wrong. For example, say, “I feel stressed when I handle everything alone. Could you help with bath time tonight?” This makes your partner more likely to listen and do what you want.
5. How can I encourage my partner to bond with the baby?
Give your partner time alone with the baby. He can feed the baby, give them a bath, or take them for a walk. When he spends more time with the baby, he builds confidence and grows a stronger bond with them.
6. What if my partner still doesn’t help after we talk about it?
If talking doesn’t improve things, reach out to a relationship coach or therapist. A professional can help you understand each other better and find solutions that work for you both.
