I Was Feeling Constantly Guilty As a Mum – Until I Changed This

Ah, the mum guilt.

Whenever I run my events and ask mums what they struggle with the most right now, motherhood guilt comes up the most.

As a mum, you can feel guilty for almost everything:

When you go to work, when you put yourself first, when you go out, when you take them to nursery or school, when you snap, when you don’t give them all of your time, when you don’t cook perfect meals every night… we could go on forever.

It’s an extremely uncomfortable feeling, like someone is ripping your heart out and you’re just watching it happen.

Don’t worry mama, you’re not alone in feeling like this!

I’ve been where you are, and it took me years to take my power back and get mum guilt under control.

And in this post, I will show you how you can too!

I will cover:

• help you understand guilt
• where it comes from (this surprises most mums)
• how you can stop it

But first, hello.

I’m Ivana, the founder of MumsJourney – a blog dedicated to supporting mums through every stage of their motherhood journey. I’m also a mentor and author of Motherhood: The Unspoken, on a mission to help mums stop struggling in silence and feel truly happy (again).

If you’re feeling stuck in mum guilt, I suggest you grab my 19 magic affirmations that will calm your mind in seconds.

Is mum guilt normal?

Mum guilt – or guilt in general – is totally normal.

We are human, and guilt is one of the many emotions we all feel throughout our lives.

And sometimes, guilt can be a good thing.

For instance, if you make a genuine mistake or do something you later regret, it’s normal to feel that little pang of guilt, learn from it, and do better next time.

The problem is when guilt starts taking over your life – and your mental wellbeing.

When you feel bad for completely normal things, replay mistakes over and over in your head, or it keeps you awake at night.

That kind of guilt is not healthy.

And that’s the kind of mum guilt we’re going to talk about in this post.

Why so many mums feel guilty? (and what do we feel guilty for?)

Mums feel guilty for all sorts of things.

For example, when you:

• Go to work
• Do something just for you
• Don’t enjoy every moment (this is especially true for new mums)
• Take them to nursery or school
• Snap or raise your voice
• Are not with them all the time
• Don’t cook healthy meals every night
• Don’t make every day magical for them
• Spend more time with your husband or partner (if this is the case for you, I highly recommend you also read my post Why I put my relationship before my children.)

…to name just a few.

Sometimes it’s so sneaky that you feel it no matter what you do.

When you go to work (because you’re not with your children), and when you don’t go to work (because you’re not supporting your family financially).

It’s like you can’t win.

The crazy thing is that in the past, mum guilt wasn’t really a thing – or at least not to this extent.

Modern mums are under so much pressure to do everything “perfectly” and juggle more than is humanly possible.

Social media doesn’t make this any easier.

You constantly compare yourself to other mums and feel like you don’t measure up.

This pressure, fuelled by guilt, can lead to a lot of other problems – including problems with mental health.

My mum guilt was so intense it almost paralysed me

The turning point that helped me start seeing things differently

My husband spent years trying to show me that my approach wasn’t benefiting them or me. And I knew he was right, but the guilt was too strong, and I was willing to do anything to avoid it.

And then one day, when I saw how my son was pushing my boundaries again, it clicked.

And I realised how much I had been letting guilt lead the way.

I didn’t see how my desire to avoid guilt was impacting them.

I realised that by giving in to guilt and doing what they wanted, rather than what I knew in my heart was better for their future, I was:

• sabotaging their confidence and independence
• modelling guilt-driven behaviour for their future
• negatively impacting their confidence and resilience
• making my life much more difficult

I also realised that the real reason I would give in, or not be firmer when I needed to be, was because it triggered something deeper in me – my own unresolved childhood wounds.

For instance, when I saw them crying after I gave them consequences for their behaviour, instead of accepting that I can’t expect them to always be happy, I would feel overwhelmed.

Instead of seeing it as them testing boundaries and learning, my old wound would come alive, and I would feel the same pain I felt as a little girl when I felt unseen or abandoned.

I had believed I was causing them abandonment by being firm, even though I wasn’t.

My feelings of being unseen didn’t come from my parents setting boundaries or giving me consequences. They came from something completely different, and I had simply projected that onto my own children.

What made the biggest difference

It wasn’t easy, but admitting that they are not living my life and don’t have the same wounds and triggers as me was pivotal.

Also, when I started to focus on them and their future instead of avoiding my own discomfort, it helped massively.

Now I know that when kids cry because I’ve set a new rule they’re not happy about, it is expected.

I can’t expect them to be happy. They are simply testing how far they can push. I am not traumatising them or causing them any harm.

On the contrary, if I gave in, that would cause them much more problems later in life because I would teach them that when they cry or throw a tantrum, they can get away with anything.

If I didn’t look after myself, I would teach them that it’s not okay to look after your own needs and wellbeing.

If I never let them be bored or do things for themselves, I would damage their confidence and independence.

I remind myself of this every time guilt kicks in.

How do I stop mum guilt?

I hope my story itself helped you to look at mum guilt differently.

Here are the three steps that will help you stop guilt taking over your life:

1. Connect with your inner child

2. Make it about your children, not you

If you feel guilty about going to work, for instance, focus on what you are giving your children when you work.

This can be:

• teaching them independence
• showing them it’s okay to work AND be a great parent
• showing them what responsibility looks like

Whatever you feel guilty about, ask yourself what your children are getting from it and what would happen if you didn’t do what you feel guilty about.

Using the work example, if you didn’t work, this could result in:

• having less money for what you want
• them being less independent and resilient
• them feeling guilty and insecure in the future

If you feel guilty when you set firm boundaries, ask how it would impact them if they could do whatever they wanted and got away with it.

They could become spoiled children with no respect for others, no manners, and no kindness.

And when you feel guilty for making a genuine mistake, there’s a lot of positives there too.

You are teaching them:

• that making mistakes is okay
• that it’s ok to be imperfect
• that mistakes allows us to grow and learn

I go deeper into this in my post Are Your Parenting Mistakes Really Hurting Your Kids?

So even if it’s painful in the moment, focus on this vision.

I promise, it will give you the strength to keep going.

The goal is not to never feel guilt again. The goal is to not let it have power over you and not let it stop you from doing the right thing.

3. Realise that the only person who’s saying you did something wrong is you

We often say we feel pressure from society and social media.

But when you really think about it, no one says other mums do things better than you.

When you see a happy mum on social media who shares cooking healthy meals for her family, she’s not saying, “You are a bad mum if you don’t do the same.”

You add that part yourself.

We all do this unconsciously whenever we feel inadequate or fall into the comparison trap.

It really helps to realise that there isn’t any real pressure to do things a certain way.

You create that pressure yourself.

A loving reminder…

Being a mum is not easy at all and learning to navigate our own emotions and insecurities while raising happy, kind, confident children is one of the hardest parts of it.

But you are not alone on this!

Get together with other mums and share your experiences.

Having someone in your corner makes the process much easier.

If you don’t have a community in your area, create your own!

I share how you can do that in my post It takes a village: how to build your supportive community of mums.

Final word

Even though the term mum guilt is often linked to negative emotions, sometimes, guilt can be healthy.

It helps you reflect, and make better choices when you’ve genuinely done something wrong.

But when it starts to consume you or shows up even when you’re doing your best, it’s no longer helpful – it’s a signal that something deeper needs attention.

And when you understand that, everything shifts.

You stop seeing guilt as proof you’re failing, and start seeing it for what it is: a message.

Please know that  you’re an amazing mum and that you are doing MUCH better than you give yourself credit for.