Ivana Poku “I didn’t feel love when I first met my babies.”
It’s the sentence I never thought I’d say, and the truth I was terrified to admit.
Our twin boys were born via emergency C-section, and I couldn’t wait to meet them.
I had imagined that magical rush of love everyone promised: the fireworks, the tears of joy, the instant connection.
But when the moment came… I didn’t feel anything special.
No rush of love, no fireworks.
Just numbness.
I felt like a complete failure, like a horrible mother.
From that day on, every moment felt like another reminder that I was failing.
I had no idea what to do.
I didn’t feel like a mother.
Sometimes, I even regretted having children at all.
It was overwhelming beyond wordsm and before long, I was convinced my family would be better off without me.
I compared myself to every other mum I saw and felt utterly useless and hopeless.
I thought everyone else was having a great time with their baby, just not me.
There were moments I even wished I wouldn’t wake up.
The only person who knew how I felt was my husband, Yaw.
If it wasn’t for him, I don’t think I would still be here today.
From the rest of the world, I was hiding. I would post happy pictures on Instagram, pretending to be the joyful mum I thought I “should” be, but inside, I was screaming.
The First Shift in Postnatal Depression Recovery
When our twins were a few months old, I experienced my first shift, although I didn’t realise its importance right away.
During one of my lowest moments, my husband Yaw and I went out for a walk with the twins.
As I poured my heart out to him about how low I felt, he listened carefully and then said:
“You spend 12 hours a day alone with the twins while I’m at work. We live far from friends and family. We have colicky twins who scream and cry practically all the time. Of course you’re feeling low. How could you not?”
In that moment, it felt like a heavy weight lifted off my shoulders.
For the first time, I felt seen.
Instead of trying to cheer me up or “fix” me, Yaw let me feel what I was feeling.
He allowed me to feel my feelings.
For the first time since becoming a mum, I felt deep compassion towards myself.
Of course I’m not OK. How could I be?
This was incredibly liberating
The Day I Spoke Up and Started Healing
That day started like any other. My husband had gone to work, and I was home alone with the boys.
I was holding Henry in my lap, playing with him, when suddenly, a terrifying thought overtook me, a strong, uncontrollable urge to hurt him.
He wasn’t crying. He wasn’t misbehaving.
He was smiling. And yet, in that moment, I felt like I had no control over my own mind.
Panic washed over me. I strapped both boys into their bouncers, ran to my bedroom, and locked the door behind me.
I collapsed onto the bed, shaking and sobbing, feeling like I was losing my mind.
I wanted it all to end. I saw no way out. I was trapped, hopeless, and utterly broken.
I called my husband, tears streaming down my face.
He wanted to rush home, but my friend Lenka was due to visit any minute.
When she arrived, I wasn’t strong enough to hide anymore. I let it all out. I told her about the desperation, the hopelessness.
I told her how lost I felt, how I couldn’t see a way forward.
That conversation changed everything. Lenka listened. She didn’t judge. Even though she didn’t have children herself, she offered empathy, understanding, and support that I hadn’t expected.
This was beyond liberating. The weight I’d been carrying for months, the shame, the fear, the despair, lifted that day.
Once I broke the silence, everything began to shift.
That day marked the start of my journey back to myself and back to hope.
Gradually, I started to open up to more people, mostly other mums, and I was shocked to discover most of them felt just like I did.
Even those I had been jealous of for seeming to have it all together.
Suddenly, as I started to talk openly about my feelings, I heard from every direction: “Me too!”
This was one of the best medications I could have had: to see I wasn’t the only one feeling this way.
How Long Does Postnatal Depression Last?
I was shocked that no one had told me how it really feels to be a new mum, that it’s not all sunshine and rainbows.
If I had known, I wouldn’t have felt like a failure, I wouldn’t have struggled in silence, and I might have even avoided postnatal depression, or at least not let it escalate to the lengths it did.
I became determined to help other mums not feel the way I did.
I got antidepressants, which didn’t heal me but allowed me to function, so that I wouldn’t cry all the time or feel completely powerless.
I started my MumsJourney blog to help other mums see they are not alone and to talk about the truths of motherhood people don’t discuss.
This gave me purpose outside of motherhood. Suddenly, I wasn’t “just a mum.”
I began collecting real “behind the scenes” stories from other mums, where they bravely shared how they felt in the first weeks of motherhood, the challenges they faced, and what helped them.
I put them together in a book, released in 2019 under the title Motherhood – The Unspoken.
I started going to the gym and learning to put myself first, without guilt.
Every day, I would give myself more love and compassion.
And when the boys were around one years old, I started to feel like me again.
I started enjoying more time with the boys, especially as they grew and became more independent.
I began looking forward to the future again.
Today, even though we still have challenges, sometimes even bigger than before, I feel happy and alive.
I still have hard days (many of them!), but I wouldn’t trade my life for anything.
Can We Prevent Postnatal Depression?
I believe so, yes.
You see, wat too many new mums struggle in silence, and I am convinced that one of the main reasons is poor education about life after baby and postnatal mental health.
Most antenatal classes focus heavily on birth and offer only minimal, if any, information about what happens afterwards.
The environment and media have fed us the illusion that becoming a mother is the most wonderful time in a woman’s life.
While motherhood is amazing in many ways, it’s definitely not all sunshine and rainbows.
Adjusting to life with a newborn takes time, and the process can be physically and mentally challenging.
But because people don’t talk about it, when a new mum doesn’t radiate joy and happiness, she often feels like she’s failing and struggles in silence.
This is one of the fastest pathways to postnatal depression or other mental health issues.
I’m not a medical doctor, but from my own experience, I know this: if I had been better prepared and informed about life as a new mum and postnatal depression, it wouldn’t have been nearly as severe.
Maybe it wouldn’t have happened at all.
And that’s why we must start talking about it, openly, honestly, and without shame, about how it realy feels to be a new mum.
I created Happy Motherhood Journey to help new mums navigate life after birth, but this shouldn’t be optional.
It should be a standard part of every antenatal class.
Because when we give mums the knowledge, tools, and support they need, we don’t just prevent suffering – we help them feel seen, heard, and supported.
That’s why I speak up. That’s why I write, share, and support.
Because no mum should feel alone, broken, or afraid to say: “I’m not okay.”
Motherhood isn’t all sunshine and rainbows, but it shouldn’t be a secret.
Let’s start being honest, together.
With all my love,
Ivana xx
