Why New Mums Say “I’m Fine” When They’re Anything But

Why new mums pretend to be happy, while inside, they’re falling apart?

As a new mum, you’re thrown into a whole new world. A world that is much different than you had thought it would be.

Nothing is like you had expected.

You imagined those first days filled with blissful baby snuggles, love so powerful it would bring tears to your eyes, and endless joy that would make the sleepless nights worth it.

And while some of those moments may come, what many don’t tell you is how often they are overshadowed by anxiety, confusion, exhaustion, and even grief for your old life.

Suddenly, you’re holding a baby who is entirely dependent on you for everything, while you yourself are struggling to feel stable amidst the avalanche of changes in your body, your mind, and your life.

Your heart is meant to be full—but some days, it feels heavy.

Yet, when others see you, they smile and say, “You must be so happy!”

And you smile back.

But inside, there’s a little voice whispering, “I’m not.”

Not completely. Not all the time. And certainly not in the way everyone seems to expect.

But saying that out loud feels… wrong.

Like admitting that you’re anything less than ecstatic makes you a bad mum—or worse, a failure. So instead, you plaster on a smile, nod when people talk about the “joy of motherhood,” and tell yourself to just push through.

You pretend everything is okay, even when it’s not.

But why?

Why do we feel the need to wear this mask of happiness?

The Pressure to Be the “Happy Mum”

I recently came across an interview with an English psychologist who beautifully captured this issue. She highlighted two main reasons why so many mums hide their true feelings:

1. We don’t talk enough about mental health in everyday life.

2. New mums are expected to feel nothing but joy.

Think about it.

Everywhere you look—TV shows, Instagram posts, parenting magazines—you’re bombarded with images of glowing mums holding peaceful babies.

There’s soft lighting, matching outfits, and not a single trace of exhaustion or anxiety in sight.

Even well-meaning relatives chime in with stories of couples who waited years to have children and are now over-the-moon grateful.

And while these stories can be beautiful, they also build an unrealistic and dangerous picture: that motherhood is supposed to be the most magical, fulfilling, blissful time of your life. That if you feel anything less than overwhelmed with joy, you’re doing it wrong.

But here’s the truth most people don’t say out loud:

Motherhood is not always magical.

It’s raw, exhausting, and messy.

Yes, there are beautiful moments. But there are also days when you cry in the shower, stare blankly at the wall during a 3 a.m. feed, or wonder if you’re cut out for this.

There are moments when your body hurts, your thoughts race, and your emotions feel too heavy to carry.

And that doesn’t make you a bad mum. It makes you human.

Why the Silence Hurts

When you’re going through this and no one talks about it, it’s easy to believe you’re the only one struggling. And when you feel alone in your pain, the shame creeps in.

You tell yourself to pull it together. To be grateful. To not complain.

But bottling it up only makes things worse. It keeps you isolated. It keeps you stuck. And it makes you feel like you have to pretend.

Because “everyone else seems fine”… right?

But here’s the thing—they’re not. Not all the time. Not even most of the time.

What Happens When We Do Talk About It

Go ahead—ask a fellow mum how she really felt during the early days. You’ll likely hear something very different from the picture-perfect version.

When we begin to open up, we realise that many other women have cried, felt lost, struggled with breastfeeding, resented the lack of sleep, or questioned whether they were doing a good job.

In fact, when I started talking openly about my own experience with postnatal depression, something powerful happened: women started sharing their stories too.

They said, “I felt that way too.”
“I just didn’t know I could say it out loud.”
“Thank you for making me feel less alone.”

And it broke my heart to think of how many of us are quietly suffering behind a smile—when all we really need is someone to say, “Me too.”

So, What Can We Do?

We can start by talking.

We can choose honesty over perfection.

We can stop pretending—and start sharing.

We can gently take off the mask and say, “I’m not okay right now, and that’s okay.”

Start small. Tell a friend you trust. Share your truth with your partner. Message that mum you know who’s also going through it. You don’t have to share everything, just something.

Because every time one mum is brave enough to speak her truth, she makes it safer for others to do the same.

If You’re Struggling Right Now…

Please know this: you are not broken.

You are not a bad mum.

You are not ungrateful.

You are simply someone who is going through one of life’s biggest transitions. And it’s okay to feel lost in the process.

In fact, it’s completely normal.

And the best thing you can do—for yourself and for your baby—is to get the support you need.

Whether that means talking to someone, joining a group, seeing a professional, or even just admitting how you truly feel—it all matters.

You matter.

A Gentle Challenge for You

So today, I’d love for you to make a gentle promise to yourself:

1. To be more honest about how you feel—especially on the hard days.
2. To drop the “I’m fine” when you’re not.
3. To reach out to someone you trust, even just to say, “I’m struggling.”

I know it’s scary.

I know it feels easier to just keep smiling and pushing through.

But I promise you—letting someone in is the beginning of healing.

With love,

Ivana