Mums Deserve Compassion—Not Judgement

I recently read an interview with a psychologist talking about maternity, and it really got me thinking—especially about the whole issue of mum judgement.

The article focused on the ‘cry it out’ method and its potential negative effects on childhood psychological development.

One particular sentence stood out to me:

“Only a heartless parent can let a child cry out.”

While some psychologists support or recommend this method, I was struck by the boldness of this statement.

It got me thinking about how often we forget there are always two sides to every story.

The Pressure of Breastfeeding

Let’s take breastfeeding as an example.

“You’re the right mother if you breastfeed.”

“Never give up.”

“Your baby needs breastfeeding the most.”

Everywhere you look, it’s all about how magical breastfeeding is and how it can change your child’s life for the better.

For new mums, it can feel like they must breastfeed, or else they’re not a good mother.

But here’s the thing: the theory sounds great, but the reality can be very different.

And then there’s the added pressure of mum judgement.

My Struggles with My Twins

Personally, I spent the first months with my twins teetering on the edge of a mental breakdown.

The constant crying – in stereo – would only stop when they briefly fell asleep.

Soon, both boys developed colic that lasted for about six months.

They cried, screamed, and had difficulty sleeping.

Even after the colic subsided, sleep remained a challenge.

It took hours for them to fall asleep, and they woke up almost every hour.

Our nights became our nightmares.

My husband Yaw and I eventually split the twins up to make it manageable, but both of us were constantly sleep-deprived.

Our family helped when they could, but we didn’t have anyone available on a daily basis.

Yaw worked during the week, and I spent 12 hours a day alone with the kids, all while suffering from postpartum depression.

About seven months in, we knew that if things don’t change, we would go insane.

So I began researching methods to teach the boys how to sleep.

After reviewing various approaches, I came across the controlled crying method.

As I read about it, it seemed too harsh for me, so I decided to try other methods first.

But when none worked, I understood that we had to try the controlled crying method or a tragedy might happen.

We chose the 5-10-15 minute intervals, and let me tell you, those minutes felt like the longest of my life.

It was so hard.

I was emotionally drained and wanted to give up on the first day.

But my husband Yaw was there to support me, and together, we powered through.

It was incredibly tough—while the boys cried in one room, I cried in another.

But after just a few days, they were able to fall asleep on their own and, eventually, sleep through the night.

Mum Judgement and Misunderstanding

So, when I read an expert’s view labeling the cry-it-out method as “something only a heartless parent could do”, I felt completely misunderstood.

It made it seem like parents who use this method are selfish and just looking for an easy way out.

But that’s so far from the truth.

Many mums are simply trying to survive.

They’re mentally exhausted and may turn to this method out of sheer desperation, just to keep from breaking down.

What’s worse for the child: a few nights of crying or a mother who is on the verge of a breakdown?

The Reality of Parenting

Let’s be real: we all carry some kind of trauma from our childhoods.

While it’s true that letting a baby cry might affect them, as another expert put it, “There is no person in the world who wouldn’t carry some kind of trauma from their childhood.”

Parenting isn’t about being perfect—it’s about doing your best with what you have.

What may cause lifelong struggles for one child might leave no impact on another.

If a few nights of crying are the hardest thing your child experiences, you’re still doing great.

The Pressure to Be the ‘Perfect’ Mother

The constant pressure to do everything “right” as a mother is beyond overwhelming, and I know that from experience.

I eventually stopped feeling guilty about breastfeeding because I realised the most important thing was my mental health.

A happy, peaceful mum is far better for a child than one who is emotionally drained and constantly stressed.

We’re often told that we must breastfeed, must follow a strict set of rules, and must make sure everything is perfect for our babies.

But here’s the truth: there’s no one-size-fits-all guide to motherhood.

Every mum and every child is different. What works for one may not work for another.

Trust Your Instincts

Remember, no one else can truly understand your journey as a mother unless they’ve walked in your shoes.

That’s why you shouldn’t let others’ opinions dictate how you raise your children.

If you ever feel judged or criticized, keep in mind: those people don’t know what your day-to-day looks like.

They don’t understand the challenges you face.

And they don’t have the right to tell you how to parent.

What matters most is that you love your kids and you’re doing your absolute best for them.

And that makes you the best mum they could ever ask for.

So, the next time someone shares their opinion on motherhood, just remember: it’s just that.

An opinion.

A reflection of their own experiences, not yours.

One that has NOTHING to do with you.

Mum judgement doesn’t define your ability as a mother.

What truly matters is what you know in your heart — you’re doing the best you can, and that makes you an incredible mum.

Keep trusting yourself, because no one knows your journey better than you do.

With love,
Ivana xx