Ivana Poku Let’s just say it out loud.
Having a baby changes everything.
Your body.
Your sleep.
Your patience.
And yes… your relationship.
Not because you suddenly stopped caring about your partner.
But because you’re exhausted, overwhelmed, and barely have time to shower — let alone have a meaningful conversation.
If you’ve ever thought, “We feel more like teammates than a couple,” you’re not the only mum feeling like this.
You belong to the majority.
This post exists because new mums don’t need more “date night!” advice that ignores reality.
You need tools that work inside nap schedules, low energy, and mental overload.
Let’s talk about those.
First, a gentle truth (no guilt attached).
Your relationship doesn’t need more time right now.
It needs better use of the tiny moments you already have.
That’s the shift.
And it changes everything.
If you’re already feeling like you’re just trying to get through the day, join my FREE email course postpartum survival toolkit. I designed it for the messy, tired, emotional early motherhood days — when you don’t have the capacity to Google everything or “figure it out.”
Tool #1: 10-Minute Daily Reset for New Mums (No Deep Talks Needed)
This is not a “How was your day?” type of questions.
This is also not about problem solving.
It’s a reset.
How it works:
- Set a timer for 10 minutes
- Phones away
- Baby can be nearby (this is real life)
Each of you answers one question:
“What do you need more of from me this week?”
That’s it.
No defending.
No explaining.
No fixing.
Just listening.
Why this works:
Most resentment comes from unspoken needs, not lack of love.
Ten minutes keeps things from piling up into distance.
Tool #2: Energy Based Connection Table – Quality Time for Exhausted Parents
(Because “quality time” looks different now)
Instead of forcing dates when you’re drained, use this table based on energy levels, not time.
| Your Energy Level | What Connection Looks Like | Why It Works |
|---|---|---|
| Completely exhausted | Sitting together in silence | Presence without pressure |
| Low but functioning | One shared TV show episode | Shared experience |
| Medium | Tea + one real conversation ☕ | Emotional reconnection |
| High (rare but it does happen) | Walk, intimacy, or laughter | Deeper bonding |
You don’t need to “do more.”
You just need to match the moment you’re in.
Tool #3: The Weekly “Invisible Load” Swap to Avoid Resentment
Most arguments after baby aren’t about dishes.
Well they might on the surface, but in most cases they really come from the mental load.
Here’s a simple weekly exercise that avoids resentment spirals.
Do this once a week:
Each of you completes this sentence:
“One thing you do that I don’t see enough is…”
Then:
“One thing I’m carrying that I haven’t said out loud is…”
No arguing or justifying.
Just awareness.
When someone feels seen, they soften.
Always.
Related posts:
- Postnatal Rage: The Hidden Emotion No One Warned Me About
- Let’s Talk About Postpartum Grief: Why New Mums Miss Their Old Life
- Is It Normal To Regret Having a Baby?
Tool #4: Relationship Maintenance Table for Busy New Parents
(Think of it like baby care… but for you two)
This isn’t romance.
At least not directly.
This is maintenance — and that’s extremely important for your relationship to stay healthy.
| Area | Tiny Action | Frequency |
|---|---|---|
| Emotional | One honest check-in | Weekly |
| Physical | Non-sexual touch (hug, hand hold) | Daily |
| Appreciation | One “thank you for…” | Daily |
| Fun | One shared laugh | Weekly |
| Intimacy | Pressure-free closeness | When ready |
Relationships don’t die from lack of love.
They drift from lack of upkeep.
Tool #5: Using “We’re on the Same Team” Language After Baby
Words matter more when everyone is tired.
Try swapping this:
❌ “You never help.”
✅ “I need support right now.”
❌ “You don’t get it.”
✅ “I feel alone in this.”
❌ “Why are you like this?”
✅ “Can we figure this out together?”
It sounds small, but it’s not.
Language either builds safety, or distance.
When we’re tired or frustrated, we tend to snap, blame, and judge.
But it never resolves anything, it only adds fuel to the fire.
I mean, do you ever stop and self-reflect when someone tells you, “You are so selfish!”
I didn’t think so. You go into self defence mode and fight back.
That’s normal.
So, however hard it might be in the moment, try to focus on “I feel…” statements rather than judgement or attack.
(See also my post How to get your partner to help with the baby.)
And sometimes, before we can even choose better words with our partner, we need to calm what’s happening inside us first.
That’s why I created a list of 19 Magic affirmations for you — short and incredibly powerful phrases you can use when your thoughts are spiralling, you’re overstimulated, or you’re about to snap.
No toxic positivity, or “just be grateful” – but real magic words for real mums in real moments.
Why your goal isn’t to be the same couple as before kids
Many couples feel they should keep their relationship “back to how it was before kids”, which is often the thing that creates the most pain.
Because early motherhood isn’t a relationship problem.
It’s a survival phase.
Your nervous system is on high alert.
Your body is recovering.
Your brain is constantly scanning: Is the baby ok? Did they sleep? What’s next?
That’s not a season where romance naturally flows.
That’s a season where you’re just trying to keep everyone fed, rested, and emotionally intact — including yourself.
So when we focus on:
-
“Why don’t we talk like we used to?”
-
“Why don’t we feel close anymore?”
-
“Why aren’t we us?”
It can quietly turn into guilt and blame.
Or worse — the belief that something is wrong with your relationship.
Nothing is wrong.
You’re just in maintenance mode, not growth mode.
And that’s normal, even expected.
Right now, the real question isn’t: “How do we go back to who we were?”
It’s, What do we need to do to make sure we’re okay in this season too?
Okay looks like:
-
Less pressure
-
More grace
-
Fewer expectations
-
And a LOT more understanding
The temporary survival phase: protecting your relationship after baby
Connection during early motherhood isn’t about sparks and long talks.
It’s about safety.
About knowing you’re not alone in this.
About surviving the hard days without turning against each other.
And here’s the part I really want you to hear:
This is a stage.
A demanding one.
But not a permanent one.
As your baby grows, sleep improves, your nervous system settles, you get your time and energy back.
And when that happens, connection doesn’t need to be rebuilt from scratch.
It grows from the foundation you protected during the hardest part.
By caring for yourselves as well as your relationship.
Right now, you’re not losing each other.
You’re carrying something heavy together.
And that matters more than being “the same” ever did.
Extra support: communication tools for new parents
If you don’t know how to talk without it turning into tension, watch her FREE masterclass by communication doctor Dr. Melissa Cancel: 4 Beliefs that are slowly destroying your marriage – and exactly how to overcome them.
If you’re ever looking for deeper support in your relationship, I recommend Melissa with all my heart and soul.
My husband and I worked with her for almost a year, and I’m not exaggerating when I say she helped us build something even stronger than the honeymoon phase — a relationship grounded in real tools, emotional safety, and mutual understanding.
I don’t recommend coaches lightly as my work and reputation matter to me.
But Melissa is one of the few professionals I trust completely. She has years of education and real world experience in relationship communication, and her approach is practical, grounded, and realistic for parents.
You can start with her free masterclass here.
And if you decide to explore her services later, you can mention that you were referred by me to receive a discount.
Click here to visit her website, see her work and testimonials, and book a FREE discovery call.
(I may earn a commission at no extra cost to you, and I only ever share resources I truly believe in and have real experience with.)
A quick reminder before you close this tab
You don’t need to fix your relationship.
You need to protect it during a season that asks a lot from you.
This phase is intense.
It’s messy.
It’s temporary.
Strong relationships aren’t the ones that avoid strain.
They’re the ones that adapt with kindness.
And you’re already doing better than you think.
If this post helped, you might also like:
- Why New Mums Feel So Lonely (Even With Support)
- The Emotional Load No One Warns You About After Baby
You’re not failing.
You’re adjusting.
And that’s powerful.
FAQs: Surviving early motherhood without losing your relationship
My partner and I barely have time to talk. Are these tools really realistic?
Absolutely. Every tool in this post is designed for tiny windows of time. Ten minutes of focused listening or a shared laugh while the baby naps can make a bigger difference than an hour of distracted conversation. Survival mode is the stage — connection is about quality, not quantity.
Isn’t my relationship supposed to feel romantic right now?
Not necessarily. Early motherhood is a survival phase. Your nervous system, sleep, and energy are all adjusting. Connection right now is about safety, understanding, and being on the same team — not recreating your pre-baby honeymoon. Romance will naturally return once life becomes a little less chaotic.
What if my partner isn’t on board with these tools?
Start small. Pick one tool that feels doable for you — like the 10-Minute Daily Reset — and invite them gently. Often, just seeing that it’s about keeping you both sane rather than “fixing them” reduces resistance. Consistency matters more than perfection.
Will doing this really prevent arguments?
It won’t eliminate arguments — but it reduces their intensity and helps you both stay on the same team. Most conflicts come from unspoken needs and stress, not lack of love. Awareness, small gestures, and shared language stop resentment from piling up.
How long does this “survival phase” last?
Every family is different, but generally the first year is the most intense. Sleep improves, routines settle, and you’ll start finding energy for deeper connection. The key is protecting your relationship during this stage so it grows stronger, not weaker.
Can I get help if I feel completely stuck?
Yes! Resources like Dr Melissa Cancel’s free masterclass give practical steps for communication under pressure. And if you need more support, working with a coach like her can help you and your partner reconnect safely and realistically — without pressure to “be perfect.”
I feel guilty for not being the same couple we were before kids. Is that normal?
Completely normal. This isn’t about failure , it’s about adjustment. Your relationship is evolving, not ending. Caring for yourselves and your partnership during this season lays the foundation for a stronger, more resilient connection later.
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