8 Reasons You Don't Feel Connected to Your Baby in Pregnancy

Last Updated on August 17, 2026 by Ivana Poku

Let me ask you something, lovely one.

Do you put your hand on your bump and feel… nothing? (Or nothing special like you thought you would.)

Do you watch other pregnant women talk to their belly and wonder why you can’t do that?

Do you feel a bit like you’re carrying a stranger?

It’s such a strange feeling isn’t it?

I’ve been there too.

And let me tell you that if you don’t feel any bond with your baby in pregnancy, it’s totally okay! It’s normal and common.

Many mums to be feel exactly the same and say nothing about it – because it’s one of those things nobody talks about.

So let’s talk about it!

In this post I’ll explain to you why this happens, what it does and doesn’t mean, and when you can expect to start feeling the bond you want.

But first, hello! I’m Ivana – a mum of three boys (including twins) and author of Motherhood – The Unspoken, on a mission to create a world where mums feel seen and supported.

If this is your first pregnancy, make sure to also read my post First pregnancy guide: everything you need to know.

Let’s begin!

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I felt awkward talking to my bump

When I was pregnant with my twins, I didn’t feel pregnant at all.

Well, not mentally anyway.

I didn’t feel any special bond and when someone told me to talk to them, it felt awkward.

I just couldn’t do it, it felt so unnatural and weird!

I thought there was something wrong with me.

Over time, the bond started to appear, but it was on and off. Like a signal that keeps dropping out.

One moment, I’d be excited, the next numb.

And when I found out it was boys, I cried my eyes out! I always wanted girls so when the midwife told me it was boys, I was heartbroken.

And of course, I felt so guilty about it! What kind of mother am I? I thought. I have healthy twins, so why am I upset?

I didn’t know it back then, but now I know all of this is very common.

What you really need to hear

Yes, yes, not bonding with your baby in pregnancy is common and normal.

Which doesn’t make much sense, because everywhere you look, pregnancy is shown as this glowing, magical, deeply spiritual experience.

You see this in adverts all the time: A gorgeous woman in a fairy-like dress, holding her bump, smiling the smile of pure love and happiness.

And then there’s you.

Tired, sick, feeling ugly and scared.

And most of all – feeling absolutely nothing towards the baby.

So you assume something’s wrong with you or that you’re a bad mum.

Well, you’re not! The problem is the image, not you.

What we get wrong about bonding

Now, let’s talk about why the image is so unrealistic.

We’ve all been told that the second you see two lines on a test, or the second you hear a heartbeat, something clicks and you’re flooded with love.

For some women, that does happen, for sure.

But for a LOT of us, it doesn’t. Both are ok! It’s a relationship, and relationships take time to grow and develop.

Your relationship with your baby is no different.

Think about it this way: You wouldn’t expect to feel unshakeable love for someone you’ve never met, never seen, never spoken to, and know nothing about.

Yet that’s exactly what you expect from yourself. You’re asking to love a person you have never met.

Now you may think, “But that’s different, because my baby is my own DNA, it’s a part of me.”

But it really isn’t.

Just because your baby comes from you doesn’t automatically mean all your maternal instincts and bond will kick in right away.

It’s a process.

8 reasons you might not feel connected to your baby in pregnancy

Now, let’s break it down even further.

Because there’s often more than one reason why you don’t feel connected to your baby in pregnancy. Here are some of the common ones:

1. You’ve never actually met them

This is the biggest and simplest reason.

Right now your baby is a concept. A shape on a scan photo.

They’re real, but your brain doesn’t have much to work with yet.

I remember thinking: Are the babies really in there? I couldn’t comprehend that they would really come out one day and become actual babies.

For a lot of women, the bond arrives months after the baby arrives. This was the case for me too and I talk about it more in my book Motherhood – The Unspoken.

2. It’s your first baby and you can’t picture any of it

If it’s your first baby, you have no reference point.

You haven’t experienced holding your baby in your arms, and what it feels like.

So you’re not bonding with a baby, you’re bonding with an idea. And ideas are hard to love.

Second time round, it often feels different.

This was the case for me too!

With the twins, I felt no bond in pregnancy (and months after that), but with the third it was a completely different story.

I genuinely felt in love from the day I knew I was pregnant.

See? I was the same woman, but both my experiences were totally different.

And both were okay!

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3. You’re scared something will go wrong

If some part of you is frightened of losing the baby, your mind may (unconsciously) hold back.

You don’t want to get too attached, just in case.

You might not even realise you’re doing it.

But it’s your brain trying to soften a blow that may never come. In other words – it’s trying to protect you.

That’s not a lack of love, quite the opposite!

4. You’ve been through a loss before

If you’ve had

a miscarriage
a stillbirth
a long fertility struggle
or a difficult previous birth

It makes complete sense you don’t bond with your baby.

You know only too well that pregnancy doesn’t always end happy, so of course you’re guarding your heart!

Many mums say they only let themselves feel anything once they held a healthy baby.

Who can blame them?

5. Your pregnancy has been physically hard

It’s very difficult to feel warm towards someone who’s making you throw up six times a day.

When your body is having a horrible time, your feelings follow. You’re in pure survival mode.

Some mums even feel resentment towards the bump, and then feel guilty about it. If that’s you – it’s okay!

Becoming a mum is a massive change to your life, so it’s normal to have all sorts of conflicting feelings.

You don’t choose how you feel. Feelings are just signals that show you what you need in the moment.

Nothing more, nothing less.

6. The pregnancy wasn’t planned (or you have mixed feelings about it)

If:

your baby came at the wrong time
you’re not sure how you’ll cope financially
your relationship is shaky
you weren’t done with the life you had

You’re allowed to feel two things at once! You can want this baby and grieve your freedom.

You can love your baby and feel no bond with them.

It’s all normal human feelings of a woman who’s carrying a baby.

7. You might be struggling with your mental health

Prenatal depression is real, even though most people don’t talk about it.

It can show up in many different ways. But the most common one feels like someone quietly turned the volume down on your life.

You still live your life, you just don’t feel much underneath it. Like you’re just existing.

How to tell if it’s prenatal depression

Here’s a simple way to tell whether this is just a bonding thing or something more.

Ask yourself: is it only the baby I feel nothing about?

Or is it everything?

Think about the last time you:

ate your favourite dinner
heard a song you love
or got a message from your best friend

Did any of it make you feel anything?

If it did, the bump is the only flat spot in your life. Which means you’re simply a woman who hasn’t met her baby yet.

But if nothing at all has reached you for weeks, that’s your mind asking for help.

And I know this because it happened to me.

I didn’t realise it at the time, but I struggled with prenatal depression too.

I felt like the babies were running my life or like they came between me and my husband.

At times, I’d second guess whether having babies was even a good idea. Or I’d think they deserved a better mum than me.

I felt awful about it, but now I know I had nothing to feel ashamed about.

And neither do you!

8. You’re just not a bump person

And maybe it’s way simpler than that – and you’re just not a bump person!

Some women really don’t enjoy talking to a belly or playing music to them.

And that’s fine!

It says nothing whatsoever about the mother (or person) you are.

What helps to cope

Now, let me be clear: if not bonding with your baby doesn’t bother you, you do not need to do anything about it.

However, if it worries you, here are a few things that can help:

1. Stop measuring yourself against other pregnant women

Especially online! Social media shows you the five minutes where a woman felt something beautiful.

But it doesn’t show the other twenty-three hours and 55 minutes.

Comparison is a lost battle.

It will make you feel inadequate faster than the speed of light.

So please mute all the accounts that do this to you – or take what you see with a pinch of salt.

2. Say it out loud to one safe person

Problems thrive in silence, so speak to someone about how you feel.

It can be your partner, your best friend, your sister, your doctor – anyone you trust and you know will support you.

What happens is one of two things. Either they say “oh my God, me too!”

Or they tell you it sounds completely normal.

Both help a lot!

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3. Give the baby a small bit of realness

Sometimes the bond comes from making the baby less abstract.

Look at the scan photo differently, use a nickname for the bump, or anything that will help you make them more real.

And if it doesn’t change anything? That’s fine too!

You’ve tried but you’re just not ready yet. Don’t force it, the bond will come.

4. Get honest about the fear underneath

There might be an underlying reason behind how you feel. And no one says you need to dig it out.

But if you feel like it, ask yourself: Am I holding back because I’m scared? Scared of:

loss
birth
not coping
how my life will change

When you understand the fear, it can take a big amount of power out of it.

So when will I feel it?

I’m sure you wonder when you can expect the bond to arrive.

And I really wish I could give you a date. But I can’t – nobody can.

Some women start to feel the bond later in pregnancy – often after the 20-week scan, or when the kicks get strong enough to feel like the baby is real.

Some women feel it in the first few days after birth.

And plenty of us don’t feel it for weeks or months after that.

I can’t tell you what it will be like for you, but what I can tell you is that all three are normal and don’t predict the mother you’ll be.

But what if I don’t bond after birth either?

Now, let’s talk about the scenario where you don’t bond with the baby even after birth.

Believe it or not – this happens tmore often than anyone admits.

Sure, for some mums the love does arrive the moment they see their baby. (Although I have to mention I haven’t met many of them.)

For plenty of others – myself included – it doesn’t.

Many new mums look at their newborn and feel nothing. There are no fireworks or rush of love they were promised. And yet they end up hopelessly in love with their child eventually.

It can take days, weeks, or even months. There is no timeline for falling in love. Not in life, and not in motherhood either.

Bonding after birth builds over time – while you’re too tired to notice it happening.

And when it does – oh boy. You won’t understand how you could ever live without them. And that’s when you’ll know you’re a mother.

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When to ask for extra help

Ok, so now you understand that feeling disconnected from your baby is normal. But please speak to your midwife, doctor, or health visitor if you:

feel low or tearful most days, for more than two weeks
can’t enjoy anything at all (not just the pregnancy)
feel constant dread or panic
feel detached from your own body or life
have thoughts of harming yourself

None of that means you’re failing or that you’re a bad mum.

It means you need some extra support, exactly the same way you’d need support for high blood pressure or anaemia.

Ask for it before it escalates to something more serious. (And trust me, it can.)

Final Word

And that’s all, lovely one. I hope this post made you feel less alone and helped you understand why you don’t feel the special bond you thought you would at this stage.

Remember it’s just information about where you are right now:

tired
scared
overwhelmed
protecting yourself
or simply waiting to meet the baby

Love isn’t a test you need to pass by a deadline. It builds slowly, out of a thousand ordinary moments.

So stop checking your feelings and instead look after yourself. The connection will come at the right time.

I promise you that one day, you’ll look at your child and won’t be able to remember what it felt like to not love them.

If you’d like more support on preparing for life as a new mum, check out my course Becoming a mum.

Inside, I share everything about life after the baby arrives: what to expect, what mistakes to avoid, how to protect your mental health, and MUCH more.

If you have any questions, please drop them in the comments or email me at ivana.poku@mumsjourney.com. I LOVE to hear from my readers. 🙂

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Ivana Poku

PhDr. Ivana Poku is the author of Motherhood – The Unspoken, an award-winning blogger and maternal mental health advocate. Through her work, she is on a mission to create a world where mums feel seen, heard and supported. Ivana is also a mum of three boys, including twins, and lives with her family in a small coastal town in Scotland.

8 Reasons You Don’t Feel Connected to Your Baby in Pregnancy (You’re Not Broken)

I felt awkward talking to my bump

What you really need to hear

What we get wrong about bonding