Ivana Poku After having twins in 2016, I struggled with severe postnatal depression (PND).
I struggled to connect with motherhood—I didn’t feel like a mum, couldn’t find joy in it, and wished desperately to go back in time. I felt isolated, trapped in my own life, and unable to see any light at the end of the tunnel.
It was the hardest experience of my life, one I wouldn’t wish on anyone. But, thankfully, I eventually found my way through it. I share my full postnatal depression story in my book Motherhood – the Unspoken.
Though those feelings of hopelessness are now just memories, they remain an inseparable part of me.
Sometimes, I wonder: if I could speak to my past self, the one lost in the depths of PND, what would I tell her?
So, I wrote her a letter.
And today, I invite you to read that letter.
Dear Ivana
I know you feel overwhelmed with everything that is going on right now.
You could not wait to have your babies and now that they are here, you are not sure that it is what you wanted.
I know you are astonished by your own feelings and emotions.
I know you don’t feel the love you expected to be feeling.
I know you doubt your decision about having children.
I know you desperately want your life back.
I know you feel stuck.
And I know that you feel incredibly guilty for feeling this way.
Now, but please stop for a moment and realise that you’re just going through the biggest change in your life.
Everything you feel is therefore totally normal.
Yes, even the thoughts that run through your head – regardless of how scary they are.
A lot of new mums have felt the same way you feel now and today they can’t and don’t even want to imagine their lives without their kids.
Believe me, it’s a beautiful change.
Everything you feel today is only temporary, and soon you WILL enjoy motherhood like you wanted.
Don’t be so hard on yourself and give it some time.
Becoming a mum is a process.
What I want you to do now – no matter how difficult it is, please start talking about your feelings to your loved ones.
Ideally to someone who has already been through this too.
When you open up, everything will suddenly become more bearable.
In addition, you will start receiving support from every direction – even some from where you wouldn’t expect it at all!
Suddenly, you realise how much love you are surrounded by.
It’s a beautiful feeling!
I know you’re feeling guilty mainly because you don’t feel you love your children the way you “should.”
But trust me, that feeling WILL come.
Many new mums feel like this in the beginning.
If you don’t believe me, ask them, you will be surprised.
It’s true that we often hear about mothers as they swell with happiness, with love for their children.
We rarely hear about how it feels in the first weeks and months of motherhood.
Maternal instinct is not something that develops overnight.
It is a process that develops.
You fully realise you’re a mum only about 8 months into motherhood.
That’s when your maternal instinct becomes steady and with it everything you’re missing now.
Responsibility for other human beings, unconditinal love, a new level of happiness, and new values, to name but a few!
Everything will be transforming in you gradually and naturally.
You need to realise that having a baby is a shock to the whole system, to your body and mind.
Remember how you felt when you changed school or moved from your parent’s nest.
You thought you’d never get used to it and look at it today – was it a bad change?
Is there anything you’d have done differently today?
No.
It’s going to be the same this time around too.
Except this change is x-times greater than any other.
The adjusting is, therefore, longer too.
But I promise you that very soon you’ll be happier than ever before!
People around you will be joking that you can forget about your life and free time, but don’t forget they are just joking.
Jokes are jokes because they are based on absurdity.
You’ll see that gradually you’ll have time and space for everything you want to do.
This foe for your relationship with Yaw too.
I know you’re worried that kids will affect your relationship, but there’s absolutely nothing to worry about.
Your relationship will move to a new, beautiful level that you’ll both truly enjoy.
Little by little you will be fulfilled with love you had no idea existed within you.
It will fill you from the top of your head down to your toes, it will run through every single fibre and dance through every cell of your body.
A pure, unconditional love that will come back to you multiplied.
Suddenly you’ll feel happy doing activities you haven’t found interesting before – and many things you have considered interesting will suddenly lose their magic.
The benefits you get as a mother will outweigh everything ‘bad’.
Look around and you’ll see that mums voluntarily decide to have more than one child.
Would they do so if it was that terrible?
Believe me, you won’t lose your life, you’ll fulfill it!
It will be very difficult for some time, but only temporarily while the kids are little.
Each month they will make new progress that will slowly lead to their independence.
Every new progress will bring a new light into your life.
When they laugh, hug you, talk to you, and show you their love – you will not understand how you could ever exist without them.
That is when you’ll know that you’re a Mother.
Said by your husband’s words – this is not the end, this is just the beginning.
And so it is.
Your future Me xxx
PS. If you want to read my full postnatal depression story and how I managed to pull through, I invite you to check out my book Motherhood – The Unspoken.
