A Letter to Myself During Postnatal Depression (And What I Want Every Struggling Mum to Know)

Dear Ivana

I know you feel overwhelmed with everything that is going on right now.

You could not wait to have your babies and now that they are here, you are not sure that it is what you wanted.

I know you are astonished by your own feelings and emotions…

That you don’t feel the love you expected to be feeling…

That you doubt your decision about having children and desperately want your life back…

I know you feel stuck.

And I know that you feel guilty for feeling this way.

Now, but please stop for a moment and realise that you’re just going through the biggest change in your life.

Everything you feel is therefore totally normal.

Yes, even the thoughts that run through your head – regardless of how scary they are.

A lot of new mums have felt the same way you feel now and today they can’t and don’t even want to imagine their lives without their kids.

Believe me, it’s a beautiful change.

Everything you feel today is only temporary, and soon you WILL enjoy motherhood like you wanted.

Don’t be so hard on yourself and give it some time.

Becoming a mum is a process.

What I want you to do now – no matter how difficult it is, please start talking about your feelings to your loved ones.

Ideally to someone who has already been through this too.

When you open up, everything will suddenly become more bearable.

In addition, you will start receiving support from every direction – even some from where you wouldn’t expect it at all!

Suddenly, you realise how much love you are surrounded by.

It’s a beautiful feeling!

I know you’re feeling guilty mainly because you don’t feel you love your children the way you “should.”

But trust me, that feeling WILL come.

Many new mums feel like this in the beginning.

If you don’t believe me, ask them, you will be surprised.

It’s true that we often hear about mothers as they swell with happiness, with love for their children.

We rarely hear about how it feels in the first weeks and months of motherhood.

Maternal instinct is not something that develops overnight.

It is a process that develops.

You fully realise you’re a mum only about 8 months into motherhood.

That’s when your maternal instinct becomes steady and with it everything you’re missing now.

Responsibility for other human beings, unconditional love, a new level of happiness, and new values, to name a few!

Everything will transform gradually and naturally.

You need to realise that having a baby is a shock to the whole system, to your body and mind.

Remember how you felt when you changed schools or moved from your parent’s nest.

You thought you’d never get used to it and look at it today – was it a bad change?

Is there anything you would have done differently today?

No.

It’s going to be the same this time around too.

Except this change is x-times greater than any other.

The adjusting is, therefore, longer too.

But I promise you that very soon you’ll be happier than ever before! 

People around you will be joking that you can forget about your life and free time, but don’t forget they are just joking.

Jokes are jokes because they are based on absurdity.

You’ll see that gradually you’ll have time and space for everything you want to do.

This goes for your relationship with your husband Yaw too.

I know you’re worried that kids will affect your relationship, but there’s absolutely nothing to worry about.

Your relationship will move to a new, beautiful level that you’ll both truly enjoy.

Little by little you will be fulfilled with love you had no idea existed within you.

It will fill you from the top of your head down to your toes, it will run through every single fibre and dance through every cell of your body.

A pure, unconditional love that will come back to you multiplied.

Suddenly you’ll feel happy doing activities you haven’t found interesting before – and many things you have considered interesting will suddenly lose their magic. 

The benefits you get as a mother will outweigh everything ‘bad’.

Look around and you’ll see that mums voluntarily decide to have more than one child.

Would they do so if it was that terrible?

Believe me, you won’t lose your life, you’ll fulfill it! 

It will be very difficult for some time, but only temporarily while the kids are little.

Each month they will make new progress that will slowly lead to their independence.

Every new progress will bring a new light into your life.

When they laugh, hug you, talk to you, and show you their love – you will not understand how you could ever exist without them.

That is when you’ll know that you’re a Mother.

Said by your husband’s words – this is not the end, this is just the beginning.

And so it is.

Your future Self xxx 

You are not alone, mama

If this letter hit home, please know you are not alone in the way you feel.

While I was deep in depression, I was convinced I was the only one feeling the way I did.

How wrong was I!

Postnatal depression is much more common than th offocial statistics say, becasue there are many more cases )myself included) that have never been reported.

So please, nkow you are never, ever along in this.

You have many people who love you and look after you and aree ready to help and support you in any way you can.

Let them.

What helped me get through postnatal depression

I talk more about how I pulled through postnatal depression in my book Motherhood – The Unspoken, but here are the main things that helped me:

1. Talking

When I stopped hiding and finally spoke up about how I really felt, it made all the difference in the world.

Not only it was a HUGE relief, but it also showed me I wasn’t alone!

This was no doubt the best medicine.

2. Antidepressants

Antidepressants don’t heal you but they help you function and take steps towards recovery.

In the most severe cases of depression, they can even save your life!

3. Community

Asking and getting help, and having someone to talk to who understands, is life changing.

We all need it at any stage of motherhood.

It helps recover from and prevent severe mental health issues.

4. Finding my purpose outside of motherhood

Starting this blog was also a big XXXX for me.

It turned my pain into new purpose and passion.

I was determined to help all mums out there so that they never have to feel like I did.

Sometimes I only had time to write at night, but I still did. And I loved it!

I felt better than I would after having a 8 night sleep.

So finding your passion outside of motherhood – or turning your current problems into a purpose – is extremely powerful.

When to speak to someone

Many mums who struggle wonder, Is this depression? When it’s time to speak to someone?

And I say – now.

We all need to talk about our feelings at all times.

When we don’t, they build up and will eventually find their way out anyway – but the longer we wait, the uglier the way they get out is.

So as soon as you have something on your chest, speak about it.

And if things feel really dark, please speak to your doctor or midwife today.

It could – and it will – change everything.

Final word

Postnatal depression can be hard.

Really hard.

But it is just an illness – I say just because it means there is a way out.

If my letter resonated with you, I share my full PPD story and my recovery journey in my book Motherhood: The Unspoken. It shares real stories from different first time mums, brings you instant comfort and reassurance you’re not alone in how you feel.

And if you’re currently struggling, please know you’re not failing.

You’re just unwell.

That’s allowed!

You are going through something incredibly hard, and you deserve all the help and support in the world.

If you have any questions please comment below or drop me an email at ivana.poku@gmail.com.

I’m here for you, always. xx

With love,
Ivana xx