Ivana Poku What if making your relationship stronger after having kids wasn’t about trying harder… but about talking to each other better?
Today, I’m speaking with the expert behind The Communication Doc – someone who doesn’t just teach communication… she actually lives it every day.
Dr Melissa Cancel has a PhD in Communication and over 30 years of experience. She’s helped so many couples work through arguments, understand each other better, and feel close again.
She shows us that good relationships aren’t easy… they’re built with the right skills.
In this interview, she shares simple, powerful tips to help you talk better, argue less, and feel like a team again – even when life with kids feels messy and overwhelming.
Over to Dr Melissa Cancel…
1. Why does your relationship suddenly feel harder after kids?
Kids demolish a marriage routine.
When a couple marries, they start the challenging process of blending their two, often very different, lives into one.
All kinds of adjustments have to be made to the routines each has developed while single – from small things like using the same toothpaste and coordinating shower schedules to larger issues like sharing finances and sleeping in the same bed or room.
When a baby comes, many of these routines are disrupted or demolished altogether. Add to that the all-encompassing attention a baby requires, and the couple is left feeling disrupted, attention-deprived, and exhausted.
My husband had children from a previous marriage, so we only had our “honeymoon phase” every other week after we were married.
Then, 18 months into the marriage, I had my son. I had a reaction to the epidural, resulting in a migraine for the first two weeks, which worsened every time I nursed him.
This, combined with caring for three additional kids every other week and working full-time, left me dazed and just “existing.”
What I’ve found is that this feeling can often continue for the first couple of years, leaving couples out of touch, frustrated, and feeling more like “parents” than partners.
2. What are the most common mistakes couples make after having a baby?
This is where things quietly start to fall apart…
The most common communication mistakes I see couples make after having a baby fall into two camps – blaming each other for not fulfilling expectations and a lack of clear communication about feelings, needs, and routines.
Since most of the pressure of caring for a newborn typically falls on us as mums, we can become absorbed with ourselves and the child, rarely thinking of our husbands and their needs. While this is natural and completely understandable, we often end up blaming each other.
We blame our husbands for not helping and being selfish, and husbands can become frustrated and even envious of the attention they used to have that is now directed to the baby. We can develop unrealistic expectations of how or how much our husbands should help and then become frustrated if those expectations are not met.
The husband should help, but those expectations need to be clearly communicated. We tend to think, “He can see that I need help. It’s obvious. Why should I have to ask?”
Men often don’t see what is obvious to us, and they don’t pick up on subtle cues or hints. So, we need to ask. We need to have a clear conversation outlining the ways he can help – how and how often.
We also have to consider the husband’s needs.
You may be thinking, “I’m caring for a baby and barely have time to sleep or do anything for myself. My husband is an adult – he should be able to take care of his own needs!”
While this is true, in my experience, we have to remember that the presence of this amazing new life has changed the marriage dynamic that existed before, and this impacts both parents.
If you were the one who cooked dinner, if you usually watched a certain show together each night, if you had a routine for sexual intimacy – all these things have changed.
The couple needs to form new routines that now include the baby’s needs but also address each other’s needs as well. This requires clear communication.
I go deeper into this in my FREE masterclass: 4 Things Slowly Destroying Your Marriage, where I show the hidden patterns that quietly damage relationships after kids – and how you can fix them.
3. How do you stay emotionally close when you’re both completely exhausted?
It’s important for couples with children to follow the P-T-P principle. This stands for Permanent-Temporary-Permanent. The couple’s relationship should be thought of as Permanent.
Obviously, many marriages don’t end up being permanent, but you should always enter and work on the relationship as though it is.
So, your marriage relationship is permanent. This means that your relationship needs to be the top priority for both spouses.
While children, especially when young, take up most of our time and energy, we still have to put intentional focus on our spouse and the marriage relationship.
This may mean:
- paying for a sitter so you can have date nights
- putting the kids to bed early one night a week so you can have quality alone time
- forming a habit of quiet time for your child (rest, reading, individual play) so that you and your spouse can watch a show together
- limiting how many activities your child does outside the home that requires you to take them or be present
This is not selfish and will not harm your child’s development. It is essential for keeping your marriage healthy, a top priority, and permanent.
The relationship with children is temporary. Of course, you will always have a relationship with your children, but at some point, they will be out of your home and living their own lives. Too many parents invest all their time, energy, and emotion into their children.
When the children leave the home, they experience extreme empty nest. Again, this is normal, and the couple has to adjust to this new phase in their marriage, but this is also a peak time when divorces occur.
Why? In my experience, many couples no longer know each other, have nothing in common, and have exhausted their emotions on the kids.
You can’t prioritise your kids for 18 years and expect that you will have enough of the marriage left to put back together when they leave.
Finally, when your children get married, their relationship should be their priority.
Many parents who have not already followed the P and T aspects find this final aspect challenging. They are so totally invested in their child’s life that they interfere in the child’s marriage relationship.
4. What tiny daily habits can help you feel close again (even on the busiest days)?
Keeping in mind the PTP principle, here are some small daily habits spouses can do to stay connected:
- Greet (hug/kiss) your spouse first in the morning and last before going to bed.
- Practice gratitude – text or tell your spouse something that you appreciate every day.
- Whenever possible, eat dinner together as a family.
- Schedule some alone time every day – even if just 5 minutes – to focus on your relationship.
- Always support your spouse in front of the kids.
5. How can you actually support each other during that overwhelming first year?
The first year of parenthood is very challenging.
Couples can support each other through realistic expectations, clear communication, empathic understanding, and gratitude. These are intertwined with the idea of being other-oriented.
I know – you are already being so other-oriented with the baby who demands seemingly everything you have, but when we are in this position, it becomes easy to feel sorry for ourselves and become self-centered.
When this happens, we develop unrealistic expectations, fail to communicate, refuse to understand our spouse’s struggles, and become ungrateful.
When you start down this path, pause and think: We are one – we are in this together. This is NOT a competition.
Take some deep breaths and evaluate your expectations. Then communicate, listen, and practice gratitude.
6. How do you handle parenting disagreements without it turning into another argument?
I think all parents struggle with this.
We bring our own ideas of how to parent into a marriage.
Personality also plays a role. Parents should not have these conversations in front of the kids. Children need to know that their parents are united. These techniques of division negatively impact their development.
So the answer is to have these conversations early – even before you have kids.
Then adjust as needed and maintain consistency.
7. How do you stop feeling like just “mum and dad” and become partners again?
Being a partner is a choice. Children are a wonderful addition, but they shouldn’t consume our lives.
Choose to prioritise your marriage, set boundaries, and stick to them.
What I’ve found is that children feel most secure when their parents are committed to each other.
8. What are the quiet signs your relationship might be struggling?
Sometimes it’s not one big argument that tells you something is wrong, it’s the small changes that slowly build up over time.
Look out for things like:
• Lack of communication
• Changes in communication
• Increased conflict
• Changes in physical touch
• Blaming or criticising
• Resentment toward spouse or children
• Emotional withdrawal
9. Is sleep deprivation secretly damaging your relationship?
Lack of sleep affects everything. In my experience, it makes communication less clear and emotions harder to control.
When I am sleep-deprived, I go into autopilot. During that time, connection is not a priority – it’s survival.
The answer is not more exhaustion, it’s communication and balance.
10. Is romance gone after kids… or does it just look different now?
Romance may need to change. Instead of being spontaneous, it may need to be planned.
You can still connect, it just looks different.
What I’ve found is that intentional, meaningful connection matters more than frequency.
11. How do you take time for yourself without feeling like a “bad parent”?
Guilt is often something we place on ourselves. Balance is key. We can only do the best we can do, and that’s enough.
12. What simple communication rules can save your relationship after kids?
When life feels busy and overwhelming, small communication habits can make a big difference in how connected you feel. Here are some golden rules:
• Think before you speak
• Pay attention to nonverbal cues
• Avoid interrupting
• Listen fully
• Choose your battles
• Assume misunderstanding, not malice
• Avoid public criticism
• Express daily appreciation
• Speak your spouse’s love language
13. What are your top tips for couples to stay happy after having a baby?
When life gets busy with a new baby, focus on:
• Prioritising your marriage
• Communicating early and often
• Picking your battles
• Practicing gratitude
• Speaking your spouse’s love language
• Supporting each other
Before you go…
There you go!
If this made you realise you’re not alone… share it with another mum who needs to hear this today!
So many couples don’t fall apart because they are not fixable… they fall apart because they never learned the right skills that keep them connected through the hard times.
But it’s never too late to change that.
That’s why I highly recommend Dr Melissa Cancel’s free masterclass: 4 Things Slowly Destroying Your Marriage (and How to Fix Them)
In it, she breaks down the hidden patterns that quietly create distance between couples – and shows you exactly what to do instead so you can start feeling like a team again.
Here are also some more posts I wrote on relationships after children:
