Ivana Poku Do you feel like your relationship changed a lot ever since your baby arrived?
Do you find it hard to remember the last time you and your partner talked about anything else than your chores and duties?
Do you find it hard to remember when you last had a laugh together?
Have you found yourself stuck in a spot you had promised yourself you would never get to?
Trust me, it is not just you.
Many couples slide into a certain monotony after they become parents.
There is no wonder after all. Looking after a newborn is challenging in itself and if you combine it with sleep deprivation, the only thing you want to do when you have some free time is chill and sleep.
Keeping romance in the relationship and not letting boredom and frustration sneak in once the kids are involved can be a real challenge.
However, it is possible! Furthermore, your relationship after having a baby can be even stronger than before!
If you’re both willing to put some work into it, having kids can be a nice refreshment of your relationship rather than its killer.
How can you achieve it?
1. Don’t put your baby before your relationship
One of the most common things new parents face is that (usually) a mother puts the child before the relationship.
Feels so natural and yet it is not.
Of course, your child is extremely important to you and the love you have for them is like no other.
However, you cannot forget that your child was created by the love you have for your partner, not the other way around.
This means that the relationship with your partner is an anchor that holds your family together and helps your children feel secure and loved.
It also gives them a living example of how a relationship should work and how they should deal with certain problems they will face later on in life.
2. Get your partner involved
A lot of new mums feel like they should look after their children day and night since they don’t go to work.
What they forget about though is the fact that:
- their job as a mum is as important and hard (if not harder) as any other job
- both parents are in this together
- if parents don’t work as a team, their children can easily get between them
Of course, in some cases, the father doesn’t want to help.
If it is you who does all the parenting work, tell your partner what you need help with, explain your reasons more than once and from different angles if you need to, and try and find a way that suits you both.
Don’t talk to them when you are emotional or angry, plan the conversation for the time when you feel calm and ready to talk. (this is very important!)
Keeping your anger and frustration inside you won’t get your problems sorted, quite the opposite.
3. Don’t leave your shared bedroom
A classical scenario in many households with a newborn baby:
A mum does not want to disturb her partner during the night feeds, so she decides to move to the children’s room.
It may be a convenient solution, but in fact, it can be a silent killer of a relationship.
Remember that there is a very fine line between the physical and the emotional separateness.
Of course, sometimes it is necessary to part in order to survive, especially in the early stages.
After our twins were born, Yaw and I separated for a few months and dealt with one baby each.
It was the only way to survive as both babies were colicky and cried a lot during the night.
What we did though was that we set an approximate time limit for how long we would stay separated and then we followed it.
It worked great for us so if you don’ have a specific reason to stay separated (as I know some couples do and that’s absolutely fine), set yourself a time scale.
4. Talk about the things your kids do that make you laugh
I met this mum once who told me that when she and her husband go out, they have a rule to never talk about their children.
I understand her point and why they do it but talking about children can be so much fun and bring you with your partner even closer.
Of course, if you talk about your kids only in relation to duties and chores, it is no fun at all and definitely something one needs a break from.
But if you try and repeatedly share with your partner when and how your children made you laugh or feel proud, it can connect you on a brand new level.
5. Go out for a date at least once a month
All parents need to step out of the parenting world once in a while and spend some time together in a different environment.
It does not have to be anything fancy like going for a date night to a fancy restaurant. You can simply stay at home, light a candle and talk, you can play board games, try a new activity together, go for a romantic walk, you name it.
Not only this is beneficial for your relationship, but it also makes you better parents for your children.
6. Be intimate
After childbirth, your body changes a lot.
Many new mums feel like they are not attractive after giving birth anymore and often start to avoid intimacy.
In most cases, they are also too tired to even think about intimacy when looking after a newborn.
This is all totally understandable, however, in order to keep your relationship strong and happy after becoming parents, you know that you cannot be avoiding it forever.
Give yourself some time, but when you are ready, find a way that is comfortable for you both to be intimate again.
If it comes down to it, don’t be afraid to talk to your partner about your feelings and try and find a solution that suits you both.
I know it can be hard to talk about intimacy, but it is even harder to live without it.
7. Do family activities together
Try to do new things as often as possible.
Do things you have never done before.
Sign up for a bouncing course, go to a farm, have a picnic in the park, visit an interesting place, you name it.
As long as you do it together and enjoy it, it can be magical.
8. Talk and listen
Whenever you are facing a hurdle in your relationship, talk about it with your partner.
A lot of people make the mistake to talk about their relationship problems with their friends and family instead of the person that the problem relates to the most – their partner.
I know that going through a difficult conversation is not always easy, however, it is the only way to start getting the problem solved.
Tell your partner what bothers you and then listen to what they have to say.
Do not just wait for them to finish their bit so you can keep talking.
Try to really listen to what they are saying and give it a thought before you answer.
This easy trick makes a hell of a difference when it comes to the effectiveness of a conversation.
9. Don’t be afraid to get counseling
If nothing helps and you feel like your relationship is going south, do not be afraid to reach out for professional help.
Many people struggle with the stigma and feel ashamed to see a counselor.
But like I always say – if you have a toothache, you are not afraid to go and see the dentist, are you?
The same applies to emotional pain.
When you struggle in your relationship, go and see a therapist.
Remember that they are professionals who are here to help you.
Don’t feel like reaching out for help is a sign of weakness.
It is a sign of strength because it says that you have enough courage to know that you can’t do it on your own and you have enough trust to allow someone to help.
9 Tips On How To Get The Spark Back In a Relationship After The Baby Arrives
Here you go!
I hope these tips inspire you and help you keep your relationship strong and healthy after the baby and long after that.
What’s the one tip you are going to try today? Let me know in the comments!
