Ivana Poku Is it normal to regret having a baby?
What a question!
You might think, How could someone possibly regret having a baby?
It just doesn’t feel right.
Like it’s some mistake or a bad joke.
And it is — for a part of you.
A part that’s deeply wired in you.
A part that’s been shaped since the day you were born — by your environment, media, and society, which persistently create the image of having a baby as the most wonderful, joyful experience of your life.
You’ve dreamed of it for years — imagining two lines on a pregnancy test, holding your baby in your arms, feeling tiny fingers wrapped around your own…
So it probably didn’t occur to you that feeling anything other than positive emotions could even be an option.
Yet now that your baby is here… those feelings can arise.
You want to be happy, but you’re not.
You try really hard to feel the joy you were promised, but all you feel is a strong desire to turn back time.
You miss your old life — the one where you were free to do what you wanted, where no one depended entirely on you.
I get it.
I’ve been there.
In this post, I’ll explain why regretting having a baby is completely normal for new mums.
Well, not just normal, it’s kind of expected.
I’ll also share what you can do to ease these feelings and start enjoying motherhood the way you imagined.
Let’s dive straight in!
Why Unrealistic Expectations Make Postpartum Regret Common
The number one thing I want to point out is that expectations about motherhood are often unrealistic – naive, even.
It hit me like a truck when I realised this.
Your life changes overnight, your hormones are all over the place, and it’s virtually impossible to adjust to it all immediately.
At this stage, your baby is just a stranger to you. You don’t know them yet, and they don’t know you.
It takes time for the maternal bond to grow, develop and settle.
For some mums, love at first sight happens. But for many — I’d even dare say most — it doesn’t. And that’s totally natural.
When you give birth, your mind and body go through more than you can possibly imagine. It’s like your whole system and life have been run through a blender.
When you look at it this way, it’s only logical to have doubts.
To wonder if having children was the right decision.
To watch your screaming baby and silently think, What have I done?
All completely normal. All expected.
I’ll never forget those moments when I watched my newborn babies sleep and wished I could travel back in time and change my decision to have them.
I thought, Why did we want them? Why were we so stupid?
I would beat myself up and spend hours — even days — wondering why they had to be born.
It was excruciating.
The loneliest feeling I’ve ever experienced.
It’s been ten years since, and having worked with and spoken to hundreds of mums about postpartum struggles, I can tell you this happens to EVERY new mum to some extent.
Even if you don’t regret having a baby, every postpartum mum experiences conflicting thoughts.
It’s a natural part of the postpartum process.
How to Accept Your Postpartum Feelings Without Guilt
The first step to feeling better is realising there is nothing wrong with you.
You are not a bad mum. You are certainly not failing.
You’re simply a new mum going through the biggest transformation of your life.
Any “weird” feelings or thoughts are completely normal.
Think back to any other major change in your life. It took time to adjust, didn’t it? You missed the “before” at some point, right?
Motherhood is the biggest transformation you’ll ever experience, which means the adjustment will naturally be harder and take longer.
Related posts:
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Understanding That Regret Doesn’t Mean You Don’t Love Your Baby
It’s also important to remember: feeling regret or longing for your old life doesn’t mean you don’t love your baby.
You love them, it just doesn’t look like the movie moment. It rarely does (if ever).
The bond develops over time.
Some days will feel magical, and others unbearable.
That’s the reality of postpartum life.
When you stop fighting your feelings and start understanding and accepting them, they lose their power over you.
Taking Back Your Joy: What You Can Do as a New Mum
Feeling regret or overwhelm doesn’t mean you’re failing, it means you’re a mum.
And the good news is, there are many thing you can do to start enjoying motherhood like you always wanted!
So remember:
-
Give yourself grace.
Motherhood is the biggest life change you’ll ever experience. You’re learning a new role while your body, mind, and life are shifting. It’s okay if it’s messy, it’s supposed to be. -
Talk to someone you trust.
Sharing your feelings with someone you trust (this is crucial!) helps you undertand you are not alone and significantly reduce the risks of PPD. Struggles thrive in silence. -
Trust the bond will grow.
The maternal bond takes time to develop. Remember, you’re not alone in this – most mums feel the same way in the early days. Just becasue they don’t talk about it, doesn’t mean they don’t experience it. - Rememebr you DO love your baby
You do love your baby, you just don’t always feel it in the way you think you “should”. That’s completely normal, especially in the early weeks of motherhood. Love takes time to grow, and your bond will strengthen with every cuddle, experience, smile, and quiet moment together. Trust the process – it will come. -
Get out and socialise
There’s something magical about stepping outside, getting fresh air, and talking to other people. Suddenly, your problems feel a little lighter, and the future seems a bit brighter. Try to get out every day and join local groups for new mums – whether it’s a baby class, a park meetup, a support group , or just a coffee with a fellow mum. Connecting with others who go through the same experience is a total lifesaver. -
Move!
You’ve heard this a million times, but personally, exercise made a HUGE difference to my mental health when I was struggling with PPD. The key is to choose an activity that feels good to you, not one you think you “should” do. Don’t overthink it, and forget about unrealistic goals. Don’t just say you’ll “try”. Make the decision and just do it. Even a 10-minute walk a day is more than enough to start! (And remember, 10 minutes a day adds up to over 60 hours a year!)
A Final Word: Your Feelings Are Real and Valid
It’s normal and expected to have conflicting emotions after having a baby.
Missing your old life, feeling sadness, or even questioning your choices doesn’t make you a bad mum… all completely normal.
The journey of motherhood is full of highs and lows, but every step you take is shaping a strong, resilient bond with your baby.
Over time, the fear and regret ease, and this stage will become just a distant memory.
You didn’t fail by feeling regret.
You’re learning, and slowly adjustting to a life with the baby.
It’s not always easy, but it will only become easier and more enjoyable from here.
I promise!
And if you find motherhood too overwhelming right now, check out my FREE email course Postpartum Survival Toolkit.
Inside, I share proven, easy to follow steps that will help you ease the overwhelm, feel calmer, happier, and more like you again.
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