Ivana Poku Did you want a girl and find out you’re having a boy?
Or maybe you dreamed of a boy… and reality surprised you.
If your heart sank when you found out, please hear this first:
You are not a bad person or ungrateful.
And you are definitely not alone in feeling like this.
Baby gender disappointment is real — and far more common than people think.
My Story…
I had always imagined myself with a baby girl.
I even used to joke that I’d keep having babies until I finally had one. (ha!)
When I found out I was expecting twins, I secretly thought, “This is it. Fifty-fifty odds. Surely one will be a girl.”
When the midwife told us both babies were boys, I felt an instant sting of disappointment, sharp and unexpected.
My first thought was, What is wrong with me?
I was carrying two healthy babies with the man I loved.
What possible reason did I have to feel sad?
And yet, I did.
I had to focus very hard not to start crying right there and then, in front of the midwife.
But when the scan was over, I excused myself and went to the toilet to have a secret cry.
Although I am not sure whether I felt bad about the “verdict” or about how it made me feel.
Either way, I was extremely disappointed that we were having two boys.
At that time, it was like the worst-case scenario for me.
It took some time to adjust to the idea of having boys.
It was not easy but what made a big shift in my emotions was a comment from one of my close friends who said: ‘Wow, you will have at home three wonderful men who will love you to bits!’
This comment shifted something in me.
Slowly, my heart caught up with reality.
Today, I can’t imagine my life any other way.
In this post, I cover:
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What baby gender disappointment actually is
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Why it doesn’t make you a bad mum (or a person!)
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Practical ways to cope with gender disappointment and move forward
Before I move on, I want to tell you something important.
Gender disappointment is often just the first moment mums realise motherhood isn’t what they were expecting.
So many parents think, “Once the baby arrives, everything will fall into place.”
But there are MANY more surprises that come when the baby arrives – and most mums (myself included) only learn them the hard way.
That’s why I put together a FREE PDF with 9 motherhood truths most parents find out too late — so that you don’t have to.
Download it free here. Your future self will thank you.
What is gender disappointment?
Gender disappointment is the sadness or grief you feel when you find out your baby’s sex isn’t what you hoped for.
You’re not reacting to your baby.
You’re grieving an imagined future.
The daughter you pictured. The son you dreamed of. The experiences you thought you’d have.
There’s nothing wrong with it and definitely NOT something you should feel ashamed of.
Being sad about your baby’s sex is more common than you may think.
How to Deal With Gender Disappointment (For Real)
Here are the steps that helped me cope and actually start feeling excited about my babies’ sex:
1. Don’t push your feelings away.
First and foremost, do not beat yourself up.
Your mind and body are going through so much during pregnancy so anything you feel is normal and understandable.
Don’t try to push your feelings away.
The more you suppress emotions, the louder they become.
Allow yourself to feel sad.
Allow yourself to grieve.
2. Talk!
Silence fuels shame and guilt, so talk to someone you trust — a friend, partner, or another mum.
Even a stranger if you feel like it!
You’ll be surprised how many parents quietly admit:
“Me too.”
Talking helps you process your feelings, gain perspective, feel less alone and ease the sadness.
3. Journal about it
Grab pen a paper, turn your brain off, and write without censoring yourself.
Journaling helps uncover the why behind the sadness.
You can also try these powerful journaling prompts:
- Why am I feeling sad about the sex of my baby?
- What does it mean that I am feeling sad?
- Do I want to feel differently about it?
- What can I do to feel differently about it?
Do it right now. Seriously.
No pen? No problem.
Close your eyes and answer at least one question in your head before you keep reading.
How Long Does Gender Disappointment Last?
How long gender disappointment lasts depends on many factors.
For instance:
- your mental health
- your support system
- whether and how you process the feelings
For many mums, disappointment fades during pregnancy.
For others, it can linger even after birth.
But for most mum, it goes away naturally within weeks.
And if it doesn’t?
That’s a sign you deserve extra support.
When to Get Extra Help
If months go by and you don’t bond, or are weighed down by guilt or shame, it’s time to reach out.
You could be showing early signs of postnatal depression or postpartum anxiety – both are really common, and I’ve been there too. (You can read my PPD story in this post.)
Even if that’s not the case, talking about your feelings can make a HUGE difference.
And help prevent things from getting worse.
Final word
There you go!
Remember, mama – your feelings are valid!
Baby gender disappointment does not define your love or you as a person.
With time, honesty, and support, your heart will catch up.
And one day, you look back, and realise the story unfolded exactly as it needed to.
Before you go…
If this post made you feel understood, you’re not alone — and there’s more support waiting for you.
I created a free PDF with 9 truths about early motherhood no one warns you about — the real-life stuff no one talks about, but every mum deserves to know.
Grab it free here and save yourself a LOT of pain later.
FAQs About Gender Disappointment
Is gender disappointment normal?
Absolutely. Many parents feel sad when their baby’s sex isn’t what they hoped for. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your child — it just means you’re grieving a vision you had in mind. Feeling this way is completely normal.
How long does gender disappointment last?
It varies. For some parents, it fades during pregnancy. For others, gender disappointment after birth can linger for weeks or months. Most parents find it eases over time, especially with support and self-compassion.
How do you deal with gender disappointment?
Talk about your feelings with someone you trust, journal your thoughts, and allow yourself to grieve. Processing your emotions instead of suppressing them is the best way to cope.
Does gender disappointment go away?
Yes, for most parents it does. Giving yourself time, sharing your feelings, and focusing on bonding with your baby helps the sadness fade. And remember, seeking support is always okay if it lingers.
How can I overcome gender disappointment?
Acknowledge your feelings without guilt, talk to others who’ve experienced it, and practice gratitude for your baby’s health and your growing family. Shifting your mindset gradually helps you embrace your baby fully.
Can gender disappointment lead to postpartum depression?
For some parents, unresolved sadness can contribute to postpartum depression or anxiety. That’s why it’s important to seek support if you notice prolonged sadness, trouble bonding, or overwhelming guilt.
Is it okay to feel disappointed even years after birth?
Yes! Some parents notice lingering feelings of gender disappointment later, especially if they haven’t talked about it or processed it fully. It’s never too late to address your feelings and seek support.
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