Ivana Poku Before your baby arrived, you probably imagined snuggles, overhwelming love, and that magical “new mum glow.”
But now that the baby is here, it’s nothing like what you pictured.
Instead of glowing, you feel drained and quietly wondering, “Am I the only one finding this so hard?”
You are not alone feeling like this.
After our twins arrived, I felt like I was drowning. I was overwhelmed, running on fumes, and silently longing to turn back the time.
And then came the endless advice.
“Don’t stress about the small stuff.”
“Sleep when the baby sleeps.”
“Enjoy every moment, it goes so fast!”
Well-meaning? Sure.
Helpful? Not even close.
In fact, any piece of advice only made me feel worse.
Because when you’re deep in the fog of new motherhood, those words feel unreachable.
If you could magically stop worrying, you would.
If could or wanted to sleep when baby sleeps, you would.
If you could enjoy every moment, you would.
But the problem is, you don’t know how.
The One Piece Of Advice That Changed Everything
Then, when our twins were a few months old, during one of my lowest moments, my husband Yaw gave me a piece of advice that changed everything.
At the time, I was going through postnatal depression (I share my PPD story in this post).
I cried a lot and felt completely useless and hopeless. I felt incredibly guilty for feeling this way, like the worst mum in the world.
I felt guilty that I couldn’t feel joy.
One day, we went out for a walk with the twins. As I poured my heart out, he listened carefully and then said:
“You spend 12 hours a day alone with the twins while I’m at work. We live far from friends and family. We have colicky twins who scream and cry practically all the time. Of course you’re feeling like this. How could you not?”
In that moment, it felt like a heavy weight lifted off my shoulders.
The dark cloud that had been hanging over me for a long time suddenly shifted.
For the first time, I felt seen and heard.
Instead of trying to cheer me up or “fix” me, Yaw let me feel what I was feeling.
He allowed me to feel my feelings.
And that changed everything.
At that moment – probably for the first time since becoming a mum – I felt deep compassion towards myself.
Of course I’m not OK. How could I be?
I realised that to feel happy again, I first needed to allow myself to feel whatever I was feeling in the moment – without judgement and without trying to force myself to feel anything different.
Because only when I stopped fighting the “bad” feelings could they lose their power over me.
I share my honest story of finding my way back after struggling as a new mum in my book, Motherhood – The Unspoken.
How I Stopped Beating Myself Up as a New Mum (And Found Self-Compassion)
From that day onwards, I started focusing on what I did well rather than what I did “wrong.”
And then I did something “bad”, like snapping, or saying something I wasn’t proud of, I reminded myself of what led me to that moment.
And remembering this allowed me to return to compassion.
For instance: I haven’t slept for months, and the twins have been crying for two hours straight. Of course I lost it! Who wouldn’t?
This has proved to be the best act of self-love I’ve ever done, and I strongly recommend you try it for yourself.
You know, it’s easy to give ourselves love and compassion when things go right.
It’s when things go wrong that we tend to abuse ourseleves up with our inner voice.
If the word “abuse” feels too strong to you, listen to this:
“Your children deserve a better mum.”
“I’m no good to anyone.”
“I’m just a piece of s**t”
“I’m a horrible mum.”
“I’m a failure.”
These are things many mums say to themselves daily.
Actually, the word “abuse” actually doesn’t feel adequate.
The most accurate word is self-hate.
And with self-hate, you can’t expect to feel better.
Ever.
Why Feeling Overwhelmed Doesn’t Make You a Bad Mum
I’ve seen this over and over again.
As mums, we are far too hard on ourselves.
We try to fight and stop the inevitable.
Feeling sad, lonely, and overwhelmed is a natural part of motherhood – and of life.
They’re not “bad” emotions, they’re just emotions.
They’re signals from your body and mind, showing you what’s going on inside and what needs to be addressed.
So if you’re a new mum feeling any of this, remember:
You are doing an incredible job.
Even on your worst days.
Especially on your worst days.
The Best Advice I Ever Got When I Was Struggling as a New Mum
If this spoke to you, or if you’re in the middle of those tough early days, I’d love to hear from you.
Leave a comment below and DM me on Instagram.
I always LOVE hearing drom my readers!
With love,
Ivana xx
I share my honest story of finding my way back after struggling as a new mum in my book, Motherhood – The Unspoken.
