Ivana Poku Many new mums feel overwhelmed and lonely.
They feel like a failure.
They feel trapped.
What most people don’t know though is that these are all COMMON feelings of a new mum – despite what (social) media tell us.
I was no exception.
After our twins arrived, I felt incredibly overwhelmed and eventually suffered from postnatal depression.
I felt overwhelmed mainly due to the changes that came to my life with the babies.
But also due to the advice flowing to me from each direction.
You know what I mean…
Don’t sweat the small stuff.
Trust yourself.
Don’t try to be the perfect mum.
You have a beautiful baby, enjoy it!
While all this is wonderful advice, when you are in the thick of things as a new mum, it can make things even worse for you.
Why?
Because you simply CAN’T help it.
If you knew how to stop feeling a certain way or how to trust yourself, you would.
But the problem is that you don’t know how.
People are telling you what outcome you need to achieve, but they don’t give you the roadmap – which is what you need the most.
Otherwise, it’s like telling a hungry person that they should eat but not telling them where they can find some food.
The best new mum advice that made all the difference
Personally, this kind of advice made me feel even more frustrated that I could not enjoy things.
Easier said than done, I used to think when people said I should be happy.
Until the day when my husband offered the BEST advice that made all the difference.
The boys were a few months old at the time and I was having one of my depressive episodes.
I felt incredibly lonely and desperate.
All I wanted to do was cry.
I felt trapped and didn’t see any point in anything.
My husband Yaw took me and the boys out for a walk and I opened up to him.
I was talking about my feelings and I couldn’t stop crying.
Then I cried over the fact that I was crying instead of enjoying being a new mum.
It was a vicious circle.
Yaw was listening carefully and then said: “Well, of course, you’re feeling like this! How could you not?”
I was taken aback by his statement.
He then continued:
‘You are alone 12 hours a day with the boys. You have no family to help you. We live in a flat in a house with no lift. The boys cry almost all the time and all you do is feed and change nappies. Of course that you are feeling trapped and low!’
When he said it, I felt a massive weight lift off my shoulders.
The magic happened because he let me feel the way I felt.
Instead of trying to ‘cheer me up’ or ‘fix me’, he sat down next to me in the dark.
At that moment, I sensed a feeling of compassion towards myself – probably for the first time since becoming a new mum.
Of course, I’m not ok! How could I be?
I understood that in order to feel happy, what I really needed to do was to allow myself to feel my feelings.
Rather than repress them, I needed to feel them and let them out.
Only then did they lose their power over me.
From a trapped mum to a HOPEFUL mum
From that day onwards, I started to notice my achievements rather than failures.
Every night before going to bed, I would write down everything amazing I achieved that day – and frankly, I was astonished by how many wonderful things I found when I had given it a real thought!
I have stopped focusing on how I ‘should’ feel and what I ‘should’ do and instead started to honor my feelings and the things that I did every single day.
This has proved the best self-care routine I have ever tried and I strongly recommend you try it for yourself!
It didn’t treat my postnatal depression (not directly anyway) but it was one of the most important steps on the way out.
You know…
As mums, we ARE too hard on ourselves.
We try to fight and stop the inevitable.
Feeling sad, lonely, and overwhelmed is a natural part of motherhood and life
They are just emotions, just like happiness and joy.
You wouldn’t beat yourself up for feeling happy, would you?
In the same way, you shouldn’t beat yourself up when feeling low too!
So-colled ‘negative’ emotions are just emotions that have nothing to do with your worth or ability as a new mum.
They need to be acknowledged, experied and only then they can go away.
So please, if you are a new mum feeling sad, lonely, or anything else that doesn’t match your idea of how a new mum ‘should’ feel, remember you are not alone.
Being a new mum is not easy at all and it is simply impossible to enjoy every moment!
Especially in the first weeks and months!
However, if you feel your feelings affect your daily activities and you feel like you can’t cope on your own, seek professional help!
The Best EVER Advice I Got When I Felt Trapped As A New Mum
Ther you go!
If you are struggling to adjust to changes that come with the baby, remember that whatever you are feeling right now is natural, understandable, and – most importantly – only temporary!
You are doing a wonderful job looking after your baby.
Never doubt that!
PS. If you want to discover more unspoken truths about motherhood people don’t talk about and read authentic stories of other first-time mums – how they felt in the early stages, what helped them to cope & their personal supportive message to YOU, I invite you to check out my book Motherhood – The Unspoken.
