The Real Reason New Mums Feel So Lonely (Even When You’re Not)

Last Updated on September 10, 2026 by Ivana Poku

It’s 10pm.

Your baby has finally fallen asleep on you and you don’t dare move.

Your phone full of contacts is right next to you.

There’s so much you want to say… Yet you can’t think of a single person you could actually message.

Not because no one cares, but because what on earth would you say?

“Hi. I’ve been holding a baby since six this morning and I haven’t spoken to another adult all day. Can we chat?”

Erm… maybe not.

So you don’t message anyone (again) and sit in silence, alone with your thoughts.

I know, my lovely.

I’ve been there. Although it’s been years, I can still vividly remember that daunting loneliness I felt as a new mum.

Even when I was surrounded by many amazing people who would drop everything if I asked them for help.

Yet I have never felt so lonely in my life.

If that’s you right now, I’m so glad you’re here!

In this post, I’ll explain why you feel this lonely, why it hits so hard in those first months, and what genuinely helped me start feeling connected to the world again.

But first, hello!

I’m Ivana, a mum of three boys (including twins), the founder of MumsJourney, and author of Motherhood: The Unspoken, on a mission to create a world where mums feel seen and supported.

If you’re a new mum in the thick of it, check out my 27 free affirmations that I created specifically for new mums when motherhood feels too much. They will help you feel lighter and more hopeful in seconds.

Okay, let’s begin.

I Thought I Was The Only One

I’ll start with sharing my story.

I felt a deep sense of loneliness practically immediately after our twins arrived and I didn’t feel any special bond when I saw them.

As most first-time mums, I was promised fountains of love when I saw them, so when that didn’t happen I felt incredibly ashamed.

What’s wrong with me? Why don’t I feel anything?

Every day, I’d experience new things that took me by surprise and added to shame and guilt.

By week 2, I hated being a mum and I wanted to turn back time.

I was convinced all other mums were having a great time with their babies but not me.

And then there was another moment that made me feel even lonelier: the inner child in me awakened.

Of course, at the time I didn’t know what it was, I just felt like a little girl again, craving love and attention.

I thought, who’s going to look after me now? Who’s going to chase the monsters from underneath my bed?

Again, I hadn’t heard any other mum saying she’d feel this way after having a baby, so I kept my feelings to myself.

Why You Feel Lonely

1. You keep your feelings to yourself

Looking back, I believe one of the biggest reasons I felt so lonely was because I thought I was the only one feeling the way I did.

That no one else would get me if I told them how I really felt.

And that they’d judge me.

So I kept my thoughts and emotions to myself. Well, mostly, because my husband knew about most of them, but it wasn’t enough when I still hid from the rest of the world.

So the first reason is the conviction we are lonely in what we’re experiencing. Even when we’re really not.

And this is where things can get really confusing. Because you can be surrounded by people and still feel completely alone.

3. Your world shrank overnight

Another reason is the drastic change to our lives that comes with the baby. Your world changes almost overnight, and you no longer can do things you were free to do only yesterday.

It doesn’t matter how much you wanted this baby or how much you love them, it still takes time to get used to the life with them.

And you’re naturally going through the grieving process. You grieve the old version of you that you will never get back.

I am sad that this is not spoken about enough, but grief truly is a natural process of becoming a mum.

4. Everyone who comes through the door is here for the baby

When you were pregnant, everything was about you, and now everything is about the baby:

The health visitor weighs the baby

Your mum asks if he’s feeding

A friend wants a photo

Even “do you get much sleep?” is a question about how “good” the baby is.

In other words – you’re making tea at your own party.

People love you and yet don’t ask about you. It’s like they assume you’re fine, even though you’re not.

And after a while, you can start to wonder: does anyone actually see me anymore?

5. You and your partner now live different lives

He leaves early in the morning for work and you do fourteen hours of something he can’t understand.

Not that he has it easy (he doesn’t have it easy either and I talk about it more in this post), but it’s like you’re living two different lives now.

You have so much to say but by evening you’re both too exhausted to talk properly. And even when you have a minute, you’d rather spend it relaxing than having a deep conversation.

This is exactly why you can feel lonely with him sitting right next to you.

He’s right there, but somehow you still feel miles apart.

6. You’re awake when the whole world is asleep

You feed your baby at 3pm. Again, you have so much on your mind but there’s nobody to message or talk to.

Night feeds are a loneliness all of their own – this time, not only emotional, but physical too.

At night, when everything quiets down, your mind has time and space to give way to worries and all sorts of dark thoughts that are normally successfully distracted by the noise of the day.

It’s amazing how loud your thoughts can become when the rest of the world goes quiet.

7. Even when someone does ask, you say “tired but good”

When people ask how you are, you say good on autopilot, because the true answer is too big for a doorstep.

And every time you say it, another brick goes in the wall. So the very thing that would end the loneliness – one moment of honesty – feels too hard.

You want someone to ask. But when they finally do, you don’t know how to tell them the truth.

It Really Isn’t Just You

I know you might feel like the loneliest person on the planet right now, but let me reassure you really aren’t.

There are thousands of mums around the world who feel like you do right now.

I still remember how desperate I was to have a friend when my twins were tiny.

We’d just moved to a new town, so we had no friends and family around. Each buggy walk only reminded me how lonely I was.

When I saw other mums pushing buggies together, I felt a strong ping of jealousy and sadness.

I wanted what they seemed to have so badly.

Today I know I could have easily joined them and would have been welcomed with open arms, but as a first-time mum, I had no idea that we were all in the same boat.

I thought everyone else had figured motherhood out except me.

So how did I do to change things?

1. I started attending a local baby group

It was extremely hard at the time to join any sort of group for babies.

Because I was struggling so much, and didn’t want anyone to know it.

So any kind of socialising meant more hiding and more energy to keep a happy face mask on.

But the loneliness pushed me, so I went in the end and it helped me enormously!

Even though I didn’t talk about how I really felt to anyone right away, just having adult conversations was beyond refreshing for my mind and soul.

2. I spoke up about how I really felt

This one took me about eight months and hitting rock bottom, but when I finally confided in a friend about how I really felt… oh, boy.

This changed everything for me and gave me courage to speak to more and more mums.

Even the ones in the baby group.

And I was shocked to discover they felt exactly like I did! Lonely, exhausted, overwhelmed, and they definitely didn’t enjoy every moment of it like I thought they did.

It was an eye-opening experience on a whole new level.

And it melted my loneliness in a heartbeat because suddenly, I wasn’t the “odd one out” anymore.

3. I turned my struggle into a purpose:

Once I understood that ALL new mums find things hard, I was desperate to let them know so they never had to feel like I did. I started this blog and published my book Motherhood – The Unspoken.

I didn’t have much time to work on it during the day, so I worked on it day and night – whenever I had a moment.

It wasn’t easy, but the memory of how lonely and desperate I felt once was (and still is) my driving force.

This not only gave me a new thing to focus on, but also lit a spark in my heart that I’d thought was put out for good.

I wasn’t just a mum anymore, but I’ve found a new goal and purpose – to help other mums to feel less alone.

And that gave me a part of myself back.

So, my darling, I want you to find something that ignites the spark in your heart.

It doesn’t have to be a blog or a book.

It could be sharing honest motherhood posts on Instagram, starting something you’ve been wanting to do for ages, or learning something…. sky is the limit, really.

The only rule is that it has to bring you joy.

Loneliness feeds on having nothing that belongs to you anymore, so find that thing and do it now! Even if you have 5 minutes a day.

4. I stopped waiting to be invited

Remember those mums I told you about, the ones walking their buggies together while I walked mine alone?

I was convinced they were an established little group and I’d be intruding.

But they really weren’t!

Every single one of those groups started with one woman who spoke up.

That’s all.

Someone at the baby group, or in the queue, or at the playground, said “how old is yours?” – and that was the beginning of the whole thing.

So be that woman, my darling.

Don’t wait to be invited, be the one who invites!

And if you’re feeling braver, try “God, I’m shattered today!”

That’s what I do today, although it’s true it took me time to get to this point where I have no problem sharing how I really feel. And to enjoy it. Because let me tell you, it’s something else to see another mum dropping the mask when I give her permission to be honest.

Honesty invites honesty.

The worst that can happen is a polite smile and you both walk on. But even then, you never know how your words landed. She might have had a very hard day and your words helped her more than you realise, even if they didn’t show it.

When Loneliness Is Something More

Everything I’ve described so far is a normal part of becoming a mum.

However, sometimes loneliness can be a sign of something bigger.

If it’s been going on for weeks rather than days, if nothing brings you any joy at all, if you’re pulling away from people on purpose, or if your own thoughts are starting to frighten you – please don’t take it lightly as it could be signs of postnatal depression.

As a fellow PPD survivor, I want to tell you there’s nothing more dangerous than struggling alone. Even if you don’t have PPD, bottling things up can lead to it. This was the case for me too. I am convinced that if I’d spoken up about how I felt earlier, it wouldn’t have escalated to PPD.

Well, I can’t turn back the time but I can help you not make the same mistakes.

Postnatal depression and postnatal anxiety are far more common than anyone admits, and both are very treatable.

Asking for help doesn’t mean you’re weak, it means you choose to remain strong.

Check out also my posts on Postnatal Anxiety and Postpartum Mental Health: What’s Normal & When to Ask for Help.

Final Word

And that’s all, lovely one.

Remember what I said earlier, about being convinced I was the only one feeling that way?

I want to come back to that.

A survey of over a thousand first-time mums found that nearly 4 in 10 of those living with a partner still felt lonely on a regular basis.

Behind every one of those numbers is a woman on a sofa at 10pm with a phone full of contacts and nobody she can bring herself to message.

You were never the only one!

And if you want more proof, I invite you to read my book Motherhood – The Unspoken, that shares real-life stories of 10 first-time mums.

Each mum shares what was really going on behind closed doors, how she coped, what she’d tell her old self and also to you – a fellow new mum. It’s incredibly comforting and relatable – and can help you feel less alone in a way that few things can.

FAQs

Is it normal to feel lonely after having a baby?

Yes. Feeling lonely after having a baby is incredibly common, even if you have a loving partner, family and friends around you.

Your life has changed overnight and you spend most of your day at home with a baby who can’t have a conversation with you, while the people you used to see are busy with work and their own lives.

You can love your baby and still feel lonely. It doesn’t say anything about you as a mum or a person.

Why do I feel so lonely after having a baby?

There are lots of reasons you might feel lonely after having a baby. Your world can become much smaller, especially if you’re spending most of your time at home.

You may also miss your old life, don’t bond with your baby, don’t spend as much time with your partner as you used to,  feel like everyone only asks about the baby, or that you’re the only one feeling the way you do.

Why do I feel lonely even when I have people around me?

Because loneliness isn’t always about being physically alone. You can have a partner sitting next to you and still feel disconnected.

You might have friends and family who love you but still feel like nobody really understands what you’re going through.

We often make loneliness worse by hiding how we really feel. You say “I’m fine” when you’re actually struggling, and people naturally assume you mean it.

How can I stop feeling lonely as a new mum?

Try going to a local baby group, messaging another mum, inviting someone for a coffee or simply starting a conversation at the playground… Whatever feels doable for you.

Most importantly, try to be honest about how you’re feeling. You might be surprised by how many other mums say, “Me too” and how much it helps lift the loneliness.

Also, find something that belongs to you outside of motherhood. Speaking from my own experience, having something that brings you joy can help you feel more like yourself again.

Is loneliness after having a baby a sign of postnatal depression?

Not necessarily. Feeling lonely is often a normal part of becoming a mum and adjusting to your new life.

However, if the loneliness lasts for weeks, you’re losing interest in things you normally enjoy, withdrawing from people on purpose, feeling persistently low or anxious, or having thoughts that frighten you, it’s important to speak to a healthcare professional.

Postnatal depression and postnatal anxiety are common and treatable. You don’t have to wait until things become “too bad” before asking for help. If you struggle, that’s too bad already.

How do I make friends as a new mum?

Start with one person.

Try a local baby group, mum-and-baby class, playground or even a conversation with another mum while you’re out with your baby. Online local groups can help a lot too.

And please, don’t assume that everyone else already has their little group with no room for anyone else to join. Mum groups are always open to more mums!

Why do I feel lonely at night after having a baby?

Night feeds can make loneliness feel intense because the whole world seems to be asleep while you’re awake.

During the day, there are distractions, noise and things to keep you busy. At night, everything becomes quiet, which can give your worries and thoughts more space.

How long does postpartum loneliness last?

There isn’t a set amount of time that postpartum loneliness lasts.

But you don’t have to simply wait for it to pass. Take the first step today! Reach out, het together with other mums and talk honestly about how you feel. It’s hard but it’s even harder to feel lonely.

And if your loneliness is persistent or comes with other symptoms of postnatal depression or anxiety, speak to your doctor, health visitor or another healthcare professional.