Ivana Poku You know what no one warns you about after having a baby? The grief.
Not grief like losing someone… but grief for your old life.
About missing who you were before the baby came along – your body, your freedom, your time, your sleep.
The sleep ins. Social life. Date nights. Even just being able to popo in a shop whenever you wanted.
And then there’s the guilt. Because you do love your baby more than anything… so why does it feel like you’ve lost something too?
If this is you, you’re not crazy, and you’re definitely not a bad mum.
You can love your baby and still miss your old life.
Those two aren’t mutually exclusive.
What you’re feeling has a name: postpartum grief.
And it’s way more common than you think, we just don’t talk about it enough.
So let’s talk about it.
Let’s get real about why it happens and what helps you find your way back to you.
What Is Postpartum Grief (and Why No One Talks About It)
When our twins were born in 2016, I struggled so hard to adjust to my new life.
I missed my old life so badly it physically hurt.
I kept thinking, What have I done? Why did we do this to ourselves?
And then I’d feel awful for even having those thoughts.
It’s a normal, messy loop new mums get stuck in.
This is postpartum grief – the part of new mum mental health we rarely mention.
It’s the quiet sadness that shows up when you’re missing your old life after baby.
The Science Behind Postpartum Grief
There’s actually science behind why so many mums feel sad and lost after having a baby.
When you give birth, your body goes through one of the biggest hormone crashes it will ever experience.
During pregnancy, your hormones (especially oestrogen and progesterone) are sky-high – they help you grow your baby and keep you feeling balanced.
But right after birth, they drop like a stone.
That sudden crash can mess with your emotions big time.
Then add in the lack of sleep, your body healing, sore boobs, constant feeding, and suddenly being responsible for a tiny human who can’t tell you what they need.
It’s no wonder you feel all over the place!
But it’s not just your body. Your identity changes too.
You’ve gone from being “you” to being “mum” overnight.
And while that’s beautiful, it’s also a HUGE shock to your brain.
Your brain literally rewires itself to focus on your baby’s safety and needs – which is amazing, but it also means you have less space and energy for the things that used to make you feel like you.
That’s why you might miss your old life, even if you wouldn’t change your baby for the world.
These emotional changes after birth are completely normal. They’re part of what many experts call postpartum identity loss.
So no, you’re not ungrateful.
You’re not a bad mum.
You’re just adjusting to one of the biggest changes a person can go through.
Related posts:
- Ultimate Guide to Surviving the First 6 Months With a Newborn
- Is it normal to regret having a baby?
- How to Cope With Postpartum Sleep Deprivation
You Can Grieve More Than Death – Including Your Old Life
We often connect grief with death; with losing someone you love.
But the truth is, you can grieve anything you’ve lost: a person, a job, a dream, or even a version of yourself.
And motherhood? It’s full of loss.
You’ve lost your old routines, your freedom, your social life, your sleep (oh, the sleep), and maybe even parts of your relationship.
You’ve lost the old “you” – the one who could just be without thinking about nap times, nappies, or feeding schedules.
That’s a real loss. And it deserves to be acknowledged.
Because the truth is, you’ll never not be a mum again.
Even when your kids grow up, that part of you doesn’t switch off.
So yes, you’ve gained this incredible new chapter, but another one closed.
And it’s normal to feel both grateful and sad.
Many new mums don’t realise that grieving your old life after baby is actually part of healthy emotional adjustment – not a sign of depression or failure.
Why You Need to Feel Your Postpartum Grief (Not Push It Down)
So instead of judging yourself for missing your old life, try giving yourself permission to grieve it.
Say, “Yeah, I miss her. And that’s normal.”
Healing starts when we stop pretending we’re glowing with happiness and start acknowledging all the colours of motherhood.
When you lose someone you love, you’re allowed time to process and grieve.
The same goes for motherhood.
And yes, it can feel hard when people say, “You must be so happy!” but remember: they’re just being kind.
It doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to feel anything else.
So shut out the noise and allow yourself to grieve.
The more space you give your grief, the faster it will move through you.
So many mums try to push it down.
We tell ourselves we “should be grateful.” We smile, say we’re fine, and keep going – because that’s what good mums do, right? (Spoiler: they don’t.)
But feelings don’t disappear when we ignore them.
They just build up until they burst out as tears, anger, or exhaustion.
Letting yourself grieve doesn’t mean you’re being dramatic or ungrateful. It means you’re being real.
Cry if you need to. Write it down. Talk to someone who gets it.
Because grief only moves when we stop fighting it.
You don’t have to rush it or fix it. Just feel it.
That’s where healing starts – in those quiet moments when you finally let yourself be honest about how you feel, without guilt or judgement.
You Won’t Feel Like This Forever
It might not feel like it right now, but this heavy, overwhelming sadness won’t last forever.
If I made it through, you will too.
I know it feels never-ending right now, but slowly, bit by bit, things start to shift.
You’ll laugh again.
You’ll find little moments of peace again.
You’ll start to feel more like you, just a new version, one that’s softer and stronger.
Motherhood changes you in ways you can’t see right away.
The grief doesn’t vanish overnight, but it gets lighter.
One day you’ll realise you’ve gone a whole afternoon without that heavy feeling in your chest. You’ll notice you’re not crying as often. You’ll even catch yourself smiling for no reason.
That’s how healing sneaks in – quietly, while you’re busy raising your baby.
So be patient with yourself. You’re not a bad mum. You’re just becoming someone new.
And that takes time, and a lot of grace.
And if you find motherhood too overwhelming right now, check out my FREE email course – 7 Habbits For Easier Mum Life.
Inside, I share proven steps that will help you ease the overwhelm, feel calmer, and more like you again.
These aren’t the generic tips you see all over social media – they’re my personal tips that helped me make mum life MUCH easier, even with no friends and family around to help.
