Ivana Poku You look “fine.”
You feed your baby, smile at visitors, laugh when someone tells a joke… but inside, you feel hollow.
That was me after having my twins in 2016.
I felt incredibly lonely, even with people all around me.
I missed my old life… or, to be more honest, I cried for it.
Even though I had wanted my twins so badly, when they arrived, I thought, “What have I done?”
I thought I understood postpartum depression (also known as PPD or postnatal depression).
But I didn’t.
And I know that most new mums (and dads) don’t.
So if you’re reading this and thinking, “Something feels off, but I’m not sure if it’s postpartum depression” — this post is for you.
Why I’m Writing This Post
Most information about postpartum depression focuses on the extreme end.
Things like:
- “If you feel like hurting your baby…”
- “If you feel like hurting yourself…”
And yes, PPP can look like it (and it often does).
But it can also show up in many different, quiet ways.
So quiet that if you don’t pay close attention, you will easily miss it — just like I did.
And it’s these quiet signs that are the most dangerous.
Because they are easy to hide.
You can look absolutely fine on the outside…
And be falling apart underneath.
That’s why I created this post.
For mums.
And for partners, friends, grandparents…. anyone who wants to understand PPD a bit better.
A quick disclaimer
This post isn’t medical advice.
I’m not a doctor, I’m a mum who’s been there.
If you’re worried about yourself or someone else, please speak to a professional.
This post is here to help you notice — and start the conversation.
Quiet signs of postpartum depression new mum often miss
Postpartum depression doesn’t necessarily look like sadness.
It doesn’t always look like staying in bed all day, or crocodile tears in public.
These are the most severe cases.
But PPD can show up in so many ways.
Here are some of them:
1. You feel “fine”… but something feels off
This one is sneaky.
You’re functioning.
You’re feeding the baby.
You’re smiling.
You’re even laughing.
But underneath?
There’s a constant heaviness.
Like you’re carrying a weight you can’t put down.
You might think:
- “I should be happy”
- “Other mums cope better than me”
- “It’s probably just hormones”
Check these posts for more unspoken feelings of a new mum:
- The Truth About Loss of Identity in Motherhood (And How to Fix It)
- Postnatal Rage: The Hidden Emotion No One Warned Me About
- Let’s Talk About Postpartum Grief: Why New Mums Miss Their Old Life
2. Intense anxiety or over-protectiveness
PPD isn’t always about low mood.
Sometimes it shows up as anxiety dressed up as love.
Constant worrying.
Racing thoughts.
Needing to control everything.
You might feel:
- Panicked when someone else holds your baby
- Unable to relax, even when the baby sleeps
- Like something bad is always about to happen
3. Crying for no clear reason
Not big dramatic crying.
Just… tears that come out of nowhere.
You drop a spoon, or someone asks how you are…
And suddenly you’re crying again.
You don’t even know why.
You may feel like you’re losing your grip.
4. You don’t enjoy being a mum
You love your baby, but you don’t enjoy motherhood.
And you feel incredibly ashamed about it.
No one tells you this can be part of PPD.
So instead of asking for help, you feel like you’re failing.
5. Hopelessness that doesn’t make sense
Nothing terrible has happened, but you feel empty.
Like you are drowning and there is no light at the end of the tunnel.
You don’t the point in anything, and the future feels meaningless.
Even things you used to love don’t bring you any joy.
…and no amount of positive thinking seems to shift this feeling.
Why new mums stay silent (even when they’re struggling)
I was silent for almost a year!
I felt ashamed of my feelings and did all I could to hide them.
I thought:
“If I tell someone how I actually feel, they’ll label me.”
“They’ll think I’m a horrible mum.”
“They’ll judge me.”
“They’ll take the babies away from me.”
I remember one friend telling me:
“You know some new mums want to kill their babies, so if you ever feel like it, call me right away!”
But there was no way on earth I would say anything.
Even though that was how I felt.
The shame was too strong.
When midwives asked me during check-ups, “Do you have thoughts about hurting your kids?”
I said no, like a reflex.
Saying the truth simply wasn’t an option.
See also my post Why mums are worried to talk about mental health.
What to do when you experience signs of postpartum depression
The most important thing you can do is not overthink it.
I always say that if you feel something is off, it needs attention.
Don’t waste your time asking yourself:
“Is this depression?”
“Is it bad enough?”
“Should I seek help? What if they think I’m being dramatic?”
If something feels wrong, that’s enough!
I didn’t speak up right away, and it was one of the biggest mistakes of my life.
Because silence didn’t make the feelings go away.
In fact, the longer I stayed quiet, the stronger and louder they became.
Until I hit rock bottom.
And I don’t want that for you.
Because trust me, struggling in silence is one of the most excruciating feelings in the world.
Speak up before your feelings get worse
I know it’s hard to talk about scary feelings, but it’s even harder to live with them.
Please, tell someone you trust.
You’re not failing; you’re simply going through one of the biggest transformations of your life.
And the transformation is often messy and painful.
I talk about it more in these posts:
- Having a Baby Is Not a Joyful Experience
- Postpartum Mental Health: What’s Normal, What’s Not, and When to Ask for Help
- Is It Normal To Regret Having a Baby?
Remember that PPD is an illness, just like cancer or diabetes.
It’s not something you choose to have.
So chin up lovely, and speak up.
Not later, not tomorrow…. today!
I believe in you.
