This might be one of the most important posts I will ever write.

Because postpartum depression (PPD) is still so misunderstood.

And that misunderstanding is exactly why so many new mums struggle in silence.

When a new mum (or dad) is going through it, people often don’t know how to help… and the person struggling doesn’t often know what they need either.

That’s what makes it so hard.

A mum with PPD often doesn’t even know she has it.

She just feels like she is failing.

She feel guilty for not feeling happy and in love like she was promised.

As a loved one, watching someone you care about go through this can feel heartbreaking and confusing,

You try your best to help, but nothing seems to make a real difference.

You’re wondering:

“Am I doing this wrong?”
“Should I be doing more?”
“Am I making it worse?”

This is not your fault.

No one simply told you how to help someone with postpartum depression.

When I pulled through PPD, I founded MumsJourney – a blog dedicated to supporting mums through every stage of their motherhood journey. I’m also a mentor, and author of Motherhood: The Unspoken, creating a world where all mums feel seen and supported.

What is postpartum depression?

Before we start, let’s talk about what PPD actually is.

The word “depression” is often used loosely and many people use it to describe simple sadness or low mood.

That’s why many have a bad idea about what postpartum depression is.

I’ll say it loud and clear: PPD does NOT mean being depressed about having a baby.

It is an illness that can affect anyone – mums or dads – no matter how much they love or wanted their baby.

It says nothing about a mum as a person or as a parent.

Postnatal depression is a medical condition, not a mindset. It is not something you can “snap out of” or change with willpower.

And like many health conditions, it requires support and treatment to get better.

What postpartum depression can really look like

When you hear postpartum depression, most people picture a very sad, low-looking mum with tears streaming down her face.

And yes, it can look like that. But that is only one of many faces of PPD.

A lot of people miss the signs because they are only looking for sadness.

Here are some of the many little known symptoms:

• anxiety about the baby (checking on them constantly)
• guilt or shame about not feeling the way they think they “should”
• deep sadness and grieving their old life
• constant self-doubt or feeling like they are failing
• regret or confusion
• emotional numbness or apathy
• extreme mood changes – one moment okay, the next feeling completely hopeless

In many cases, postnatal depression is invisible.

Especially because so many new mums hide how they feel, or don’t recognise what they are going through.

That’s why it can be so hard to spot the signs.

You have to look beyond what is obvious and pay attention to the smaller signs that others – and even she herself – might miss.

Personally, I had no idea I had PPD, even though I had heard of it before having my babies. I just felt like I was failing all the time.

Sadly, antenatal classes indirectly contribute to PPD, because they focus heavily on birth, but don’t talk enough about what happens after.

That’s one of the biggest reasons so many cases of postnatal depression go unnoticed.

People simply don’t understand it.

And it is hard to support something that you don’t understand.

That’s why learning the signs matters a LOT.

I go deeper into these lesser known symptoms in my post 5 Surprising signs of postnatal depression no one talks about

What NOT to say to a mum with PPD

Knowing what to say  – and what not to say – is very important.

A mum with PPD is extremely vulnerable, so the wrong words can hurt more than you realise – or even push her over the edge.

Here are things to avoid:

❌ “You should feel happy.”

❌ “You have a beautiful healthy baby, why are you depressed?”

❌ “Snap out of it.”

❌ “When I had a baby, I had no time to be depressed.”

❌ “PPD is a new age thing.”

❌ “You’ll be fine, you’re strong.”

❌ “Look at that little face, how can you be depressed?”

❌ “This is nothing – you just wait, it gets worse…”

Please remember: she’s not choosing to feel this way.

It’s not something she can switch off or control.

So trying to “talk her out of it” is like telling someone with a broken leg to just walk it off.

Comments that downplay her feelings or compare her experience to others can feel really painful too. Much more than many people realise.

When she’s already feeling lost and confused, words like this can push her even further down.

What to say instead

Here’s what’s much more helpful to say:

✔️ “You’re not failing, you’re adjusting to a new life.”

✔️ “Your life changed overnight, of course it’s hard.”

✔️ “What can I do to help?”

✔️ “I’m here.”

✔️ “You are not alone.”

✔️ “What can I take off your plate today?”

✔️ “You matter too.”

Your job is not to say the perfect thing or to make her pain go away right this moment.

Your job is to make her feel seen and supported.

See also:

• 5 Signs of Postpartum Depression No One Talks About
• Postnatal Anxiety Explained: Why You Feel Constantly On Edge After Birth
• Why My Postnatal Depression Was Never Diagnosed

Real ways to support someone with postnatal depression

Now, let’s take a look at some practical ways to help a mum with PPD.

These are the real, powerful things that make the biggest difference – based on lived experience, not just theory.

1. Make her feel seen and understood

A mum with PPD often feels incredibly lonely and guilty.

Tell her that what she is feeling is normal and more common than she thinks.

Reassure her it doesn’t say anything about her as a mum, or as a person.

Show her it’s understandable she’s feeling low.

Her body and mind are going through a massive shock and transformation, so of course her feelings are all over the place.

When she feels that her feelings are valid, it will take an enormous amount of guilt ad pressure of her shoulders.

2. Under no circumstances don’t try to cheer her up

I know you mean well, but trying to cheer her up is just as effective as trying to wake a dead horse.

When depressed, she doesn’t have the ability to feel joy or happiness.

When you try to cheer her up with a joke, funny movie, a picture or video, it can actually make her feel even worse because she’d feel frustrated for not being able to enjoy simple things.

3. Listen to her without offering advice of solutions

This can be hard, but she really doesn’t need any advice or fixing right now.

What she needs is someone to see her and make her feel less alone.

Tell her you are happy to listen to her and then listen without interrupting. Give her a hug and tell her you’ll always be there for her, no matter what.

This will help her more than 100 pieces of the best advice in the world.

4. Help her see she’s a great mum

A mum with PPD often feels like she’s failing or doing a horrible job.

Show her as often as possible that she’s doing an amazing job. Show her evidence so she sees you actually mean it.

For instance, you can say, you are amazing because you feel low and you still show up. Or anything else that is the case for her.

She needs plenty of love and reassurance right now.

5. Help without waiting to be asked

Every new mum needs help, but they rarely ask for it.

Everyone tells them, let me know if you need anything, but she just won’t reach out no matter how much she needs help.

(New) mums believe that as good mums, they should handle everything themselves.

So if you really want to help, help without her asking.

Ask her how she’s really doing, bring her hot meals (or organise a meal train for her), clean her house… you name it.

I promise she won’t complain and will burst with gratitude.

6. Offer emotional help and check in Regularly

As much as practical help, she needs emotional help too.

Most people now ask her about the baby, so go ask her regularly how she is doing.

Send her a text from time to time just to say you’re thinking of her and ask how she’s really feeling today.

Check on her regularly because even if she seems okay, she may be falling apart behind closed doors.

7. Help her get out and socialise

Getting out in fresh air every day is magical.

Depression can make you feel exhausted and going out is the last thing you want to do, which is where your support comes in.

Encourage her to get out, even if only for 10 minutes.

Also help her find local groups for mums and go to the first session with her.

Meeting other mums who go through the same stage as her helps so much with mental wellbeing.

It makes you feel less alone immediately and makes everything feel lighter.

8. Encourage professional help gently

What partners need to know

PPD doesn’t only impact the person who has it but also their partners.

Watching the person you love struggle with postnatal depression can be terrifying, confusing, lonely, and helpless.

You may feel like:

• nothing you do helps
• she no longer wants you around
• you are losing her
• you are failing
• you have to hold it all together
• you have to be strong all the time

But here are a few things you need to understand:

1. Her distance is not about you

One of the hardest parts of PPD for partners is that she may suddenly seem distant, cold, or disconnected.

She may not want your affection anymore, or seem angry all the time.

This can feel deeply personal (how could it not?)

But trust me, it is not about you.

Depression changes how a person feels, thinks, reacts, and connects with others.

It;s like something takes over you and you are no longer in control over your thoughts and feelings. (sometimes even actions.)

She is adjusting to one of the biggest life changes of her life (if not the biggest one).

That does not mean your feelings do not matter, of course.

They absolutely do!

But it can help to remember that the illness is taking over how she feels and acts.

So when things feel hard, it’s not your fault – it’s the illness making things difficult.

2. Postnatal depression can affect relationships

PPD puts a massive pressure on relationships.

Suddenly you go from “us” to surviving parenthood.

It can shake even with the strongest of relationships.

You may argue more, or feel miles apart emotionally.

Don’t worry, it doesn’t mean your relationship is at risk – you are both simply going through something new and big.

Try to remember: it is you two against the illness, not against each other.

3. She does not need you to fix everything

Many partners (especially men) go into problem solving mode.

You try to cheer her up, offer solutions, or remind her of all the good things in life.

I know you mean well, but PPD is not fixed by logic.

The most powerful thing you can do is simply sit beside her and say:

✔️ “I’m here. You’re not alone.”
✔️ “We’ll get through this together.”
✔️ “You don’t have to pretend with me.”

3. Patience matters more than you realise

Pulling thought PPD doesn’t happen overnight.

There will be good days followed by horrible days.

Days where she seems like herself again… and then suddenly crashes emotionally.

This can be very frustrating and exhausting for you.

But healing is not linear so please, be patient with her – and with yourself.

You’re both learning and healing as you go.

4. Partners need support too

This part is incredibly important yet rarely spoken about.

When you support someone with postnatal depression, it can take a huge emotional toll on you too.

Many dads and partners feel isolated because all the attention goes to mum and baby.

Some partners develop depression or anxiety themselves, some feel guilty for struggling because “she has it worse.”

But your mental health matters too!

Your life is changing too so you’re allowed to feel overwhelmed, lonely, frustrated, and talk about how hard this is for you too.

Please do not ever feel you have to hold it all together and carry everything on your own.

Talk to someone you trust, and remember – you do not have to be “strong” to be a good partner.

You can be “weak” together, and it can bring you even closer together and help you feel better more than anything.

• Relationship After Kids: Expert Tips to Feel Close Again
• Why I Put My Relationship BEFORE My Children (And Why That’s Actually Good for Them)

When to seek urgent help

If your partner (or you):

• has thoughts or self-harm
• thoughts of harming the baby
• is severely withdrawn or not engaging at all
• is unable to carry out basic daily tasks (like eating, washing, or getting out of bed)
• is experiencing psychosis symptoms (hallucinations, seeing or hearing things that aren’t there, or very confused thinking)

contact these numbers immediately:

UK (United Kingdom)

• Emergency: 999 (if there is immediate danger)
• NHS urgent advice: 111
• Samaritans (24/7): 116 123 (free, anytime)
• You can also contact your GP or midwife/health visitor urgently

US (United States)

• Emergency: 911 (if immediate danger)
• Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: 988 (call or text, 24/7)
• You can also go to the nearest ER (Emergency Room)

This is not something to wait on or “see how it goes”.

Support is essential and can save lives.

Conclusion

If you want to help someone with postnatal depression, don’t try to say the “perfect” thing or bombard them with advice.

Just show them that you’re there for them.

And then prove it to her every day.

If you or someone you know is struggling with motherhood and wants support from someone who truly understands postnatal depression first-hand, check out my private mentoring sessions for mums.

You do not have to go through this alone.