Ivana Poku I’ll never forget the moment when I was looking at my few days old babies as a new mum with tears rolling down my face.
Tears of sadness.
I felt incredibly lonely and regretted the decision to have children.
We were staying with our twin boys at the NIC unit at the time as the boys were born at 34 weeks.
We stayed there for almost two weeks which wasn’t a long period of time, but to me, it was the longest and hardest two weeks of my life.
I was looking at them being asleep and all sorts of scary thoughts took over my mind.
Why did we want them?
Why did they have to be born?
Thoughts like this made me scared to death but there was nothing to stop them.
Why hadn’t anyone told me about any of this?
What have I done?
I almost wasn’t able to think of anything else.
For a few weeks after giving birth, I was just an empty box with no feelings.
I was constantly sad.
The tears were almost constantly streaming down my face and I couldn’t stop them.
I vividly remember the time when I was hanging baby clothes on the dryer and burst into tears. Everything that reminded me of their existence made me sad and tearful.
I was crying even when going to the shop as it’s when I realised I’d no longer be able to pop out like this anytime I wanted to.
I didn’t feel like a mother.
I didn’t feel like someone who was going to be responsible for another human being and give them security and support. After many years I’d reconnected with my inner child, who had been talking to me intensively day and night.
But who will now support me?
Who will comfort me when I’m feeling down?
Who will chase away monsters from underneath my bed?
That voice didn’t go silent for a moment.
The more I tried to suppress it, the louder it called – Hello, I’m here! Why doesn’t anyone listen to me?
Is it normal to cry a lot after having a baby?
Being a new mum is hard and no one prepares you for the mental load and conflicting feelings you have after the baby arrives.
Your life literally changes by 180 degrees from one day to the next so it is only normal that you cry.
Every change requires some time to adjust to it and when becoming a new mum, the time of adjusting is even longer as it’s probably the biggest life change one can experience.
So yes, it is ok and normal when new mums cry.
You need to realise that you’ve just given birth to a new human so it’s only logical that your mind and body need some time to recover.
Any sorts of feelings you experience when becoming a mum are totally normal and common.
You may ask now: Does a baby feel sad when a mother is sad?
Research suggests that your baby feels what you feel.
However, this doesn’t mean that you cannot afford to feel sad for some time.
Being emotional is a part of life.
No one is happy 24 hours a day and that’s ok.
As long as your sadness doesn’t last for months, doesn’t negatively impact your daily life, or doesn’t grow into something more serious (I elaborate on this below), you probably have nothing to worry about.
How long after birth do you feel emotional?
Every woman is different and so are our emotions.
Some mums stop feeling sad after a few weeks of giving birth.
For some mums, it lasts longer which can be a sign of postnatal depression, especially if it interferes with daily life activities.
If I could turn back time, I would have started talking about how I felt as soon as possible.
I made a huge mistake in suppressing and hiding my emotions.
Apart from my husband Yaw, for a long time, no one else knew about my feelings of sadness, guilt, regret, and loneliness.
By suffering in silence, I put more pressure on myself.
When I started to open up, a huge weight lifted off my shoulders and it was much bigger than I’d thought.
Many new mothers who go through baby blues or postnatal depression feel they are one of a few.
However, the truth is they belong to the majority.
Things they fear to talk about in front of other mums are usually the very things other mothers experience or have experienced themselves.
‘New mum sadness is common and natural.’
Actually, the harder and more delicate the subject is for them, the more likely it is that other mums have experienced it too.
Personally, found it hard to cope with the fact my life would be gone forever.
I’d always lived an active life. I’d had a lot of friends, I’d had a lot of hobbies, I’d used to go out, socialise, and travel.
I couldn’t accept the fact it would be over.
Suddenly, I had two little screaming strangers n front of me who were totally dependent on me.
At that time, I hadn’t yet developed any emotional relationship with them.
To be honest, I hadn’t thought it would be a process.
I’d thought that as soon as I would see them, all my values would be immediately shifted and I wouldn’t feel anything else but love and happiness.
It’s true that this feeling came, but it certainly didn’t happen overnight.
Talking is the key
If you are feeling sad after becoming a new mum, talk about it.
Do not put it off, do it right now, today.
Tomorrow can be too late.
They say everything takes time and this case is no exception.
As a new mother, you cannot be hard on yourself and give yourself time to adapt to the new situation.
You now experience a huge variety of emotions, but as time goes by, you’ll be getting to know your baby.
You will be learning to recognise individual sounds the baby will make, learning how to feed them, putting them to sleep, soothe them and your love will grow stronger each day.
You won’t lose your life, you just fill it.
It will be very difficult for some time, but only temporarily while your babies are little.
Each month they will make some new progress that will slowly lead to their independence.
When they start to laugh, hug you, talk to you, show you their love – you will never understand how you could ever exist without them.
That is when you’ll know that you’re a Mother.
You’re a mum from the first moment but you also need to give yourself time to learn to be a mother. Just remember, if you feel any kind of discomfort at the moment, talk about it.
I say it all the time and I always will – Talking is the key.
There is nothing you need to keep to yourself.
Whatever you experience, you can be sure many other mothers experience or have experienced it too.
Don’t be afraid to admit that you’re having a bad day, that you don’t feel well, that you cry, that you’re overwhelmed, that sometimes (or often) you feel hopeless.
There is nothing wrong with that, nor is it special.
You don’t have to worry about people judging you.
Do you really think that there is one perfect mum in the world that can allow herself to judge you and look at you from above?
Mums like this exist only in our imagination.
Real mums feel the same as we do and I know because I felt it and know deep in my heart you are a real mum too.
Talk and make other mums open up as well.
Talk and free yourself.
Talk and let yourself enjoy motherhood the way you deserve.
Don’t overthink it, just do it.
What you should do when feeling sad after having a baby
There you go!
I hope you find my advice useful.
Try to apply it today and let me know how it goes!
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