Ivana Poku When does it get easier?
It’s probably one of the most asked questions amongst mums.
And the most common answer?
Never.
And whenever I hear someone say that, it makes me want to SCREAM.
Or when I see the Instagram reel that show a newborn stage with a caption, “I thought the baby stage was hard… but that was nothing compared to… ” Insert toddler stage. Or school age. Or teenagers. Take your pick.
Just typing that I feel my blood is starting to boil lol.
Because firstly, it’s not true. (More on that later).
And secondly, how on earth does that help the mum who is already drowning and looking for a bit of hope?
I’ve noticed more and more mums tossing the “never” answer around – either as a joke, or a quiet cry for help.
But here’s the problem.
The mums who are really struggling hear it.
And it doesn’t land as humour.
It lands as hopelessness.
It can make the weight they’re carrying feel even much heavier.
Or worse… push them closer to the edge.
So I decided to write this post to set the record straight.
And to give you a real, honest answer to the question we’re all secretly asking:
When does motherhood get easier?
First things first…
Let’s start here.
There is no “one size fits all” answer.
For some mums, motherhood may really never gets easier.
But it doesn’t mean that’s the case for every mum… including you.
After 10 years of being a mum – and mentoring many many mums – I’ve come to one clear conclusion:
Motherhood gets easier when you make it easier.
Bear with me, it gets better.
Why the newborn stage is hardest
If we’re speaking objectively, the newborn stage is often the hardest.
Not necessarily because of the practical care, but because of the shock to the system.
- Your life and identity changes overnight
- You’re sleep deprived
- Your hormones are all over the place
- You have no time for you
- You give give give, without getting anything back (yet)
It’s a lot!
Sidenote: you’re currently in the thick of postpartum life, I highly suggest you sign up for my FREE email course Postpartum Survival Toolkit. You’ll get daily, doable tools delivered straight to your inbox that will make your life so much easier – and actually enjoyable again!
Postpartum is also the stage where the risk of depression or psychosis is highest.
No later stage carries quite the same biological and psychological intensity.
But here’s what happens.
Time passes, and our brains soften the memory.
We forget how bone deep the exhaustion felt.
Our minds naturally filter out the worst bits.
So when we hit a new challenge – tantrums, school struggles, teenage attitude – it feels like this must be the hardest stage.
Because it’s the one we’re currently in.
And it’s one of the reasons so many mums say motherhood never gets easier.
But that statement usually reflects their current feeling, not a fact.
Related posts:
- Why newborn stage is the hardest (and how to survive it)
- Having a baby is not a joyful experience
- Why Talking About Mum Stress Might Be the Best Thing You Ever Do
One mum’s experience is not universal truth
You also need to bear in mind that every mum’s experience (and personality) is different.
What breaks one mum, another may finds easy peasy.
What pushes one mum over the edge, another might barely notices.
When the twins were tiny, I was really struggling, but I would never tell another mum, “The toddler stage is hard.”
Because that was my experience – shaped by having twins, both boys, no nearby family support, and poor mental health at the time.
It was hard for me, it wasn’t a universal truth.
And this is where so many mums get discouraged.
They hear someone else’s personal story and see it as a fact.
But it’s never a fact, it’s always “just” one experience, one opinion.
Motherhood gets easier when you decide it does
I always say that motherhood gets easier as soon as you decide to make it easier.
I mean, when you look at your current situation, I’m sure you can see where you could do things differently… and better.
It might be:
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Getting more help with day-to-day tasks
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Hiring a cleaner
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Increasing childcare
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Seeing a therapist
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Stopping the chase for perfection
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Reaching out to a parenting expert
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etc.
I also know, all too well, that guilt and shame can get in the way of doing many of these things.
You feel like you should do it all yourself, otherwise, you’d be a bad mum.
You don’t allow yourself more breaks or more childcare (even if you crave it) because you feel guilty.
You don’t reach out to an expert because it feels expensive.
But often, these are just stories you tell yourself… stories you’ve learned to believe.
Change starts with your mindset
If you really want to make mum life easier, first and foremost, you need to realise that nothing on the outside needs to change.
It’s your mindset that needs to change.
For decades, I saw myself as a victim – and, like many, I wasn’t even aware of it.
I was convinced I had it harder than most mums, that I was powerless, and that there was nothing I could do to change it.
I thought it was my kids who needed to change.
It was only when I realised that it was actually the other way around that things started to shift for the better.
When I stopped operating from a victim mindset and took full responsibility for my life and my motherhood experience.
When I stopped blaming outside circumstances and finally sat in the driver’s seat.
Because, believe it or not, the way you experience motherhood depends on you.
Not your children. Not your partner. Not your family, friends, or mum groups.
Only you.
How to make motherhood easier
If you want motherhood to feel easier, here’s what you’ll do:
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Drop the complaining. Stop complaining about what’s hard, unfair, or wrong – once and for all.
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Identify your challenges. Ask yourself what you find most difficult and what you’d like to change. If there’s more than one thing, list them in order of priority, from most pressing to least.
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Visualise the ideal outcome. Next to each item, write down what your ideal situation would look like.
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Take one small step today. For each item, ask yourself: What can I do today to make this happen?
Please not it should be a small step. Nothing big or dramatic. Every big change happens in small steps.
For example: if you struggle with noisy children, the first step could be researching strategies online (ChatGPT is great for tips and ideas). If general tips don’t help, the next step could be reaching out to a parenting expert or joining a local mum group. And so on, until you find the solution.
This process pulls you out of the victim mindset and gives you your power back.
Also, don’t forget about self care!
I don’t mean big complicated self care routines, but “small” things you can do right now – because those are the ones who make the biggest difference.
To give you an example – try to look out of window for 2 minutes without distractions.
Sounds simple? Give it a try – and see what happens!
If you want more self-care ideas, grab my FREE guide with self care tips that I designed especially for busy mums. They are simple, practical, and super easy to fit into your busy day.
The power of routine and being organised (because no one talks about this)
When I asked for advice as a new mum, only a few people told me: be organised.
You’ve heard this advice too, but I don’t think you realise how much it can actually change your life.
We only established a proper routine with our third child, and no joking – he was sleeping through the night from three months old!
And that’s not all.
Having a routine also helps:
- improve your children’s behaviour
- reduce anxiety – for you and your children
- create a sense of security
- make transformations smoother (including bedtimes)
- give you back mental energy that would otherwise be spent making a thousand tiny decisions each day
The Organisation Struggle Is Real
As for being organised, I am not a naturally organised person.
It takes a lot of effort and energy for me to stay organised.
And no matter how hard I try, I can’t sustain it for long.
But for the short periods I do, my life is sooooo much easier.
It can be tiny things like planning dinners for the week ahead, knowing who does which chores, or having all events and reminders in my phone calendar with alerts set.
It stops my brain from overthinking at night and worrying whether I’ve forgotten something.
Not to mention how freeing it is if I don’t have to hold everything in my mind!
And not only that, I’m also generally more relaxed, happier, and patient with my kids (and my husband lol).
So if you want an easier life, get even a simple routine in place and get organised!
My printable organiser can be a huge help for this – it’s designed specifically to free you from your mental load and give you that powerful ‘I’ve got this’ feeling every day!”
Final thoughts…
You’ll see that you don’t have to wait for motherhood to become easier on its own… you can take responsibility and make it easier right now.
Isn’t that amazing?
Personally, I find it incredibly frustrating when I feel powerless.
But the moment I step into the driver’s seat, that’s where true power and real change lie.
Final word
To sum it up, I will say it one more time: Motherhood gets easier as soon as you make it happen.
The power to shape your experience has always been yours – and it’s waiting for you to claim it.
For more tips on easier mum life, check out these post:
